Scared to SN, scared of the process

[affirmatice]

I have a rough date in mind, sometime soon after the new years.

The best option I saw is SN, I have that on hand. Meto and propranolol is on the way. Still need to get diazepam on the DNM.

I'm scared. The process itself doesn't sound too bad when really thought about.

I've read peoples failed experiences. Some say it was not bad before they suddenly blacked out. Some say it was quite distressing. I have no idea how I'll react, I'm young and my body is healthy, I don't know if that will make it harder.

The overall experience I think, can't be that bad. A bad tasting drink, potential headache/nausea (we've all felt this at some point).

I just think it's scary to know that in those 10-20 minutes, I'll know that my body is dying, my organs are shutting down, I've poisoned myself and this is a permanent decision.

I'm sad that my last meal will be a disgusting drink. I'm sad that my last moments will be me high on benzos, probably dissociating and feeling ill.

I know SN remains one of the easier ways to CTB. But still, it's sad and scary for me. I just wish I didn't have to feel this way and be this way. I just want to spend my life happy and with my girlfriend.

 

[deathproof17]

You sound conflicted. You don't have to do it if you don't want to. No need to do anything rash. Most people who are suicidal have gotten to the point where the pain of living is worse than the potential pain of suicide.

 

[WallowingWillow]

I have a rough date in mind, sometime soon after the new years.

The best option I saw is SN, I have that on hand. Meto and propranolol is on the way. Still need to get diazepam on the DNM.

I'm scared. The process itself doesn't sound too bad when really thought about.

I've read peoples failed experiences. Some say it was not bad before they suddenly blacked out. Some say it was quite distressing. I have no idea how I'll react, I'm young and my body is healthy, I don't know if that will make it harder.

The overall experience I think, can't be that bad. A bad tasting drink, potential headache/nausea (we've all felt this at some point).

I just think it's scary to know that in those 10-20 minutes, I'll know that my body is dying, my organs are shutting down, I've poisoned myself and this is a permanent decision.

I'm sad that my last meal will be a disgusting drink. I'm sad that my last moments will be me high on benzos, probably dissociating and feeling ill.

I know SN remains one of the easier ways to CTB. But still, it's sad and scary for me. I just wish I didn't have to feel this way and be this way. I just want to spend my life happy and with my girlfriend.

I know how you feel friend. I just want to spend my life happy with my boyfriend. But that's not possible so I will have to ctb soon. I am sad and scared also.

 

[affirmatice]

You sound conflicted. You don't have to do it if you don't want to. No need to do anything rash. Most people who are suicidal have gotten to the point where the pain of living is worse than the potential pain of suicide.

I am conflicted. Time and time again, I've thought about why I have to do this. Then I remember how hard the last 5 years were. I think about my future and know how difficult each day will be living in this body.

I think about how far I've fallen. How impossible it is to climb back. Even if I manage to feel a bit better, I'll never forget the person I could've been, if I was healthy, if I was normal, I'll never reach that mark no matter how hard I try, and I don't think I can live knowing that.

That's why I feel like I have to make this decision.

 

[ren4215]

I know how you feel friend. I just want to spend my life happy with my boyfriend. But that's not possible so I will have to ctb soon. I am sad and scared also.

i am in the same boat with my girlfriend, i feel for you. i hope you find peace

 

[justwannadip]

I have a rough date in mind, sometime soon after the new years.

The best option I saw is SN, I have that on hand. Meto and propranolol is on the way. Still need to get diazepam on the DNM.

I'm scared. The process itself doesn't sound too bad when really thought about.

I've read peoples failed experiences. Some say it was not bad before they suddenly blacked out. Some say it was quite distressing. I have no idea how I'll react, I'm young and my body is healthy, I don't know if that will make it harder.

The overall experience I think, can't be that bad. A bad tasting drink, potential headache/nausea (we've all felt this at some point).

I just think it's scary to know that in those 10-20 minutes, I'll know that my body is dying, my organs are shutting down, I've poisoned myself and this is a permanent decision.

I'm sad that my last meal will be a disgusting drink. I'm sad that my last moments will be me high on benzos, probably dissociating and feeling ill.

I know SN remains one of the easier ways to CTB. But still, it's sad and scary for me. I just wish I didn't have to feel this way and be this way. I just want to spend my life happy and with my girlfriend.

This is exactly how I feel about it to:
"I just think it's scary to know that in those 10-20 minutes, I'll know that my body is dying, my organs are shutting down, I've poisoned myself and this is a permanent decision.

I'm sad that my last meal will be a disgusting drink. I'm sad that my last moments will be me high on benzos, probably dissociating and feeling ill."

