accidentaldeath
Student
- May 29, 2018
- 107
Hi, I have a bit of a problem, lately I've been into another depressive episode and diagnosed with Major depression disorder. I have a really supportive family which always listens to me and take care of me, that's where the problem is, they don't know about my illness. I've been faking to be happy and smiling every fucking day when I was broke as hell inside I know they would get really worried about me and I don't want to ruin their lifes, that's also the reason why I haven't commited suicide and probably won't do it ever. Also my dad has a chronic illness which makes everything worse, I don't want his illness to get worse and I know he would get really worried.
The problem is I don't have any way of scaping this hell, I can't suicide because I wouldn't be able to do that to my family. Also feel like if I ask them for help everything would get even worse. But for me it's really fucking hard to keep faking things, It's been almost 3 years and they don't have any idea, also no one ones, even my friends don't know it. I have situations everyday where I have to fake a smile and beign happy when my family is around and run to the bathroom to cry so they don't see me when I'm with them. Anti depressants made it a bit easier, I was a fucking zombie all day, they completly killed my emotions and thoughts, I was sleepy all day so my doctor finally retired them.
Lately life is fucking me even more, I got into some courses in order to study and keep my mind busy when I'm not working and teachers are fucking me even more and laughing at me and I have to keep going because I don't want to tell my family I failed with my studies too, and I'm in a point with extreme anxiety and definetly need some help. Any idea on how to do it or where to ask for help? Thanks.
The problem is I don't have any way of scaping this hell, I can't suicide because I wouldn't be able to do that to my family. Also feel like if I ask them for help everything would get even worse. But for me it's really fucking hard to keep faking things, It's been almost 3 years and they don't have any idea, also no one ones, even my friends don't know it. I have situations everyday where I have to fake a smile and beign happy when my family is around and run to the bathroom to cry so they don't see me when I'm with them. Anti depressants made it a bit easier, I was a fucking zombie all day, they completly killed my emotions and thoughts, I was sleepy all day so my doctor finally retired them.
Lately life is fucking me even more, I got into some courses in order to study and keep my mind busy when I'm not working and teachers are fucking me even more and laughing at me and I have to keep going because I don't want to tell my family I failed with my studies too, and I'm in a point with extreme anxiety and definetly need some help. Any idea on how to do it or where to ask for help? Thanks.
