Scared I will never have the courage

[butimbleeding]

I had a BPD-fueled emotional evening and this is one thing on my mind I can't tell anyone in my life about.

I know my life isn't going to get better as my fucked up, senseless, mentally ill, inconsistent brain can't get me to commit to recovery.

Death seems the only way out. I do want to die, I think about it all day, every day. But it's a scary thought, the pain of ending my life and traumatizing my family.

I'm scared I can't get myself to carry out the necessary steps. It's not an easy thing to do. I can't find the carotid artery for partial hanging, can't find an anchor point for full suspension, and can't exactly afford DMC's SN especially with the new added fee of his new unconventional payment.

The main point is I'm scared that I can't get myself to kill myself, even though it's what I want most. Anxiety and low energy is a bitch. But the idea of staying alive scares me just as much. I feel I'm in purgatory.

Thanks for reading my vent. Anyone else scared that they'll have to go on living for the foreseeable future?

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I have major depressive disorder and can barely get out of bed each day. Death is the only way out for me but I'm too scared to do it and don't want to traumatize anyone. But I can't imagine going on like this, my brain is broken and I've already tried everything to fix it. I'm so sorry for your illness. It isn't purgatory. It is literal hell.

 

[butimbleeding]

I have major depressive disorder and can barely get out of bed each day. Death is the only way out for me but I'm too scared to do it and don't want to traumatize anyone. But I can't imagine going on like this, my brain is broken and I've already tried everything to fix it. I'm so sorry for your illness. It isn't purgatory. It is literal hell.

Appreciate you sharing your feelings and fears with me… it is indeed a living hell: being forced to live with a broken brain without the means to die. I hope we find peace one day

 

[Lifeless Star]

I have BPD too and my life is a complete mess that I know isn't going to get any better. I know it's only going to get worse too since financial issues are catching up to me and there's nothing I can do about it. Regardless of that it's not like I'm enjoying life in the first place. Can barely find the motivation or focus to do the few things that I use to escape and find a bit of enjoyment. I haven't wanted to live for a very long time and I've tried to cbt more than a few times over the years but never succeeded. I always seem to mess something up. I feel so much anxiety about it that I always freeze up and just can't do stuff like order SN even if I had the money for it lol, or find the carotid tho I've tried to find it before and couldn't. The only times I can get to the point of an attempt is usually more impulsive and those aren't really planned or well thought through which is probs why I've always failed. I'm terrified of having to keep living. It really is like being in purgatory. Like this limbo between wanting to be gone so badly on top of it being the only real solution to my life, and seemingly not being able to succeed at that. It makes me feel so trapped.

 

[justwannadip]

I had a BPD-fueled emotional evening and this is one thing on my mind I can't tell anyone in my life about.

I know my life isn't going to get better as my fucked up, senseless, mentally ill, inconsistent brain can't get me to commit to recovery.

Death seems the only way out. I do want to die, I think about it all day, every day. But it's a scary thought, the pain of ending my life and traumatizing my family.

I'm scared I can't get myself to carry out the necessary steps. It's not an easy thing to do. I can't find the carotid artery for partial hanging, can't find an anchor point for full suspension, and can't exactly afford DMC's SN especially with the new added fee of his new unconventional payment.

The main point is I'm scared that I can't get myself to kill myself, even though it's what I want most. Anxiety and low energy is a bitch. But the idea of staying alive scares me just as much. I feel I'm in purgatory.

Thanks for reading my vent. Anyone else scared that they'll have to go on living for the foreseeable future?

You encapsulated my feelings perfectly. I've talked about this on some of my previous posts. I hope you find peace somehow

 

[lnlybnny]

I feel you, especially when you talk about lack of energy and anxiety. In my case I can buy SN whenever I want but have no energy even for that. As much as I want and need to get out there's still some things that wire me here that I need to cut off. I need to gather courage asap though

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm sorry for your suffering. I also want to die but I'm currently unable to do so unfortunately so I'm hoping that I die naturally soon enough. As for the future... fuck, I'm terrified of my future. Avoiding my future is one reason why I want to ctb in the first place. I suspect that I may have to go homeless in the future as I'm unable to deal with life's demands and obligations and I don't have the right familial support for me to be a neet. My family expects me to work soon but I know that I don't have the cognitive capabilities for me to hold a job nor do I have any motivation to since I don't want to work. I told my mum that life is too challenging for me but it was pointless to tell her that as all I got in return were bullshit religious answers like how I can't go against god's design or how life is a test or how god has made humans to go through hardship and struggles.

