Story sex, fear, despondency, incomprehensible emptiness

[almaranthine]

I quit my old job about two months ago, and one day when I stopped by to do some shopping, I guy I'd worked with stopped to talk to me. He asked me how I was doing and was really the only person who cared enough to inquire and wish me well. I'd worked at this place almost 3 years. He asked me if I'd want to get a drink with him sometime or smoke. I was inherently turned off by this invitation because I don't like bars and I don't do drugs anymore, and besides the objective of hanging out would inevitably be to have sex with me and... I didn't think I could bear that.

No fault of his, I know most people are emotionally and mentally fine with having casual sex, but based on my personal history, being raped, being sexually abused in a past relationship, I just don't have that viewpoint. For me, even if someone is decent, is careful not to hurt me, finds me attractive enough to play with, it isn't enjoyable to me, and even if I'm distracted enough in the moment to go along with it and act normal, the aftermath for me is devastating. I think the only instance where I could be okay, where I could feel safe enough to be comfortable, is if I was with someone that loved me, but I've concluded that based on the way my life has derailed and dragged on and the fact no one *has* ever loved me, that this is not a possible outcome for me.

Regardless, after being heartbroken and lonely for so long, having not had even the most casual basic sexual interaction with anyone in almost two years, years and years since I'd had any meaningful intimacy, I decided to follow up with this man. I thought it would at least feel nice to be wanted, even if i was just the medium used to fulfill an objective carnal need. It was okay in the moment, not great, but at least my mind was in a tolerable place and I wasn't internally breaking down or anything. I was mentally present and was able to be receptive. But after he drove me home, and I stepped into my driveway, and I'd been forced to come to terms with what I really committed, I felt complete desolation overcome me. I realized later, shaking and silently crying that there is no relent for me, I'm genuinely damaged and it's irreconcilable. I have to find the strength to end my suffering successfully. I'm sitting here, concerned I could have gotten pregnant, and aware that unprotected sex with this person was extremely risky. I'll be forced to drop the cash for plan b, and if I had any intention of continuing my life, I would go to a clinic for testing. Instead, I'm going to attempt to figure out the logistics of a drop hang from my attic, down to the garage. I've never had any luck figuring out partial suspension or getting the "night night" method to work.

 

[Bat 17]

I'm really sorry that you have been through all this. You describe the situation so well. But you mustn't be so hard on yourself. There is nothing wrong with seeking closeness with someone, it's very natural. But you have been damaged and there is trauma that still needs to be worked through - it can be done. You should go to the clinic for testing. But most important of all, you should be kind to yourself.

 

[almaranthine]

Thank you for posting such a kind and caring response. I've had this trauma for many years and found myself suicidal multiple times. I made a few poor attempts and managed to get myself hospitalized and sectioned. I started doing much better when I got my old job. Things really felt like they were improving, but I reached a point where I couldn't stay there as I was in love with someone I worked with and it was just too hard for me to keep these feelings any longer. I thought either I would quit and we could actually communicate normally or I would finally force myself to get over him. Neither happened, unfortunately. Going through this definitely impacted the way I experienced being with the other guy, and I wish I could be more positive after the fact. I know it's okay to want to be close to someone, but I can't seem to experience that closeness, even with a person right beside me, I feel so small and far away, and knowing they don't love me, and likely could not, should not love me, just makes the intimacy itself feel counterfeit and painful.

 

[Bat 17]

Once again I have to say that you communicate your feelings and what's going on inside very eloquently. Have you been in therapy? I think you could really benefit as you come across as psychologically minded. You've also clearly identified one of the core issues "I can't seem to experience that closeness, even with a person right beside me, I feel so small and far away, and knowing they don't love me, and likely could not, should not love me"

Why could they, should they not love you?

I understand regarding your previous self harm and it's totally understandable. I've been sectioned myself. After what you've been through it's not surprising and certainly nothing to be ashamed of.

It's also a positive sign that things started to get better when you got your job, at least before you started developing feelings for your colleague. It sounds like you need to disentangle your present feelings and emotions from the trauma of what happened to you in the past. You can do it.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Maybe see if you can find someone asexual to have a relationship with?

 

[almaranthine]

Maybe see if you can find someone asexual to have a relationship with?

How and where do I find someone like this? Online I suppose? I've never actually met or have known anyone asexual. Thinking about it, I guess it would be really nice... knowing the person is with you purely because they want to be, and there isn't this hidden sexual agenda motivating everything they say or do with you, and if they say they care, I feel like it would be more genuine than anyone else I've ever been with in my life.

Once again I have to say that you communicate your feelings and what's going on inside very eloquently. Have you been in therapy? I think you could really benefit as you come across as psychologically minded. You've also clearly identified one of the core issues "I can't seem to experience that closeness, even with a person right beside me, I feel so small and far away, and knowing they don't love me, and likely could not, should not love me"

Why could they, should they not love you?

I understand regarding your previous self harm and it's totally understandable. I've been sectioned myself. After what you've been through it's not surprising and certainly nothing to be ashamed of.

