Venting self hatred is the worst feeling

[mrpeter]

I've struggled with self hatred for years, ever since I was 12. I would constantly reminisce, about stupid shit I've done, and It gets worse and worse.
At least when I was 12, I could give myself excuses for being weird, but now its hard to give myself excuses for shit I've done recently, and it repeats over and over. I'm too scared to even mention any thing I've done, because I'm scared people that its going to get people in the chat riled up.

I haven't like hurt anyone or anything illegal, but that doesn't matter much. Sometimes I think about how straight up deranged I am. It can't just be autism. I'm an abomination of a human being. Don't know what it is, maybe it's the fact I was home schooled that made me not able to learn to be normal. I'm not normal I act weird, and I can't socialize. I get really nervous, and I'm really shy.

Maybe I have severe autism. I used to think, I had high-functioning autism, but honestly after the shit that I've done, there's no way it has to be way worse than that, and it can't just be autism. There has to be something worse I have. I can't forgive myself for the things I've done. I hate myself and no feeling in the world has ever destroyed me as much as self hatred. Every day I will think about shit I've done over and over and it never stops. I can't get over it and this has been happening for years, and it gets worse and worse. If people knew about everything I've done they would hate me and never forgive me.

Only shit that is preventing me from suicide is the fear of God exiting and failing, only option I have is hanging which has a very high chance of failure, I wish I could get a gun or sodium nitrite. I live with my parents so I can't order sodium nitrite, without them finding out.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I am experiencing the same thing. The recurring flashbacks get worse and more frequent with age. I think it's because it has given me a longer period of time to realize how weird I am and that I am never going to change because it simply avpart of my neurodivergent perrsonality. And it has given me more time to realize that most people don't act this way.

 

[greenman]

Your words so exactly describe my own life that it is uncanny. I have never read anything that captures my own experience so well. I wish that I had something to offer you as a way forward but, after many years, I still battle these wretched feelings day and night. All I can do is acknowledge your pain and offer you a hug. I hope your Higher Powers, whoever they are, bring you peace and enable you just to be.