"Should" I be suicidal?

[Edu Ardanuy]

So, a close relative approached me after I confided that I was having suicidal thoughts last year. I had already shared this with my mom, who simply told me to "get rid of those thoughts." When I told this relative, their response was that I shouldn't think that way, that life is hard for everyone, and we all have to push through, find a job—any job—and keep going.

The thing is, I'm a coder. I have skills, but I'm struggling to find a job. I've been applying to countless positions and sending out a ton of CVs, but nothing seems to work. No job offers. This lack of progress is making me feel sick. Then, my mom kicked me out of her house, calling me a depressive failure who's doing nothing with his life. I've started to believe her—that I'm worthless.

But I can't accept the idea of just taking any job that pays the bills to get by. I'm not lazy, and I'm not a bad person, but nothing in my life seems to work out. Every time I try to move forward and succeed, it all falls apart. Does this justify my sadness? Should these struggles serve as an excuse to consider suicide?

I wish I had parents who were supportive, who could stand by me in tough times and help me figure things out. I wish I were more resilient. But I'm not. I wish I had the strength to take on any job, even as a janitor, and still face life with a smile. But I'm not like that. My family sees me as a burden—a failure who's too stubborn to accept that "a job is a job."

I'm not living my best life. In fact, things are only getting worse. I even got SN (suicide means), but now I'm too scared to follow through. I thought having an "out" might bring me some peace of mind, but I was wrong. I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I feel like I don't deserve to be alive.

Thanks for reading.

 

[NoFancyNames]

I can only give you an answer based on my life experience but I think that some of our brains are just wired this way. There are people out there that have never considered suicide. And that doesn't necessary mean that they haven't suffered.

I'm also not so sure that you need a tangible reason to feel a certain way. It's not as simple as having an issue that is big enough that it validates these kind of thoughts. Life is way more complex than this and it's different for everyone.

I have been wanting to CTB for about 20 years, yet I'm still here. And there were times when it was easier and I rarely thought of it, and now I'm in a bigger crisis again. I fixed everything there was to fix in my life, on paper my life is wonderful right now. So technically I do not have a reason, but that doesn't help at all. And I'm fighting like hell everyday and people have no clue how hard it is and I try to reach for help and I get some help but people are hurt when I share too explicitly because they just don't understand. Anyway, as it turns out, I'm mentally ill and have ptsd, I'm trying to recover, it's not easy. So it took me a long time but potentially there is a reason for my brain being wired this way, but it's not one simple reason and it's not the kind of answer that people understand. I too hear that I should just move on and forget the past, and live my life and be happy. I wish I could just give them a glimpse inside of my brain, so they could see how hard I'm trying and how much I wish I could do this, but life doesn't work like that, at least not for me.

I don't know you and what wired you the way you are. But you don't need a reason to feel the way you do, you just do, and most people will never understand. They likely don't mean to harm you, they just frightened by suicide. Perhaps it's unnatural to people so it freaks them out, so they want some sort of justification so they could relate and understand but likely the experience is so alien to them that no reason would be valid enough.

Anyway, apologies if I rumbled too much. All I'm trying to say is, that you are who you are and you feel the way you do. That's it. No need for justification, not to others anyway. If you have a fight in you, keep fighting, until you figure it out. If you don't, then don't. It's your choice, whatever you decide to do. It's your life.

 

[Edu Ardanuy]

likely the experience is so alien to them that no reason would be valid enough.

I see your point and couldn't agree more. I've been thinking about suicide for so long that sometimes I forget how much it unsettles people when the word suicide comes up. It's not "natural" for most to talk about it openly.

What you said about it feeling like an alien experience reminds me of something. Back in the day, I had a friend who used to smoke pot. At the time, I had no idea what it was all about and got scared—I honestly thought he was some kind of evil drug dealer, having hallucinations all time time or something. Looking back, I can understand why people react the way they do to sensitive topics like that.

I don't know what you've been through, but thank you for reading my vent. You were so right when you pointed out, "you don't need a reason to feel the way you do." It really does feel that way. I can't seem to find any reason for it! Like, why on earth am I feeling this way? I keep trying to explain it, to dive into myself and figure out what's causing it. Maybe if I find an explanation, it'll make me feel better?

-English is not my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes*

 

[EvisceratedJester]

You don't need to justify feeling sad or being suicidal. If you feel sad and suicidal, then you are sad and suicidal. You can't help how you feel.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

So, a close relative approached me after I confided that I was having suicidal thoughts last year. I had already shared this with my mom, who simply told me to "get rid of those thoughts." When I told this relative, their response was that I shouldn't think that way, that life is hard for everyone, and we all have to push through, find a job—any job—and keep going.

