maniax
It Hurts
- Oct 4, 2024
- 10
First post.
Ive stopped trying to journal or talk to anyone about it honestly because I find it difficult to even really explain. I can't form thoughts like I used to. That and those who I have confided in are so sick of hearing me bitch constantly that i have learned how to try to hold my tongue. Though, i am pretty terrible at it.
For more than a decade now I have fought a losing battle. In and out of residential treatment centers and inpatient units. Tried every medication out there. I doubt my problem is anything that could be treated with medication anyways. It seems more like the world is systematically fucked, and those of us who suffer from mental illness just get told to take a bunch of pills instead of trying to address the systemic problems. And we get told we are crazy.
Things might get better if you have more emotional maturity than a potato. Unfortunately I do not.
Hindsight is always twenty twenty and i can safely say i have fucked up most of my life fully knowing i was fucking up. Something inside me just says thats the way things are.
One example of this is how i am throughly fucking up my relationship of nearly six years because i cant pull my head out of my ass. Ive become clingy. All i have is her. She has been meeting new people and spending less and less time with me, which would be totally fine if i could chill the fuck out. I let her go out on weekends and try not to tweak out, but i have accused her of cheating. Like a lot. She isn't. But my mouth will just throw out accusations anyways. She is always texting these fuckers in her phone and i just cant wrap my head around it. Maybe because i haven't had close friendships in seven years?? Its probably normal but all i see is her choosing to spend time with random idiots over myself. Consoling these stupid people she meets at the bars while she will tell me she hates me. And i know its my fault. I know i am pushing her away. It's like my body just reacts and the logical side of me sits by and watches helplessly. I am exhausting to be around when i get upset.
I want to ask her to marry me but I am absolutely terrible with money and haven't gotten a ring yet. I am terrible with planning so I haven't even really started planning. We fight all the time and its because of me. I would probably be a really shitty wife anyways. I feel like I never emotionally matured (surprise, because i never fucking did) and she is talking about fucking having children. I love her to death but I am the biggest fucktard on the planet because ive wasted six years of this girls life and now I am going to kill myself. And maybe this time i will actually have the balls for it to not just be empty threats.
I am not a stupid person. I think my life could have had some value once. Maybe it still does. But every year that passes i lose more and more of myself. That Sylvia Path poem about the fig tree really best describes the feeling. I have watched myself rot. I have watched so many doors close. Maybe if i was neurotypical i could handle it. But i am slipping. And without meaning or direction it just hurts.
I never thought i would make it past 18. Now at the ripe old age of 25 I shudder to consider myself at 30 even. I have become a deeply hateful and bitter person. I have become selfish and hypocritical. Envious and angry. And i hate myself for it.
I always thought suicide was selfish. But maybe its better. To preserve the memory of myself now. Before I continue to rot. Before continuing to waste my life more, hurt more people, fail more. Maybe if i was stronger i could pull myself up. But i don't think i am.
I don't know how i will do it yet. Death scares me despite me craving it. What happens if i stay is starting to scare me more.
Does anyone else have similar feelings? Like you are aware you are fucking up but it's like sitting back and watching yourself do it.
Ive stopped trying to journal or talk to anyone about it honestly because I find it difficult to even really explain. I can't form thoughts like I used to. That and those who I have confided in are so sick of hearing me bitch constantly that i have learned how to try to hold my tongue. Though, i am pretty terrible at it.
For more than a decade now I have fought a losing battle. In and out of residential treatment centers and inpatient units. Tried every medication out there. I doubt my problem is anything that could be treated with medication anyways. It seems more like the world is systematically fucked, and those of us who suffer from mental illness just get told to take a bunch of pills instead of trying to address the systemic problems. And we get told we are crazy.
Things might get better if you have more emotional maturity than a potato. Unfortunately I do not.
Hindsight is always twenty twenty and i can safely say i have fucked up most of my life fully knowing i was fucking up. Something inside me just says thats the way things are.
One example of this is how i am throughly fucking up my relationship of nearly six years because i cant pull my head out of my ass. Ive become clingy. All i have is her. She has been meeting new people and spending less and less time with me, which would be totally fine if i could chill the fuck out. I let her go out on weekends and try not to tweak out, but i have accused her of cheating. Like a lot. She isn't. But my mouth will just throw out accusations anyways. She is always texting these fuckers in her phone and i just cant wrap my head around it. Maybe because i haven't had close friendships in seven years?? Its probably normal but all i see is her choosing to spend time with random idiots over myself. Consoling these stupid people she meets at the bars while she will tell me she hates me. And i know its my fault. I know i am pushing her away. It's like my body just reacts and the logical side of me sits by and watches helplessly. I am exhausting to be around when i get upset.
I want to ask her to marry me but I am absolutely terrible with money and haven't gotten a ring yet. I am terrible with planning so I haven't even really started planning. We fight all the time and its because of me. I would probably be a really shitty wife anyways. I feel like I never emotionally matured (surprise, because i never fucking did) and she is talking about fucking having children. I love her to death but I am the biggest fucktard on the planet because ive wasted six years of this girls life and now I am going to kill myself. And maybe this time i will actually have the balls for it to not just be empty threats.
I am not a stupid person. I think my life could have had some value once. Maybe it still does. But every year that passes i lose more and more of myself. That Sylvia Path poem about the fig tree really best describes the feeling. I have watched myself rot. I have watched so many doors close. Maybe if i was neurotypical i could handle it. But i am slipping. And without meaning or direction it just hurts.
I never thought i would make it past 18. Now at the ripe old age of 25 I shudder to consider myself at 30 even. I have become a deeply hateful and bitter person. I have become selfish and hypocritical. Envious and angry. And i hate myself for it.
I always thought suicide was selfish. But maybe its better. To preserve the memory of myself now. Before I continue to rot. Before continuing to waste my life more, hurt more people, fail more. Maybe if i was stronger i could pull myself up. But i don't think i am.
I don't know how i will do it yet. Death scares me despite me craving it. What happens if i stay is starting to scare me more.
Does anyone else have similar feelings? Like you are aware you are fucking up but it's like sitting back and watching yourself do it.
