Silverstars
Ande’thoras-ethil 'May your troubles be diminished
- Nov 11, 2024
- 9
I've been through a lot in one year. Three major surgeries in 5 months to stay alive, the last of which was an injury during the second, and I got to see my insides on the outside. And push them back in because my young child doesn't deserve to have that memory, and his dad left me alone with him. Facing my mortality was hard. I wanted to live but also wanted it all to just stop. to die during the surgeries or when I could sleep through the nightmares and pain I hoped I wouldn't wake up.
Between those surgeries, I had to euthanize my oldest and first cat. I worked at the vet clinic and had to do the whole process, from coding input and notes to inserting the IV and drawing up the FatalPluse. The only part I didn't do was push the FatalPulse into his vein. Shortly after, I had to mercy kill an injured chicken and guinea pig with my own hands. My only two friends died. One in a car crash. One by suicide.
I spent a lot of time alone. Too much time. Feeling unloved, unwanted, a burden, and a drain on my Husband and Child. No one asked how I was doing. If I needed anything. I have now, in the last 2 weeks, been told by my parents and husband they were all waiting for ME to call to them. To reach out first, send a message asking for help. To tell them what I needed. But they, specifically my parents, more than my husband, had never offered help in the past and failed to help when I asked for it, so why would I ask and expect to receive it now? The most 'help' they did was repeatedly reassure me if I didn't heal, if I died from the injuries, my child would be just fine without me. They will care for him and make sure he forgets me. They said forget. My husband said he would be sad for a month or so but then move on and find someone else.
The mental and emotional healing is taking longer than the physical. It has been 8 months now since the 3rd surgery, and the physical healing has greatly improved in the last 2 weeks. I was improving emotionally and mentally in August and September, but in October, my husband announced he didn't love me anymore. He said this was all too much for him. He said he felt alone and didn't feel any love from me this past year. He had been showing me more love and kindness than ever, and that contributed to my healing in August and September. He said something snapped. And he just stopped loving me. He said he does not dislike me and still cares about me. He says he won't abandon me and leave or keep my child from me. We have had talks, and they haven't gone anywhere. It started to make him more mad and dislike me.
I am blindsided by this and in emotional turmoil. I can't stop the suicidal ideations and plans. I even wrote out a will and filled it. I am again questioning if my existence is worth the burden it places on others financially, physically, emotionally, and morally. Of course, my own mind answers in the negative. There are still things I want to do in life. To see, achieve, and experience. But they are all things I wanted to do with my husband and child. I should think that my child needs me and use that as a mental rung on the climb, but I can't. Everyone has done a fantastic job letting me know I am not needed in any capacity for my child or anything else. I can be replaced. It may take some time, but I am replaceable in every aspect of my life.
I have always struggled with depression. My past tricks and flow charts are not working anymore. Cold plunging, nature walks, I can't use a bicycle yet, so I replaced that with Backpacking and Thru-hiking with my child (we love setting things on fire, safely), art, music, crying and screaming in my car, nothing is working. The only thing difference between the past depressions and now is I relied on my husband to be my support in the dark. To makes me giggle. Hug me. Take me somewhere and chat about the future. That's all gone.
The easy way out is as sweet as honey now compared to the future in store for me.
I need new tricks to reset and calm the looping chaos in my mind that I can't explain. I'm hoping you all on here can understand and offer suggestions. I also need suggestions for coping with this loss of love and having to see him every day in the same manner as before but without the love. And I just need a place to share. I am seeking out a counselor as well, but they are sparse in this area, and wait times are months to years away. Thank you for reading
Between those surgeries, I had to euthanize my oldest and first cat. I worked at the vet clinic and had to do the whole process, from coding input and notes to inserting the IV and drawing up the FatalPluse. The only part I didn't do was push the FatalPulse into his vein. Shortly after, I had to mercy kill an injured chicken and guinea pig with my own hands. My only two friends died. One in a car crash. One by suicide.
I spent a lot of time alone. Too much time. Feeling unloved, unwanted, a burden, and a drain on my Husband and Child. No one asked how I was doing. If I needed anything. I have now, in the last 2 weeks, been told by my parents and husband they were all waiting for ME to call to them. To reach out first, send a message asking for help. To tell them what I needed. But they, specifically my parents, more than my husband, had never offered help in the past and failed to help when I asked for it, so why would I ask and expect to receive it now? The most 'help' they did was repeatedly reassure me if I didn't heal, if I died from the injuries, my child would be just fine without me. They will care for him and make sure he forgets me. They said forget. My husband said he would be sad for a month or so but then move on and find someone else.
The mental and emotional healing is taking longer than the physical. It has been 8 months now since the 3rd surgery, and the physical healing has greatly improved in the last 2 weeks. I was improving emotionally and mentally in August and September, but in October, my husband announced he didn't love me anymore. He said this was all too much for him. He said he felt alone and didn't feel any love from me this past year. He had been showing me more love and kindness than ever, and that contributed to my healing in August and September. He said something snapped. And he just stopped loving me. He said he does not dislike me and still cares about me. He says he won't abandon me and leave or keep my child from me. We have had talks, and they haven't gone anywhere. It started to make him more mad and dislike me.
I am blindsided by this and in emotional turmoil. I can't stop the suicidal ideations and plans. I even wrote out a will and filled it. I am again questioning if my existence is worth the burden it places on others financially, physically, emotionally, and morally. Of course, my own mind answers in the negative. There are still things I want to do in life. To see, achieve, and experience. But they are all things I wanted to do with my husband and child. I should think that my child needs me and use that as a mental rung on the climb, but I can't. Everyone has done a fantastic job letting me know I am not needed in any capacity for my child or anything else. I can be replaced. It may take some time, but I am replaceable in every aspect of my life.
I have always struggled with depression. My past tricks and flow charts are not working anymore. Cold plunging, nature walks, I can't use a bicycle yet, so I replaced that with Backpacking and Thru-hiking with my child (we love setting things on fire, safely), art, music, crying and screaming in my car, nothing is working. The only thing difference between the past depressions and now is I relied on my husband to be my support in the dark. To makes me giggle. Hug me. Take me somewhere and chat about the future. That's all gone.
The easy way out is as sweet as honey now compared to the future in store for me.
I need new tricks to reset and calm the looping chaos in my mind that I can't explain. I'm hoping you all on here can understand and offer suggestions. I also need suggestions for coping with this loss of love and having to see him every day in the same manner as before but without the love. And I just need a place to share. I am seeking out a counselor as well, but they are sparse in this area, and wait times are months to years away. Thank you for reading
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