Idk how I'm gonna get through those 20 mins without panicking and calling for help. Even though I'm suicidal, I get a really disturbed feeling even if I cut myself on a tin can or something. Its not the pain, but its what I imagine happening to my body. I'll imagine that the can was infected and that I could be getting tetanus. Its almost like health anxiety idk. I have ocd too which plays a factor. Crazy how anxiety doesn't really lessen even when you're actively suicidal and in so much pain.

 

[Amarajoy]

I

I am conflicted. Time and time again, I've thought about why I have to do this. Then I remember how hard the last 5 years were. I think about my future and know how difficult each day will be living in this body.

I think about how far I've fallen. How impossible it is to climb back. Even if I manage to feel a bit better, I'll never forget the person I could've been, if I was healthy, if I was normal, I'll never reach that mark no matter how hard I try, and I don't think I can live knowing that.

That's why I feel like I have to make this decision.

I relate to this. To add, there will be no time to catch up for me. I will have missed out on everything. Having a family and career. I will never be able to retire. Will be lucky if I even land a job now much less one that pays the bills. I'm so angry to be trapped in this broken body contemplating ctb.

 

[PhDone]

I've read peoples failed experiences. Some say it was not bad before they suddenly blacked out. Some say it was quite distressing. I have no idea how I'll react, I'm young and my body is healthy, I don't know if that will make it harder.

I hear you. Def concerned too. But arent the failed experiences mostly being discovered or calling for help? I would imagine the 10-20mins being pretty intense but with the benzos prob not enough consciousness to reach out for help. Havent seen many other failures except not enough SN.

I cant imagine any ctb not being distressing. I am distressed being in a life situation where this is my best option though. I think for many there are other options with some healing or help, or maybe there are other considerations. Agree re the other response you dont need to be forcing something that is so conflicted. Is it the only option now? The one constant in life is change as they say, maybe things can shift, if you can find the ability to let things be for a whilst?

 

[affirmatice]

I hear you. Def concerned too. But arent the failed experiences mostly being discovered or calling for help? I would imagine the 10-20mins being pretty intense but with the benzos prob not enough consciousness to reach out for help. Havent seen many other failures except not enough SN.

I cant imagine any ctb not being distressing. I am distressed being in a life situation where this is my best option though. I think for many there are other options with some healing or help, or maybe there are other considerations. Agree re the other response you dont need to be forcing something that is so conflicted. Is it the only option now? The one constant in life is change as they say, maybe things can shift, if you can find the ability to let things be for a whilst?

Funny you say that,

I'm letting things be for a while, but also somewhat know for certain almost that I will CTB in the future sometime.

I guess to clarify, I have a physical condition which is ruining my life and I don't see any real fixes.

I can try to live normally, ignore my insecurity, anger, anxiety about it. And it barely gets me through the day. But the longer it goes the more it seems that I'll never really feel happy. Happiness now is like a momentary distraction, it's never been the same as it should be.

And the longer I live, the more painful it is to realize how much of my life I'm losing out on. I'm quite a perfectionist. Especially in regards to my own life. Meaning if I can't live my life at 100%, being the best person I can be, having fun, being confident. Then I'm gonna be depressed. And with this physical condition, it's constantly held me back from my potential. And I don't see a fix. Which is why I'm quite sure that someday, whether next year or in a few years, I'll likely CTB

 

[PhDone]

Funny you say that,

I'm letting things be for a while, but also somewhat know for certain almost that I will CTB in the future sometime.

I guess to clarify, I have a physical condition which is ruining my life and I don't see any real fixes.

I can try to live normally, ignore my insecurity, anger, anxiety about it. And it barely gets me through the day. But the longer it goes the more it seems that I'll never really feel happy. Happiness now is like a momentary distraction, it's never been the same as it should be.

And the longer I live, the more painful it is to realize how much of my life I'm losing out on. I'm quite a perfectionist. Especially in regards to my own life. Meaning if I can't live my life at 100%, being the best person I can be, having fun, being confident. Then I'm gonna be depressed. And with this physical condition, it's constantly held me back from my potential. And I don't see a fix. Which is why I'm quite sure that someday, whether next year or in a few years, I'll likely CTB

I hear you, totally, its really not that far from my own situation. People think I should be able to find contentment in my illness, but I'm not a passive, sit here, type of person. I know many people find some ability to sit in suffering but I definitely cant.

So sorry to hear about what you're going through. Hope you find some peace and relief, I truly do.

 

[Valhala]

Имам на уму груб датум, убрзо након нове године.