It's also a positive sign that things started to get better when you got your job, at least before you started developing feelings for your colleague. It sounds like you need to disentangle your present feelings and emotions from the trauma of what happened to you in the past. You can do it.

Hi again, yes I have been in some therapy, however it was years ago and mandated by my university in order for me to be able to return to school. After I was raped in college I had a mental breakdown, experienced a full blown manic episode and was hospitalized legitimately for the first time. After being released the college put a hold on my registration and I was not allowed to finish school until I was "okayed" by a psychiatrist/psychologist. Hence the therapy wasn't sincere... all of my responses were skewed and manufactured to ensure the therapist would approve me. Aside from that, I had group therapy in the hospital after my first serious suicide attempt, and after being released that time, I did seek some treatment purely to continue being able to get a prescription for benzodiazepines. After the psychiatrist at the place turned down my request for a klonopin refill, opting to put me on antidepressants instead, I never went back. I hear a lot of varied feedback about the efficacy of therapy sessions, from what I understand a lot of people get platitudes and generic advice like "go for walks," "start a journal," "begin a new hobby," all evasive techniques that while productive I don't see how I needed a professional's advice and cost of services to understand that doing multiple activities to take my mind off of my mental problems is a good thing to at least try. I guess it really depends on finding a good doctor that cares, and it seems like that isn't easy.

 

[Bat 17]

Are you in the US? I think therapy of the "start a journal" type is more aimed at mild illness and wouldn't be suitable for you. I've had experience of schema based therapy, dialectical behaviour therapy and compassion focused therapy and have found them very helpful at understanding myself and making changes, although of course they are only part of the recovery package. I'm bipolar so am on medication as well. You would need a therapy that's appropriately trauma focused.

Do you feel better off the Klonopin?

 

[almaranthine]

Are you in the US? I think therapy of the "start a journal" type is more aimed at mild illness and wouldn't be suitable for you. I've had experience of schema based therapy, dialectical behaviour therapy and compassion focused therapy and have found them very helpful at understanding myself and making changes, although of course they are only part of the recovery package. I'm bipolar so am on medication as well. You would need a therapy that's appropriately trauma focused.

Do you feel better off the Klonopin?

I would need to research more thoroughly and make sure I could find the right kind of therapy. I will try to look into the treatments you mentioned. I don't currently have medical insurance so I have not been very proactive about my health. And yes, I'm in the US. Honestly the psychiatrist there was right to take me off of benzos. I gave them no reason to suspect that I was and could continue to abuse them, but based on my living situation and the abusive relationship I was in I would not have taken that medication as recommended. Multiple times I would purposely drink while on it because it gave me this manic, blissful high. I'm glad I at least recovered to the point where I no longer abuse drugs or take recreational drugs. After my huge manic episode years ago, I was given a bipolar diagnosis but after going to other doctors/therapist they changed it to "ptsd and a trauma induced manic event." Who knows I could be legitimately bipolar but, truth be told I don't want to know. When I finally quit smoking weed I found that my mental state was much, much clearer and stable. I think smoking for so many years created those symptoms or officially aggravated an underlying condition that would have not noticeably surfaced otherwise.

 

[Bat 17]

You've done very well getting off the drugs - prescription and recreational - with everything that's been going on in your life, nice one.

I used to smoke weed for years even though it made me paranoid and stupefied - when I stopped I had to ask myself why I hadn't done it years before lol

 

[almaranthine]

You've done very well getting off the drugs - prescription and recreational - with everything that's been going on in your life, nice one.

I used to smoke weed for years even though it made me paranoid and stupefied - when I stopped I had to ask myself why I hadn't done it years before lol

Same here, after quitting I realized how many years straight I spent fucked up. It would make me paranoid too depending on the strain and intensity, hell sometimes I'd even hear voices not gonna lie. I think my old job really helped me quit everything, I was basically a sales representative for vitamins, supplements, and health and beauty products. It really encouraged me to be a better me. I feel lost at the moment; I guess that job became a huge part of my identity and I wasn't fully aware of it before quitting.

 

[Bat 17]

Maybe you could do something similar ? Sounds like you were good at it.

I think I only started to get better from my most recent crazy episode (involved 3.5 months on a psych ward) when I started working again. As well as giving the day focus and a break from being in my own thoughts, like you say it becomes a central part of identity

 

[almaranthine]

Maybe you could do something similar ? Sounds like you were good at it.

I think I only started to get better from my most recent crazy episode (involved 3.5 months on a psych ward) when I started working again. As well as giving the day focus and a break from being in my own thoughts, like you say it becomes a central part of identity

I'm glad you were able to find a position that helped you feel better. Almost 4 months in the psych ward is a lot to handle... I can only imagine being there that long and having to readjust to normal life. However I know from experience and having manic episodes that you are much safer in the hospital.

I was great at my old job, too good actually in the sense that the management there exploited me endlessly and refused to give me the promotion I trained for and deserved (because I was already doing all the work for no extra compensation and the people were cheap and heartless). While I was unemployed I looked for any similar work and unfortunately there isn't many similar stores where I live and the opportunities are few and far between. I won't stop looking though because this office job I just got is not good for my mental state, I can already tell.