Resource Self Generated CTB Fuel to combat the SI (Survival Instinct)

[TAW122]

Warning and Disclaimer: Please do not attempt to do this if you don't wish to torment yourself further or make your mental state even worse. Also, your mileage may vary as everyone's SI, tolerance and endurance levels are different.

With that said, here is my method of combating the SI for me, in addition to desensitization through violent and graphic mediums, listening to CTB inducing music, and meditation. This involves self-generating CTB fuel through dwelling and picking up past painful events. I mentally revisit events that are horrific and/or adverse to me (again, will vary from individual to individual since no two people react or respond the same way to a particular event(s), so I'm just speaking for myself mainly.). Additionally, I also subject myself to anguish over unfortunate events that I have no control over and lament to myself at how weak and powerless I am in the grand scheme of things; in other words, self-inflicted hopelessness.

Example #1: I go back to the time where I regret not taking an opportunity that was presented to me and I always kick myself mentally for doing so. This one event was that I never had once achieved a 4.0 grade point average (GPA) in college in any given semester, despite coming close in three semesters. I know rationally I could not change it, and in normal circumstances, I don't even think about it nor does it come in intrusively. When I feel like I want to combat and fight against my survival instinct though, I dig it up again and then relive that event to feel even worse for myself and realize how defeated I am.

Example #2: For situations where I have no control over, on a grand scheme of things, where I am too weak to do much to affect the outcome, I dwell on how shitty things are and zero in on the negatives and just let the desolation and torment sink into my conscious willingly. One such example would be some of my unfulfilled dreams or injustices that I have faced during my life, whether adolescence, adulthood, or some other unfortunate event.

These are just some examples of the things I do and self imposed onto myself to combat my SI, and I could give many more examples, but the point and idea is already clear, which is digging up unfortunate events or zeroing in on all my shortcomings and weaknesses, which would just push me a step closer to ending it. Of course, everyone is different so what may be traumatic or CTB fuel inducing to me may not even be CTB fuel to another person.

 

[adios]

I do this quite often, and it usually helps me build up a bit of courage to ctb. I'll always revisit shitty things that have happened to me, or shitty things that I've done. Sometimes I'll even go as far back as 10 years ago(I'm 18, so that's elementary school for me). It hasn't been enough for me yet, obviously, but maybe one more thing will get me over the edge.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I punish myself by thinking about my traumas and finding ways to convince myself that it was all my fault. Yay. I browse resources online, look at graphic suicide pics and read accounts by people who have attempted and want to try again. Then of course there's music and other media that gets me in the mood.

 

[262653]

I have issues with motivation. It seems that I know of (have step-by-step plan) both how die and how to improve my life. Somehow I'm not moving in either direction. People often emphasize on methods of improving, or methods of dying. What's the point in knowing where to drive when there is no fuel in the car? One could say, so that you know where to go once you have the fuel. Okay, so what now?

Dwelling on negativity doesn't seem to help. Makes me feel bad enough to dislike it but not bad enough to bring rise to strong negative emotions that would incite me to do something radical. From personal experience, the best fuel I've got so far was from talking to normies about suicide, and observing (reading/watching about) people who seem to succeed in life, which occasionally brings rise to envy and jealousy and indignation over the percieved unfair treatment from the universe (since I believe that everything is intertwined, and every attribute, event, and body is connected in one way or another, and that parts of the whole can't be separated from the said whole).

I find it difficult to expose myself to the triggers once I find out they can bring strong emotions which can drive me to ctb. It's like my subconscious brain knows my weaknesses, and makes "hotfixes" for them. I feel blind to my own weakspots but at the same time I feel like I'm subconsciously avoiding these spots. Other people don't always know my weaknesses nor do they care about not picking my wounds, which translates into other people more likely than I am to accidentally stumble upon my weaknesses... Maybe I'll add something later.