I am immensely scared of my future and I want to be dead now but unfortunately I don't have a way in which I can die meaning that I'm forced to suffer in existence. I hate at how all of this could have been easily prevented had society allowed us to get access to euthanasia but, no, of course they won't as those bustards want us to suffer

 

[Lifeless Star]

I'm sorry for your suffering. I also want to die but I'm currently unable to do so unfortunately so I'm hoping that I die naturally soon enough. As for the future... fuck, I'm terrified of my future. Avoiding my future is one reason why I want to ctb in the first place. I suspect that I may have to go homeless in the future as I'm unable to deal with life's demands and obligations and I don't have the right familial support for me to be a neet. My family expects me to work soon but I know that I don't have the cognitive capabilities for me to hold a job nor do I have any motivation to since I don't want to work. I told my mum that life is too challenging for me but it was pointless to tell her that as all I got in return were bullshit religious answers like how I can't go against god's design or how life is a test or how god has made humans to go through hardship and struggles.

I am immensely scared of my future and I want to be dead now but unfortunately I don't have a way in which I can die meaning that I'm forced to suffer in existence. I hate at how all of this could have been easily prevented had society allowed us to get access to euthanasia but, no, of course they won't as those bustards want us to suffer

I'm really sorry you're in that situation. My parents are the same as yours except they kicked me out a long time ago. Always either telling me I'm just lazy or that all my problems are because I'm not religious like they are, or they would just say I was lying about how I feel and threaten to send me back to the psych ward. Only reason I'm not homeless yet is because I managed to make some money for a little while before I just couldn't take it anymore and went back to barely getting out of bed. Got lucky with some friends willing to take me in but it's not going to last forever and I just get further and further into debt.

My future terrifies me too since I know it's going to be bankruptcy and losing everything and homelessness. And I can't do anything about it really. Lucky if I manage to get out of the house to even go get food and alcohol anymore. I wish euthanasia was just an option. It is a thing where I live but it's only for like terminally ill people and maybe some super serious mental illness now, which I don't really trust since I feel like if I ask for it I'll just get sent back to the hospital again instead of being taken seriously. Idk I feel as if they want us alive either to make us suffer, or just the idea that every life is precious and they need to force us to stay alive for some misguided moral reason.

 

[FuneralCry]

Personally I have so much dread for what lies ahead, I always wish to have the option to just painlessly die in peace and never suffer ever again but of course I don't so the suffering just continues for me, I see so much cruelty in how I cannot just have access to a guaranteed method as non-existence is all I hope for, it terrifies me how a human can exist for so long with no limit as to how much they can suffer. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm really sorry you're in that situation. My parents are the same as yours except they kicked me out a long time ago. Always either telling me I'm just lazy or that all my problems are because I'm not religious like they are, or they would just say I was lying about how I feel and threaten to send me back to the psych ward. Only reason I'm not homeless yet is because I managed to make some money for a little while before I just couldn't take it anymore and went back to barely getting out of bed. Got lucky with some friends willing to take me in but it's not going to last forever and I just get further and further into debt.

My future terrifies me too since I know it's going to be bankruptcy and losing everything and homelessness. And I can't do anything about it really. Lucky if I manage to get out of the house to even go get food and alcohol anymore. I wish euthanasia was just an option. It is a thing where I live but it's only for like terminally ill people and maybe some super serious mental illness now, which I don't really trust since I feel like if I ask for it I'll just get sent back to the hospital again instead of being taken seriously. Idk I feel as if they want us alive either to make us suffer, or just the idea that every life is precious and they need to force us to stay alive for some misguided moral reason.

I'm sorry for what you went through. My parents are also religious and I unfortunately have to pretend to be religious too as otherwise I'd get kicked out and beaten up. In my case, if I were to get kicked out, I'd be homeless and I'd have no place where I could stay as I don't have any friends and I never will due to how flawed my neurotype is.

