KowakuNaiNeko
Member
- Aug 5, 2023
- 73
I was planning to die on December 26th but was unable to follow through. Now I've spent the last 3 days just lying in bed next to my gun wondering when I'm going to get the motivation to do it. After all of that introspection this is what I've come up with:
My old framework for understanding myself was that I can function at work but I can't function at home. I've been devoid of personal motivation for a long time. I will endlessly procrastinate anything that I have to do until my back is to a wall and then I can muster up a half-assed effort at the last minute. Knowing this I "retired" from work and crafted a situation where I thought I would be able to die as I ran out of money. That time is now. My checking account is at -$493 with a $500 credit limit. On January 1st my rent will fail to pay. Within the next couple weeks both of my credit cards will fail to autopay at which time I don't know if they will suspend my credit limit limiting my access to food. If my credit limits are suspended my phone, internet, and electricity will soon follow if I haven't left my apartment already by that point. Even with my manufactured threat the best that I could manage on the 26th was to insert the magazine into my gun. On the 27th I managed to chamber a round. Today I was able to point it at my head with my thumb on the safety and my finger on the trigger but I didn't follow through. I came to realize that unlike other times I've handled firearms I'm afraid of my gun. My hands get sweaty when I pick it up and to rack the slide I need to grab it with a sleeve or a cloth. I don't think that my old framework is wrong but I think it's missing the "why" and I think I came to realize that the "why" is fear.
In this new framework I consider myself to only be capable of action under the pain of fear. In this situation though there is fear on both sides of the balance so I can't act until one side significantly outweighs the other.
On one hand I'm afraid of being evicted. Of losing the opportunity I have now to die with a low chance of intervention and relatively painlessly in a warm place. Of not having reliable access to food and water.
On the other hand I suppose I'm afraid of not existing even though it's something I want. I'm afraid of shooting myself hurting even though I don't expect it to. I'm afraid of a neighbor hearing the gunshot and having the police do a wellness check and saving my life. I'm afraid of remaining conscious after the gunshot but having to wait to bleed out. Most of all I'm afraid of being institutionalized. I know that all of these are extremely non-likely events but my rationalizations don't even register. Only my fear does.
There is a third arm too. I could in theory receive outside help, move away, and get a job. On this arm my fears are that I will simply spiral out of control again. That I won't be able to address the root causes of my depression and just end up in this same situation again later. That I'd have to face myself and overturn the ideas that I've accepted that form myself - or that I never even reach that deep with an attempt.
I'm incredibly frustrated though because I want to die but I feel powerless to tip the scales in that direction. I don't think psyching myself up or catastrophizing the other sides will really help. I've considered trying to get drunk but I haven't really been able to and I'm not sure that would help either since I tend to get physically sick before my inhibitions drop much. The only thing that I'm really hoping for is that as new years approaches the fear of consequences side gets weighed down and I can make a half-assed attempt at following through but I'm merely an animal and I have no idea which way I'll end up going.
Feel free to poke any holes into my framework or offer thoughts or even joke around.
Also even though the original intent behind my name was "not a scary cat" there is another valid translation of "not a scared cat". In that sense the irony is delicious. Kowaii yo.
My old framework for understanding myself was that I can function at work but I can't function at home. I've been devoid of personal motivation for a long time. I will endlessly procrastinate anything that I have to do until my back is to a wall and then I can muster up a half-assed effort at the last minute. Knowing this I "retired" from work and crafted a situation where I thought I would be able to die as I ran out of money. That time is now. My checking account is at -$493 with a $500 credit limit. On January 1st my rent will fail to pay. Within the next couple weeks both of my credit cards will fail to autopay at which time I don't know if they will suspend my credit limit limiting my access to food. If my credit limits are suspended my phone, internet, and electricity will soon follow if I haven't left my apartment already by that point. Even with my manufactured threat the best that I could manage on the 26th was to insert the magazine into my gun. On the 27th I managed to chamber a round. Today I was able to point it at my head with my thumb on the safety and my finger on the trigger but I didn't follow through. I came to realize that unlike other times I've handled firearms I'm afraid of my gun. My hands get sweaty when I pick it up and to rack the slide I need to grab it with a sleeve or a cloth. I don't think that my old framework is wrong but I think it's missing the "why" and I think I came to realize that the "why" is fear.
In this new framework I consider myself to only be capable of action under the pain of fear. In this situation though there is fear on both sides of the balance so I can't act until one side significantly outweighs the other.
On one hand I'm afraid of being evicted. Of losing the opportunity I have now to die with a low chance of intervention and relatively painlessly in a warm place. Of not having reliable access to food and water.
On the other hand I suppose I'm afraid of not existing even though it's something I want. I'm afraid of shooting myself hurting even though I don't expect it to. I'm afraid of a neighbor hearing the gunshot and having the police do a wellness check and saving my life. I'm afraid of remaining conscious after the gunshot but having to wait to bleed out. Most of all I'm afraid of being institutionalized. I know that all of these are extremely non-likely events but my rationalizations don't even register. Only my fear does.
There is a third arm too. I could in theory receive outside help, move away, and get a job. On this arm my fears are that I will simply spiral out of control again. That I won't be able to address the root causes of my depression and just end up in this same situation again later. That I'd have to face myself and overturn the ideas that I've accepted that form myself - or that I never even reach that deep with an attempt.
I'm incredibly frustrated though because I want to die but I feel powerless to tip the scales in that direction. I don't think psyching myself up or catastrophizing the other sides will really help. I've considered trying to get drunk but I haven't really been able to and I'm not sure that would help either since I tend to get physically sick before my inhibitions drop much. The only thing that I'm really hoping for is that as new years approaches the fear of consequences side gets weighed down and I can make a half-assed attempt at following through but I'm merely an animal and I have no idea which way I'll end up going.
Feel free to poke any holes into my framework or offer thoughts or even joke around.
Also even though the original intent behind my name was "not a scary cat" there is another valid translation of "not a scared cat". In that sense the irony is delicious. Kowaii yo.
