Venting She Left Me

[maniax]

So if you look at my first post I talk about me wanting to kill myself just due to my general depression and feeling terrible because I was with the woman I still loved (and thought still loved me) and I felt terrible because I was not acting like the best partner I should have been. I didn't know how good I had it. I just never considered losing her as stupid as that sounds.

She woke up on Tuesday and said she wanted a break because she did not love me anymore. She was walking on egg shells for months due to my shit attitude and lack of effort and honestly after some reflection a lot of it if not all of it is my fault. She had been falling asleep for the past month thinking of breaking up.
She also admitted to cheating on me durring the last two years of our relationship. Five different men. I always told her if she cheated I would not even want her anymore but to my horror I don't even care. I just want her back.
She said it was temporary and I packed a few bags and went to my dad's house.

She says she thinks we will get through it but stupidly i kept asking about the what ifs and i asked what if she falls in love with another. And she said that was a possibility but she was not actively looking for it but still she could pull a 180 and end up leaving.
She says she will have to fall in love with me again. She said she could still picture a future though. But then she is going out and when people ask if she is single she says yes.
She said she still wants to smoke together and be friends but she woke up on Tuesday after almost six years and was done. I cant stop crying in front of her every time I see her and I can tell thats pushing her away. Last night we smoked and she said she just wanted to hang and have it not be stressful and like an idiot all I could do was sob and keep asking about what ifs. Thats not a good look. That will make it worse and i need to get a fucking grip.

The only fucking shred of hope I have is her saying she thinks we will be okay. I look at her and can tell she doesnt feel it. But she said she sees a future with me. I need to work on myself as a human. She says she will reevaluate our relationship after we clean the apartment but I look at her and there is not a single shred of love in her eyes. It hurts so fucking bad. I set up a therapy and medical appointment. I am going to start cleaning my living space and working out. I am going to be a better person for her.

Its so funny how terrible of a person I was when I took for for granted. I had no fucking idea how good I had it. I would do anything to take the last two years back. I just gave up in my life and this is the consequence. I cant sleep. Cant eat. I wake up every morning with panic attacks. A few months ago I even took out a loan for an engagement ring hahahaha.

So now I am sitting here with my worst fear having come true. The self fulfilling prophecy. I cannot live with the guilt knowing my neglect has caused the best thing in my life to die. I just cant.
This is the closest I have ever fucking been. I wonder why I was even upset before. I had it so good.

I don't even need a painless method anymore. I think I want to burn. Gas tanks and a lighter are cheap and everywhere. The natural response to not want to kill yourself is strong but I genuinely think I am disassociated enough I could get myself to flick the lighter.
As soon as the flames start I would regret it due to agony but at least I know I wouldn't end up braindead like messing up a carbon monoxide poisoning. I feel like nothing is real.

I truly truly truly fucked up. I am a wreck. I am just fucking praying she will want to come back. She said she would evaluate us when the apartment is clean. I am hanging on to a shred of hope because she said she thinks we will be okay. She is bi-polar and she also mentioned she thinks something died inside her recently because she is working on a lot of past trauma in therapy and that is contributing to it. So there is the slightest hope. She I am just so terrified.
I am praying. I have never prayed in my life but I am praying. And if I lose her I am done. I don't want her to suffer with guilt but like I said knowing I have ruined the only good thing in my life is absolutely killing me inside. Seeing her with another partner would absolutely kill me inside.

I need advice.

 

[alienfreak]

I'm sorry, I feel for you. Your post is difficult to respond to because i relate to the situation and can see how painful it is. I'm putting genuine effort into thinking about what i could say that might help.

This part stands out to me and i imagine it will be difficult to read your own words:

She also admitted to cheating on me durring the last two years of our relationship. Five different men. I always told her if she cheated I would not even want her anymore but to my horror I don't even care. I just want her back.

I understand your grief and how unimaginable it might seem, but what if she isn't good for you and you would be better off without her? You are desperate to have her back, but it might not be for the best. It must be hard to believe, and i don't know you, but in many cases these facts would be true: you can survive without her, maybe even feel better alone, and you can possibly find someone else that might be better. Try not to just laugh at that prospect and discard it.

A good partner wouldn't do all this to you, in my opinion. The pain you feel is partially a result of her treating you badly. Even if you have been very distant, deeply depressed etc. that doesnt come anywhere close to justifying her cheating on you over that long period of time (2 years??) and with that many people. What she did is fucking awful and sick. It seems clear that you didnt do anything that could deserve her treating you like that. She betrayed you. You seem desperate and throwing away all your own sense of self-respect for someone that doesnt deserve you. I think it is likely that you cant see clearly and dont realise your own value.

I am a pathetic, isolated, lonely person myself that is desperate for someone to love me and care about me. And i think it would be a miracle to find someone that i can make a connection to. I found someone only once in my life and i similarly lost it. I think the people we found just werent compatible with us, or the timing was wrong, etc., and so the best choice may be to move on. I think in situations like these we could be with a literal demon and still be desperate to not be alone so we would cling to the demon, not even realising what we are doing. I think many people have an experience like that and months later are shocked how they couldnt see their partner's flaws.

I hope some of this might help you see things more clearly. Your situation is very recent and you need time to grieve and process it.

 

[Valhala]

I completely sympathize with you because my life became completely meaningless when I lost the only woman I truly loved in my life. What's worst is that I left her, even three times, and the only reason for that was mistakes in communication and my impatience..and all the time, from the first moment we loved each other endlessly. She was completely disappointed in me and lost her trust, because of those interruptions of our relationship, and she said that she still loves me but she doesn't want to be with me anymore because she can't get over those abandonments of mine. In our case no one cheated on anyone because we really loved each other very much. It's been almost a year since then and as far as I know she's still single but she's still mad at me and disappointed. Every contact is broke up, I've been blocked by her on social media (which I asked her to do), however I see what she posts and I see that she still thinks about us but she's still angry and doesn't trust me. I also know that and she follows me on the networks and often with their posts it follows on from mine, unfortunately mostly in a negative context. I know that I am her greatest love in life and she is also for me. as time goes by, more and more. My life has completely lost its purpose and meaning without her, no one can replace her in my life. I am aware that she can never find anyone who would suit her as much as I do, they had we are perfect communication, understanding, emotions, feelings, sex - everything was incredible, special and never before experienced. on the other hand, then I guess she would understand how important she was to me and how much I loved her all the time. I often dream of her and in my dream we always reconcile, we will be together and it will be very nice for us. I will not be a CTB until I try everything how I would get her back and how we could be together again (this time forever) together, but every day is as long as a year, hard and full of pain and suffering without her. I keep imagining how wonderful it was when we were together and I really feel that I can't go on without her..