Same here. I need to ctb before I could go homeless but unfortunately I can't ctb as I can't access a method. This means that I will have to be homeless soon and this scares the shit out of me. Even typing this out is giving me immense panic attacks. I'm not meant for this world and there's no way I can deal with the demands that life presents. Euthanasia would solve all my problems but, no, people would rather have me suffer. It doesn't matter as to whether people are forcing us to stay alive for some misguided moral reason or not as, at the end of the day, they are causing suffering to perpetuate by forcing us to stay alive hence I can't see then as anything more than pro suffering. Those people would even insist that I go through the experience of being homeless than die early. It's just- fuck, acknowledging all of this is hurting me immensely and I'm just so sick of it all

 

[Lifeless Star]

I'm sorry for what you went through. My parents are also religious and I unfortunately have to pretend to be religious too as otherwise I'd get kicked out and beaten up. In my case, if I were to get kicked out, I'd be homeless and I'd have no place where I could stay as I don't have any friends and I never will due to how flawed my neurotype is.

Same here. I need to ctb before I could go homeless but unfortunately I can't ctb as I can't access a method. This means that I will have to be homeless soon and this scares the shit out of me. Even typing this out is giving me immense panic attacks. I'm not meant for this world and there's no way I can deal with the demands that life presents. Euthanasia would solve all my problems but, no, people would rather have me suffer. It doesn't matter as to whether people are forcing us to stay alive for some misguided moral reason or not as, at the end of the day, they are causing suffering to perpetuate by forcing us to stay alive hence I can't see then as anything more than pro suffering. Those people would even insist that I go through the experience of being homeless than die early. It's just- fuck, acknowledging all of this is hurting me immensely and I'm just so sick of it all

I agree yeah it doesn't matter what reason they're forcing us to stay alive for its just pro suffering. And yeah I've been told so many times now that being homeless would be better than me being dead and I hate it so much. Like those people just don't understand it at all. I'm so sorry that this is causing you so much pain I very much get it I get panic attacks just thinking about it too tbh. I've never been able to deal with the demands of life either and I know deep down I'm not meant for this world. In a perfect world I believe that euthanasia would just be accessible to everyone. Not that I recommend it but I've always abused alcohol and other stuff just to take my mind off of existence as much as I can and I just hope I'll be able to cbt before things inevitably get worse. I really hope you can find some way to at least alleviate some of the suffering in the short term and that you can find peace eventually. No one should have to suffer through this shit.

 

[coffeebeany]

I have major depressive disorder and can barely get out of bed each day. Death is the only way out for me but I'm too scared to do it and don't want to traumatize anyone. But I can't imagine going on like this, my brain is broken and I've already tried everything to fix it. I'm so sorry for your illness. It isn't purgatory. It is literal hell.

I m so sorry I m in the same situation. Life is just hell. My depressive disorder has impacted my physical health so now I suffer from both mental and physical pain. There is no cure or solution. I ve tried everything. I even got a VNS implant 2 years ago. I guess some things are not fixable. Now that I m turning 33 I m trying to accept this after years of hope and treatment.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I m so sorry I m in the same situation. Life is just hell. My depressive disorder has impacted my physical health so now I suffer from both mental and physical pain. There is no cure or solution. I ve tried everything. I even got a VNS implant 2 years ago. I guess some things are not fixable. Now that I m turning 33 I m trying to accept this after years of hope and treatment.

I m so sorry I m in the same situation. Life is just hell. My depressive disorder has impacted my physical health so now I suffer from both mental and physical pain. There is no cure or solution. I ve tried everything. I even got a VNS implant 2 years ago. I guess some things are not fixable. Now that I m turning 33 I m trying to accept this after years of hope and treatment.

Wow a VNS implant. You don't hear that talked about too often. I'm so sorry it didn't work for you. I assume you also tried ECT, TMS and ketamine?


This is a torturous state of existence.

 

[coffeebeany]

Wow a VNS implant. You don't hear that talked about too often. I'm so sorry it didn't work for you. I assume you also tried ECT, TMS and ketamine?


This is a torturous state of existence.

Yes, pretty much everything. So it's fair to say I have tried and did what I was told. For me there is no cure so last option ctb. It's not how I wanted things to go but here we are. And that's okay.