Најбоља опција коју сам видео је СН, имам то при руци. Мето и пропранолол су на путу. Још увек треба да добијем диазепам на ДНМ.

ја сам уплашен. Сам процес не звучи лоше када се заиста размисли.

Читао сам неуспешна искуства људи. Неки кажу да није било лоше пре него што су се изненада онесвестили. Неки кажу да је било прилично узнемирујуће. Немам појма како ћу реаговати, млад сам и тело ми је здраво, не знам да ли ће то отежати.

Свеукупно искуство мислим да не може бити тако лоше. Пиће лошег укуса, потенцијална главобоља/мучнина (сви смо то осетили у неком тренутку).

Само мислим да је страшно знати да ћу за тих 10-20 минута знати да ми тело умире, да ми се органи гасе, да сам се отровао и ово је трајна одлука.

Тужан сам што ће мој последњи оброк бити одвратно пиће. Тужан сам што ће моји последњи тренуци бити када сам на бензосу, вероватно се раздружим и осећам се лоше.

Знам да СН остаје један од лакших путева до ЦТБ-а. Али ипак, за мене је то тужно и страшно. Само бих волео да се не морам овако осећати и бити овакав. Само желим да проведем живот срећан и са својом девојком.

Тако си проклето у праву, мени све ово не звучи уопште конфликтно, већ сасвим реално. Последњи оброк, одвратно пиће, свест у последњих 10-20 минута живота да се тело гаси и да је затровано, анксиозност која иде уз то и СИ, све је то јако тужно и одвратно. Такође, све што желим да будем је она, моја вољена жена, и да живим са њом заједно, али чини ми се да ће то, ипак, бити тешко оствариво. Потпуно те разумем јер се и сама осећам исто и имам слична размишљања.

 

[tbh2023]

I have a rough date in mind, sometime soon after the new years.

The best option I saw is SN, I have that on hand. Meto and propranolol is on the way. Still need to get diazepam on the DNM.

I'm scared. The process itself doesn't sound too bad when really thought about.

I've read peoples failed experiences. Some say it was not bad before they suddenly blacked out. Some say it was quite distressing. I have no idea how I'll react, I'm young and my body is healthy, I don't know if that will make it harder.

The overall experience I think, can't be that bad. A bad tasting drink, potential headache/nausea (we've all felt this at some point).

I just think it's scary to know that in those 10-20 minutes, I'll know that my body is dying, my organs are shutting down, I've poisoned myself and this is a permanent decision.

I'm sad that my last meal will be a disgusting drink. I'm sad that my last moments will be me high on benzos, probably dissociating and feeling ill.

I know SN remains one of the easier ways to CTB. But still, it's sad and scary for me. I just wish I didn't have to feel this way and be this way. I just want to spend my life happy and with my girlfriend.

SN is definitely not the easiest way to CTB, but it's something we put no effort on doing. Just drink it. Easiest way to CTB is guns followed by hanging. If people are going to think about " what if" it will never happened. People hang themselves using scarf or pillow case and it works. It's all about you what results you're looking for depends on you. People who failed sn they didn't do it right either they changed their mind last minute or they were too anxious they didn't drink it OR THEY ARE FAKING the whole process. Sn is poison and kids died from small amounts none can survive it. You have to remember some people like to hurt themselves not to kill themselves. Mental illness can also play a big role.

 

[affirmatice]

SN is definitely not the easiest way to CTB, but it's something we put no effort on doing. Just drink it. Easiest way to CTB is guns followed by hanging. If people are going to think about " what if" it will never happened. People hang themselves using scarf or pillow case and it works. It's all about you what results you're looking for depends on you. People who failed sn they didn't do it right either they changed their mind last minute or they were too anxious they didn't drink it OR THEY ARE FAKING the whole process. Sn is poison and kids died from small amounts none can survive it. You have to remember some people like to hurt themselves not to kill themselves. Mental illness can also play a big role.

Hanging is not necessarily easier right. perhaps if done completely perfectly, it is quicker and less distressing. But then you have consider that most will not do it perfectly, and also the inevitably that you will end up permanently damaged if something goes wrong midway through. I think all things considered. SN is better for many due to those reasons. but depends how you define easier.

Guns is probably one of the easiest. The closest thing you can get to instantly dying with no pain if done right. Unfortunately, its harder to pull off physically and worries about what you might look like after

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I think about how far I've fallen. How impossible it is to climb back. Even if I manage to feel a bit better, I'll never forget the person I could've been, if I was healthy, if I was normal, I'll never reach that mark no matter how hard I try, and I don't think I can live knowing that.

