Self sabotaged to push myself over the edge more.

[hopemeetshopeless]

I quit my job 2 weeks ago without having a back up plan. I just sent all of my money except enough to buy my gun and a bit to eat the next couple weeks. I already fully want to ctb and have full intention of doing so. I've just been stuck in this limbo state of basically being too depressed to get out of bed the last 6 days, which makes it hard to follow through with my ctb plans. "too much anxiety to live, too depressed to die." I essentially haven't left my house. I have no car and had had a few thousand saved but after quitting my job I've blown through almost half of it and sent the rest to my dad and blocked him. I already went and bought a gun to ctb about 2 months ago. I tried to get the balls to do it for about a week and failed (as usual) and tricked myself into thinking I could get better one more time and gave my gun to my roomate's dad to hold on to temporarily. Well now he won't give me the gun back or even answer my texts or calls. Now I don't have $ to pay rent in about a week. I have enough $ to get the gun again and survive till around the first. I'm in the process of trying to give all of my stuff away. I know this is my fate. There's kind of no backing out for me now. Winter is coming. I live in a very very very cold part of the country during winter it is brutal af here. I won't survive. I can't even get out of bed and brush my teeth, or eat, or take a shower. I can't even look out of my window without crying. I can't even walk to my mailbox without literally having a full blown panic attack. I have a meltdown at least 10 times a day, every day now. No part of me believes my life or mental health will get better, but worse, I know it will just continue to degenerate like it has my whole life. I did try. Hard. Trying was insufficient. I have to follow through. I have to override my survival instinct. This world is hell and I do not fear death. I just have to stop being a coward and end the suffering forever.

 

[ThatGuyOverThere]

I get that. We humans have a biological and societally cultivated bias towards existences. We need to experience an incredible amount of pain just so that we can even begin to break through our own mental barrier, that's holding us back from realising our suffering.

So as you have done, and myself at times, is to just let things get worse so that we are woken up a little bit, and are more adequately aware of our problems as a result of trying to solve said problem. Though I always hated that we need such self harm to realise that we are already having harm placed upon from other sources than just ourselves.

 

[hopemeetshopeless]

I get that. We humans have a biological and societally cultivated bias towards existences. We need to experience an incredible amount of pain just so that we can even begin to break through our own mental barrier, that's holding us back from realising our suffering.

So as you have done, and myself at times, is to just let things get worse so that we are woken up a little bit, and are more adequately aware of our problems as a result of trying to solve said problem. Though I always hated that we need such self harm to realise that we are already having harm placed upon from other sources than just ourselves.

this is a very well put way to explain it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find peace from the suffering, it really sounds like you've suffered a lot, to me existence really is so painful.

 

[Davey40210]

Hope you find peace OP.

 

[hopemeetshopeless]

I hope you find peace from the suffering, it really sounds like you've suffered a lot, to me existence really is so painful.

Hope you find peace OP.

thank you all. I'm trying to and I think its at the bottom of a 12 GA chamber for me at this point.

 

[lastboyscout]

I quit my job 2 weeks ago without having a back up plan. I just sent all of my money except enough to buy my gun and a bit to eat the next couple weeks. I already fully want to ctb and have full intention of doing so. I've just been stuck in this limbo state of basically being too depressed to get out of bed the last 6 days, which makes it hard to follow through with my ctb plans. "too much anxiety to live, too depressed to die." I essentially haven't left my house. I have no car and had had a few thousand saved but after quitting my job I've blown through almost half of it and sent the rest to my dad and blocked him. I already went and bought a gun to ctb about 2 months ago. I tried to get the balls to do it for about a week and failed (as usual) and tricked myself into thinking I could get better one more time and gave my gun to my roomate's dad to hold on to temporarily. Well now he won't give me the gun back or even answer my texts or calls. Now I don't have $ to pay rent in about a week. I have enough $ to get the gun again and survive till around the first. I'm in the process of trying to give all of my stuff away. I know this is my fate. There's kind of no backing out for me now. Winter is coming. I live in a very very very cold part of the country during winter it is brutal af here. I won't survive. I can't even get out of bed and brush my teeth, or eat, or take a shower. I can't even look out of my window without crying. I can't even walk to my mailbox without literally having a full blown panic attack. I have a meltdown at least 10 times a day, every day now. No part of me believes my life or mental health will get better, but worse, I know it will just continue to degenerate like it has my whole life. I did try. Hard. Trying was insufficient. I have to follow through. I have to override my survival instinct. This world is hell and I do not fear death. I just have to stop being a coward and end the suffering forever.

i wish i had a gun. I managed to get 2 revolvers 10 years ago added them in my closet but my family found them and throwed them to the river .
i got them to shoot my head but i never had the guts.. It was so hard to get the guns that when i think of it i just think of how stupid i am
after 10 years my life is worst .. wish i had the guts then

that time i quit my 7 years job in a bank after my fiancee leaving me, self sabotage trying to run away from everything , moving to another country. with any back plan as you,, to poland in december can someone imagine.. thats even colder than north pole

1 month later returned home and as expected didnt work, now no job, less money.. ashamed to face friends, unemployed , got some shit jobs during the past years,,, start drinking alcoool to get away from the constant sadness and trauma, then coke,,, right now im especting to get fired in some days cause i fucked up again


sorry not giving many ophtimism,,, about your friend, i think he is a sun of b,.. whats up with him not even answer your messages. maybe u can ask someone to go there with you and he pretends to be a buyer for the gun and he returns to u

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

Hope you find peace

 

[justmakingsure]

I totally feel you. So many times in life have I pissed away my opportunities, whether they be for me to improve or to end. as of late, I really don't wanna be here anymore but it's also more effort than I have in me to go and figure the best way out.