The thing is, I'm a coder. I have skills, but I'm struggling to find a job. I've been applying to countless positions and sending out a ton of CVs, but nothing seems to work. No job offers. This lack of progress is making me feel sick. Then, my mom kicked me out of her house, calling me a depressive failure who's doing nothing with his life. I've started to believe her—that I'm worthless.

But I can't accept the idea of just taking any job that pays the bills to get by. I'm not lazy, and I'm not a bad person, but nothing in my life seems to work out. Every time I try to move forward and succeed, it all falls apart. Does this justify my sadness? Should these struggles serve as an excuse to consider suicide?

I wish I had parents who were supportive, who could stand by me in tough times and help me figure things out. I wish I were more resilient. But I'm not. I wish I had the strength to take on any job, even as a janitor, and still face life with a smile. But I'm not like that. My family sees me as a burden—a failure who's too stubborn to accept that "a job is a job."

I'm not living my best life. In fact, things are only getting worse. I even got SN (suicide means), but now I'm too scared to follow through. I thought having an "out" might bring me some peace of mind, but I was wrong. I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I feel like I don't deserve to be alive.

Thanks for reading.

Sorry it's been so hard for you. My wife and I were both lucky to find good tech jobs quickly because we live in one of the world's largest tech hubs (Seattle). I know it's not like that everywhere, and the job market isn't great right now. I'm recently unemployed after working more than 15 years in tech, and my wife also just separated from me and effectively kicked me out of the house. I can't find another job even after working at some very elite places, so I feel pretty worthless.

It's hard to translate coding skills to other jobs. Have you considered teaching coding? That may not pay well, but it's an option in some places. Could you do related jobs like DevOps or Information Security? Those can be very highly paid if you have skills, which can be self-taught.

It's not surprising you're thinking about suicide, feeling stuck without a job and without support can make life feel overwhelming. I would just encourage you to keep trying for as long as you have it in you, that's all anybody can do in life really.

 

[Edu Ardanuy]

Sorry it's been so hard for you. My wife and I were both lucky to find good tech jobs quickly because we live in one of the world's largest tech hubs (Seattle). I know it's not like that everywhere, and the job market isn't great right now. I'm recently unemployed after working more than 15 years in tech, and my wife also just separated from me and effectively kicked me out of the house. I can't find another job even after working at some very elite places, so I feel pretty worthless.

It's hard to translate coding skills to other jobs. Have you considered teaching coding? That may not pay well, but it's an option in some places. Could you do related jobs like DevOps or Information Security? Those can be very highly paid if you have skills, which can be self-taught.

It's not surprising you're thinking about suicide, feeling stuck without a job and without support can make life feel overwhelming. I would just encourage you to keep trying for as long as you have it in you, that's all anybody can do in life really.

Thank you for sharing a part of your story and for trying to offer some suggestions. The thing is, in my country, a master's degree is required to teach coding at the college level. It might be possible at a technical level, but where are the available job positions? I can't find any. It's really discouraging and just adds to the challenges I've already been dealing with.
And yes, it's definitely hard to translate the coding concepts I've learned into other jobs. Imagine me landing an administrative position and trying to talk about improving workflows using queues, databases, asynchronous requests, containers, and shit

 

[NoFancyNames]

I see your point and couldn't agree more. I've been thinking about suicide for so long that sometimes I forget how much it unsettles people when the word suicide comes up. It's not "natural" for most to talk about it openly.

What you said about it feeling like an alien experience reminds me of something. Back in the day, I had a friend who used to smoke pot. At the time, I had no idea what it was all about and got scared—I honestly thought he was some kind of evil drug dealer, having hallucinations all time time or something. Looking back, I can understand why people react the way they do to sensitive topics like that.

I don't know what you've been through, but thank you for reading my vent. You were so right when you pointed out, "you don't need a reason to feel the way you do." It really does feel that way. I can't seem to find any reason for it! Like, why on earth am I feeling this way? I keep trying to explain it, to dive into myself and figure out what's causing it. Maybe if I find an explanation, it'll make me feel better?

-English is not my first language, so I apologize for any mistakes*

Yeah, I think your story about your initial thoughts about your stoner friend is a good analogy for what others might think/feel when presented with thoughts about CTB.

I've found that I can still sometimes find comfort and support in others while not being fully explicit but it does suck that it also feels like I have to hide and I can't really explain what I feel fully, but it is nice to have some support than being completely alone, and I've found this forum to feel more understood.

Perhaps an explanation will make you feel better, perhaps not. Is there even an explanation? The issue is of philosophical nature, but exploration might be worth it for you. It's always good to know yourself better and on a deeper level. It might guide you on the path that will make you feel better.
And regarding your employment issues, keep looking for job in your field but if you can find something unrelated that pays the bills that you don't hate, it might also make you feel better, as long as you know that it is temporary, but you might experience something different, meet new people. It may not be a bad thing.