Venting Seeing loved ones before CTB

[realismangel]

I'm going to buy rope tomorrow, since for reasons too long to explain I can only do it on specific days. The type I believe is in the store near me is a 14mm polypropylene rope. Now, I'm in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend of multiple years, and she's coming over from wednesday to the last day of June. I'm so afraid she's somehow going to find the rope, or for some stupid reason I'm going to break down in tears when I see her. I feel so guilty knowing this is going to be the last time we see eachother, with me alive at least. I don't know how I'm going to act normal in front of her, especially since right after posting this I'm going to start on writing notes (which I keep procrastinating on) and I will most definitely cry. I'm not usually the type to cry, but knowing I'm leaving her makes me feel immense dread and guilt. She doesn't have many friends, besides our shared online ones. She has such a great mind and a bright future, but I'm afraid she's going to spiral terribly after my death. We've talked about my potential death before, as she is aware of some of my previous attempts. She has mentioned how she's not usually suicidal but stuff like losing me is the only thing that makes her feel that terrible. I don't really even know what I hope to gain by posting this, I just feel so guilty and terrible I need to get my thoughts out somewhere. I truly love the people I'm close to and I feel so selfish for leaving them.

 

[25dRvS9Ka]

Death is your right, dignity is a point of view of each individual and ends up being completely subjective, only you is truly able to judge it. Guilt is a legitimate feeling and no one but you should determine the relevance of this feeling.

Many people like the feeling of guarantee of causing the least amount of lateral damage possible. But the reality is that there is no guarantee that people will be okay, nor that they will be bad as long as you expected (this is the information I hate the most).

So if you want a tip, pay attention and care to your pain. Suffering in advance for others only reduces the chances of improvement in your life as much as it makes you feel remorse for thinking about/considering suicide. She must be a really nice person, my tip is to throw the rope away, date her without worrying and only buy another rope after she leaves, that way you don't create the possibility of unnecessary conflicts. How about this?