Venting Scared to live a life but I want to (I think)

[BlueLock]

I've been pretty much a shut in for like 2 years, I've had 2 jobs in those two years but I've worked no more than a collective 7 months. I get by living off my parents and have a few hundreds saved (not much but something) and I don't drive, I know I ought to learn considering I live in suburbia hell and theres nothing to do without a car but I just can't. Idk or maybe it's that I don't, I have the ability to drive I just don't have the motivation or care to keep up with it. Honestly I feel unable to function as an adult.

I've lived alone before and enjoyed it and functioned well so I know that's not the problem, the problem is I'm not mentally well enough to keep a job/stay in school. I'm very impulsive (it's gotten slightly better) and I've made a lot of attempts in the past. I also tend to be very avoidant when it comes to problems so I really suck when it comes to working and communication. Idk if it's my mindset because it seems to be tied to my emotions but I'm not sure. I feel bad a lot of the time even when good things are happening. I need to move out because while my parents (dad) lets me live here and buys groceries It genuinely sucks living in this house. My mom has untreated BPD and we've never gotten along. She drains the life from me, and my brother who's also struggling. There's a night and day difference in my mood when she's around or not. I love my brother a lot and that kinda keeps me going. He's on disability for autism and dealing with enmeshment and over involvement from our Mother (it's diabolical, and a control thing. It stunted my brother a lot with her doing shit for him and keeping him dependent on her) I want to help him the way he helps me because while these past 2 years have sucked he's been a consistently good influence on me. I suck at being consistent, especially when it comes to my mood (it's a trauma thing and some autism and adhd) I don't even know if i'm capable of being consitent.

Call it learned helplessness or genuinely being broken but it just hasn't worked for me and idk what to do. I'm scared people are gonna give up on me. I'm on my phone a lot and i've seen so many social media posts about how much people dislike people who do the same things i do (suck at relationships, leech off of family, have no aspirations, etc) and I know I shouldn't let it get to me, and if I do let it get to me I should use it as motivation. But I don't. It just makes me feel more ashamed. I feel very sensitive and vulnerable and I hate it. It's not that I'm scared of the world or even responsibility, I'm scared of people judging me negatively and rejecting me. I'd rather reject the world first and take myself out honestly. Idk I'm a bit self centered when it comes to my insecurities it's created problems in relationships which i've taken note of but truly have no idea how to fix. I'm just gonna avoid dating anyone for like ever, lol.

This has gone on longer than I thought it would, I'm a bit sleep deprived so idk if that's contributing to this sounding like a giant run on sentence. If this resonates with someone then yay lets vent together.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

It's hard as shit to function as an adult while also catching up on your growing up years. I think the insecurity stems in large part from not being able to mentally finish adolescence. I also have a DD and used to be dependent on my mom, who constantly reminded me that I could never do anything right.

I am now 35 and I've been living on my own for 11 years. I view my job and my adult responsibilities as a means to fund my kid lifestyle. Best of both worlds.

 

[BlueLock]

It's hard as shit to function as an adult while also catching up on your growing up years. I think the insecurity stems in large part from not being able to mentally finish adolescence. I also have a DD and used to be dependent on my mom, who constantly reminded me that I could never do anything right.

I am now 35 and I've been living on my own for 11 years. I view my job and my adult responsibilities as a means to fund my kid lifestyle. Best of both worlds.

Good for you, it's nice hearing other people make it out of arrested development.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

Good for you, it's nice hearing other people make it out of arrested development.

You can too. But it's a one step at a time thing. Having a job is everything. That's your key

 

[Ch4in3dcr0w]

It takes time learing how to live again i personally didnt think i would be alive at 18 or even younger and now im here and have to learn a lot of things and piece my life together so i can live somewhat comfortable life. Having a job and keeping would be a massive step forward just take your time to collect your thoughts and decide what job u gonna apply and it will be okay (even if it takes a year). Whats most important is that u feel like even if uncertain that u want to live :)

 

[secretghost]

I just saw this thread pop up and wanted to share some encouragement for your recovery journey and the difficulties.

Im sorry for the life circumstances you're dealing with, but reading that you're trying to live a life anyways made me so happy I teared up a little. Remember that you are a full human and you are a light and your family members, upon whom you may be reliant and you may get a lot of negative reactions, they can make your life feel so small but I promise you that so much more exists outside those four walls, even if you can barely leave the house. I've been in similar positions with difficult living situations/people during some points in my life which ended up becoming the best in my life because I was in such a dark place that I just gave myself permission to mentally kill my old self and just be a new person, and if the people near me didn't like that person, there was literally nothing to be done about it. It's never as bad as you think it will be and it's never as permanent as the other thing. I'm 26 and I feel like I've started over and found unexpected new lives within life and unexpected escape-hatches from bad situations come so many times to me that it genuinely changed my overall outlook on life. It will always surprise you. There is a lot of pain in this forum but even here there is so much brightness and care for one another and beauty and laughter :-) and the bad in life, when we are able to and choose to endure it, truly does have something for us as well, you can grow your self esteem by knowing that you are inherently doing something amazing

Function is something that takes time and trial and error, some people takes longer than others, and it's just harder to learn to be functional when your family/role models are not. I have seen deeply damaged people with clinical attested development become functional adults with enough time and grace for themselves and some amount of support network from friends and being honest and support groups if you can find one (they are often anonymous ). Function is also really subjective and looks really different in different people with different needs and priorities. I used to be typically high functioning before severe mental illness and chronic illness, and then I felt low functioning/non functional, and then slowly I had to redefine my own priorities and what is necessary for me to function. You work, you are self aware, you are reaching out online to others, and I really have so much faith in you and I'll be checking back to see how you're doing, like I said, your message really struck a chord for me. Best wishes you got this