Now that I think of it, I think my biggest fear is not being able to gather the courage to kill myself and feeling forced to continue suffering through the constant agony my mind puts me through. I notice that the only partial relief I get is when I feel like I have a choice to ctb, and that I can do it. But if I don't believe I have the courage, I no longer have that relief of knowing the suffering will end.
It's like as a kid I was absolutely terrified of rollercoasters even though I so badly wanted to enjoy them, because they looked so fun and other kids were having a great time. But when I got on them I panicked and the couple minutes on it felt like hell. But I knew at some point, the ride would end. For much of my life after 12, my life has felt like one long horrifying ride that I can't control. Occasionally the ride slows but only when its about to drop again. Its relentless chaos.
To think that I have years more of this, potentially decades is terrifying and I can't possibly see how I could get through it. I'm on my last reps on the bench press and I know I won't be able to go much longer, and I have no one to spot me. Theres nothing anyone can do. Jumping off the ride into nothingness is absolutely terrifying, but it feels far past humane to continue this ride I'm on.
I wish people could feel what its like to live in my mind everyday, I really do. I so badly wish to be understood in that way; not that it would change the vessel I'm stuck with, but at least, finally, I could feel understood. God, thats really all I want. At the core of it, people like us with chaotic minds relentlessly set on torturing us; the impossible dream of being understood or at least our pain being felt only for a moment—so they know what we feel all the time, i think that would be nice, to be truly heard. But that is the silver lining. Severe mental illness isn't something to be understood by the vast majority, its meant to be understood by those who have it. Otherwise its just a marketing ploy like #bellletstalk, or a tiktok trend of mental health awareness, but mentally ill homeless still get gawked at or ignored on the subway, people still avoid those that are different, things dont change much. And how can it? This level of mental illness and anguish isn't something that can be understood if it hasn't been experienced. Now I'm not socially outcasted or have much difficulty in that regard but I see how many who do are treated.
I see us all in a burning building. And as much as its nice to relate to others that are suffering, we have this unspoken understanding that we're burning alive together and nothings coming to save us. Some brave tortured souls feel forced to jump. We don't feel sick, shocked, or disturbed by it. That unspoken understanding of the torture that was going on in that persons mind, likely for years. We wish them to find peace, but deep down we know they found nothing. Well, I'm not quite religious or spiritual, so thats how I kinda see it. I see peace as an experience and I view death as a lack of it. But finding peace makes it sound better, its what I've always wanted after all. Choosing nothingness over everything we've ever known, life itself—going against our innate hardened instinct to survive, it doesn't feel right at all. And yet, it doesn't feel like much of a choice. The flames aren't dying down, the burns keep growing, the pains still constant, every possible exit has either been tried and is blocked or was just a mirage. The only escape is down. But I don't know what thats like. And I'm terrified of the fall. I'm in an abusive relationship with this life. My future is as black as the billowing smoke blowing out the window I'm hanging out of. Every time I've tried my absolute hardest to Brave the flames, I've been burned worse than before, and each time the fire spreads further and hotter. There's nothing left from where I came from. Just collapsed and smoldering debris blocking any way forward or out. I'm stuck at this window as the black smoke and flame burns the back of my body. I desperately lean out the window to try and get better air. I see everyone down on the streets living their lives.
I can't seem to make the jump. But I see a lot of you guys are in the same building with me, on different floors. All sticking our head out trying to get air, attempting to salvage some dream of how we could escape, knowing its futile. I see goodbye posts and I see myself. Well, what is likely my future self. I never say goodbye. Its not a joyous or comforting thing to see. They say suicide is a choice. It doesn't feel like much of a choice to me.
yeah... doesnt feel like much of a choice to me either.
if you either fit in, or fit out
n if you fit out, good luck w that
*sighs*
as for
How do you guys get the courage to ctb? Obviously everyone here hasn't done it (excluding failed serious attempts) so its hard to know if you have the courage until you do it. I have anxiety and ocd, so I basically doubt everything and panic about decisions which along with my survival instinct, are huge obstacles. But I've known for a while now that things won't get better for me and that my brain has always and will always relentlessly torture me and fuel self-sabotage. Honestly, I'm much more scared of not having the courage to ctb and continuing this mental torture than the idea of death and suicide itself. And yet, I can't seem to get myself to end it, or even feel confident that I could (really hard with ocd and doubt).
So I feel stuck in this sick, torturous game that my brain puts me through and I just need it to stop before I become even more of a degenerate, burden, and/or hurt someone (I've been struggling not only with intense self-blame and hatred, but now vengeful thoughts that literally feel like kerosene being dumped into the deepest regions of my brain—its exhausting and physically hurts).
So ya, I guess I'm not expecting much from this, as in the end I have to be the one to do it. Still I'm wondering, how do you guys think you'll be able to go through with it?
I'm aware that for almost everyone here, ctb'ing is the heaviest and scariest decision one can make. I mean its literally ending everything. Even for me who has nothing to live for and is in constant mental turmoil, its hard to comprehend such a choice. I'm a firm believer that almost all of us don't want to die, but just want the relentless pain to stop. Choosing non-existence and the complete lack of experience over experience at all is terrifying.
I don't mean to sound self-pitying, but its a horrible place to be in. I have no motive with my ctb other than to finally cease this unending game of torture my brain puts me through from the moment I wake up until I rest my head on the pillow. I don't care too much about how others will perceive me, and I'd be dead, so for once I wouldn't experience unending regret about it. It does hurt thinking about what my family will have to go through, particularly my parents and my sister. Even though I didn't get along with my parents for much of my young adult life, I know its awful to lose a child regardless. I hope they don't regret things so much, and that there will be some solace that while I'm not at peace (I view peace as a living experience) at least I'm not actively suffering anymore.
ah, well...
for me, its a weird mix
i've been recently imposed certain circunstances which, regretebly are pushing me to CTB in acouple months
i've always thought about suicide, have experience severe traumas, am a trans person, living in a 3rd world country...
n yet, if circunstances were better, i'do probly delay my departure for now
so basicly, im being pushed against a wall, out of which there are multiple exits but, like you've said earlier, it doesnt really *feel* like theres more than just one
thankfully tho, i've had several experiences w entheogens n hallucigens before, n one of the main themes usually is this weird typa feeling/understanding of "oness" with everything, but its not just a feeling, its more like a lost memory you've unlocked?... hard to explain
so anyways, these sort of experiences may come, to some people, as a major stress reliever towards the notion/fear/feeling of death, afterlife, rebirth etc
i mean, why the hell was i "born" in this particular body, mind, family, state, country, planet, age, universe etc?
people try to find reasons for their individualities, wondering about their past lives etc
i think, we're all the same thing
a single source of conciousness, split into infinity for all eternity, experiecing every single living thing on the universe, all at once, individualy n yet collectivly
so... when i "die", it will only be a fraction of me, as its only a fraction of me thats being born right now
the weird thing is, this isnt like a notion or a thought or something you can just read n say "ok, i agree w it n i get it"
i mean, you could but, there really isnt anything like experiecing it, its such an alien feeling
anyways... due to these, i've somewhat shed away a big chunck of my fear/anxiety towards death
n then ofc, there all the traumas
i've been through *alot* in life, things most ppl wouldnt wish upon their worst enemies n, i gotta say, i grew tired n numb over time
the thing i regret, is not having a close friend to share these last few days together, i wanned to share all the things i like, know of, etc... that makes me really sad
*sighs*
but yeah... its a mix of being imposed, being tired of it all n, understanding life is just another experience