This was so powerfully resonant that I nearly burst into tears. I am in a very similar situation, and while I know it would be possible to continue living in such a state, I am not willing to make that compromise; it is unacceptable to me, it is an encroachment on my dignity. I consider CTB to be my way of standing up for myself, head held high; my way of refusing to endure the abuse meted out by my own body.

 

[Defenestration]

J'ai une date approximative en tête, peu de temps après le nouvel an.

La meilleure option que j'ai vue est le SN, je l'ai sous la main. Le méto et le propranolol sont en route. Je dois encore prendre du diazépam sur le DNM.

J'ai peur. Le processus en lui-même ne semble pas si mal quand on y réfléchit bien.

J'ai lu des expériences ratées de la part de certaines personnes. Certaines disent que ce n'était pas si grave avant qu'elles ne s'évanouissent soudainement. D'autres disent que c'était assez pénible. Je n'ai aucune idée de comment je vais réagir, je suis jeune et mon corps est en bonne santé, je ne sais pas si cela rendra les choses plus difficiles.

L'expérience globale ne peut pas être si mauvaise, je pense. Une boisson au goût désagréable, des maux de tête/nausées potentiels (nous avons tous ressenti cela à un moment donné).

Je pense juste que c'est effrayant de savoir que dans ces 10 à 20 minutes, je saurai que mon corps est en train de mourir, que mes organes s'arrêtent de fonctionner, que je me suis empoisonné et que c'est une décision permanente.

Je suis triste que mon dernier repas soit une boisson dégoûtante. Je suis triste que mes derniers moments soient sous l'emprise des benzodiazépines, probablement en dissociation et en état de malaise.

Je sais que le SN reste l'un des moyens les plus faciles de se mettre à la rue. Mais malgré tout, c'est triste et effrayant pour moi. J'aimerais juste ne pas avoir à me sentir ainsi et à être ainsi. Je veux juste passer ma vie heureuse et avec ma petite amie.

Same fear of you...

 

[TragedyBornCrimson]

This was so powerfully resonant that I nearly burst into tears. I am in a very similar situation, and while I know it would be possible to continue living in such a state, I am not willing to make that compromise; it is unacceptable to me, it is an encroachment on my dignity. I consider CTB to be my way of standing up for myself, head held high; my way of refusing to endure the abuse meted out by my own body.

I am in complete agreeement with you. I cannot stay alive while being a loser, at this point it's a paradox within my mind. My family would rather I stay alive whilst being a failure but I intend to keep my dignity and pride. If My body cannot keep up with the bare minimum of what my soul wants, my mind leaves no option but to destroy my body. I have already been humbled too much and cannot take anymore.

 

[PhDone]

This was so powerfully resonant that I nearly burst into tears. I am in a very similar situation, and while I know it would be possible to continue living in such a state, I am not willing to make that compromise; it is unacceptable to me, it is an encroachment on my dignity. I consider CTB to be my way of standing up for myself, head held high; my way of refusing to endure the abuse meted out by my own body.

So so true and so resonant with me too. I am so compromised now and life is so gone from me that a climb back up is impossible and life like does utterly destroy dignity. Any pride I had in myself has gone. Thank you both for these posts. It really is where I'm at.

I am in complete agreeement with you. I cannot stay alive while being a loser, at this point it's a paradox within my mind. My family would rather I stay alive whilst being a failure but I intend to keep my dignity and pride. If My body cannot keep up with the bare minimum of what my soul wants, my mind leaves no option but to destroy my body. I have already been humbled too much and cannot take anymore.

My God do I hear this. Yep. I had passion and purpose. It is literally torture to be without, without my soul being ok sitting here in this. I said to one of my loved ones recently, my ego was burned in this and my heart has folded. All i have left is to have compassion for my soul, bereft in this tragedy and let it be free from its cage.

 

[thedevilwithin]

I am conflicted. Time and time again, I've thought about why I have to do this. Then I remember how hard the last 5 years were. I think about my future and know how difficult each day will be living in this body.

I think about how far I've fallen. How impossible it is to climb back. Even if I manage to feel a bit better, I'll never forget the person I could've been, if I was healthy, if I was normal, I'll never reach that mark no matter how hard I try, and I don't think I can live knowing that.

That's why I feel like I have to make this decision.

your words are so relatable yet so heartbreaking. i'm so sorry. i wish you peace.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel the same. It's so frightening when I start contemplating doing it in detail. I also feel a lot of resentment that we just have to do a kind of bodge job with random chemicals on our own. Just because we really want out. Whatever you decide on, I hope you can make peace with it.