Help Should I get help from a teacher?

[Eideprius]

(My english is not the best sry)
I have come more and more to the conclusion that I want to die.
I am depressed since 5-6 years, but I was never so serious about ctb then know.
The peoblem is I am not 100% sure. As long as I set myself the goal to die, I am calmer and it is easier to do things like drawing. It feels almost good. But only because I don't care for everything else. I am in the last year of the school and I am not even soure if i can pass. without passing I can't go to university, but I also can't study or sociallize, because of my mental health. I am just to tired of it.
I have yesterday thought about writing one of my teachers, but as long as I don't want my parents to find out he can't help me. So It wouldn't really be helpfull and bring him in a problematic situation.
I don't want to dump this on him when I know from the beginning that he can't do much more then talking to my parents. I think as long as I don't say I want ctb he would respect my wish to don't talk to them, but then there is no reason to tell him in the first place. I don't even know what I should tell him.. It would just make life more akward.
And for me It doesn't feel like a big problem. Being depressed is normal and death is for me something good. But I know theoretical that It is not and maybe there could be a better life for me. I just can't see it.
Therapie doesn't work. It takes month to find a place, even more to finaly get it and I life with my parents. So letters etc. Would be a problem.
So maybe it is better to just go on, plan my death and end it?

 

[alienfreak]

I just read your other posts too. I assume you must be very young (18?) considering your school situation.

I know it can be very hard to do it, but unless there is some reason you don't mention, I think you should consider admitting to your family that you want to see a doctor and therapist. You dont have to say you want to die (I wouldnt tell them that, tbh). You can say something much more gentle than that, like that you have had a low mood and don't feel well. It's up to you how much you share. Even people that are mentally healthy may want to see a therapist for personal development and so on. Unless your family is very bad and abusive then it should be totally fine. It is sad and unnecessary that you'd live in fear of your family finding a letter about therapy. Otherwise, why do you feel like you can't tell them? If they are judgemental people or pry and dont respect your privacy and independence then they suck, disregard them. You're an adult and you can do what you want even if they disapprove. Based on your posts i think you should definitely try therapy. I get the feeling that this is what you want to do but you are afraid and struggle to do it despite that. I have severe social anxiety myself and suppose your fear about seeking help is likely related to your social issues, and intentionally facing these fears could be the best thing you could do.

 

[Eideprius]

I just read your other posts too. I assume you must be very young (18?) considering your school situation.

I know it can be very hard to do it, but unless there is some reason you don't mention, I think you should consider admitting to your family that you want to see a doctor and therapist. You dont have to say you want to die (I wouldnt tell them that, tbh). You can say something much more gentle than that, like that you have had a low mood and don't feel well. It's up to you how much you share. Even people that are mentally healthy may want to see a therapist for personal development and so on. Unless your family is very bad and abusive then it should be totally fine. It is sad and unnecessary that you'd live in fear of your family finding a letter about therapy. Otherwise, why do you feel like you can't tell them? If they are judgemental people or pry and dont respect your privacy and independence then they suck, disregard them. You're an adult and you can do what you want even if they disapprove. Based on your posts i think you should definitely try therapy. I get the feeling that this is what you want to do but you are afraid and struggle to do it despite that. I have severe social anxiety myself and suppose your fear about seeking help is likely related to your social issues, and intentionally facing these fears could be the best thing you could do.

My parents are complicated. On the one hand, I have developed a certain fear of talking to them since I was little. There's nothing rational about that. They never abused me, but I've been terrified since I can remember.

It's weaker now, but when it comes to deep personal things it's actually the same as before.
This goes so far that dying is an easier and more pleasant decision for me.

Second:
I've tried here and there to talk about my problems, but my parents don't take me seriously and don't even try to understand why I feel this way.
My comment that I have no friends was dismissed without reaction, my problems with school were dismissed as laziness and when I tried to emphasize that it was more because I find it deeply unpleasant and am afraid to speak up in class My mother just cracked stupid jokes and didn't take it seriously.

My mother constantly thinks she knows better and can see through everything, which usually ends up with all the problems I have being because I'm not good enough, or being told that she had it worse before.


When I was 10 I thought about killing myself too, my parents found out and instead of sending me to the psychologist, they just cut off contact with my friends, excluding letters. We had moved and I was very afraid of losing my friends. That's where the depression came from.
Even when I relapsed, they just banned me from using computers and cell phones again.
Outwardly it helped temporarily, but I was never really healthy afterwards.

I don't want to have to talk to my parents about personal problems or explain to them what exactly is going on and I don't want them to try to "solve it themselves" again because they think they know better. My parents are distant friends at best
My father has some flaws himself and doesn't see that he actually needs therapy and instead prefers to ignore it and make our lives worse with it. If my mother want to deal with that, fine, but I haven't choose that. Before I would have felt sorry for him, but now it just gets on my nerves. I mean it is not that serious like abuse but over years it has some impact on our lives.
I've spent so much of my life trying to please my family and always being considerate of them, but I don't always want to feel responsible for my parents' or my brother's problems.
My parents are simply not people you can have a reasonable conversation with and expect them to listen seriously
Making myself vulnerable to them by trying to talk about even a watered-down version of my problems is no option for me.

And well even when I am an Adult, as long as I live with them I need to deel with them.
They still open official letters, because they pay everything.
So being 18 hasn't change a bit on my sitution.. sucks but it is like it is.
And I don't want to hurt them. Even if it may sound so, I don't hate them. I know they are people with their own problems.

And even if I can get some sort of therapie.. I don't really know If I can wait months for it. If I would have the option I would maybe not live past this month. So I don't know if I have missed my time frame to change something and getting help. I have the feeling that I am at the moment on the edge.

I don't expect others to understand this about my parents. From outside it probaly doesn't seem like such a serious problem that death is better.

I just feel lost in life

 

[Regen]

I understand your problem with your parents. When I was young I was in a similar situation. I want to get help and therapy but I really don't want that my parents know about my problems and my depression!! Today I see that there are options to get help for children and young people and the parents don't know about it. Ask your teacher if there are any options to get help without parents. Ask a helpline if there are options. Ask in a forum how you can get help without your parents. I understand it... I feel the same, that death would be better then a information to my parents. It is not normal when you think better to die then get help from your parents, but there are deep reasons why you feel like this and because of this reasons your feelings are normal. Sorry for my english. Try to get help. For me it was the right decision to speak with my teacher...

 

[Eideprius]

I understand your problem with your parents. When I was young I was in a similar situation. I want to get help and therapy but I really don't want that my parents know about my problems and my depression!! Today I see that there are options to get help for children and young people and the parents don't know about it. Ask your teacher if there are any options to get help without parents. Ask a helpline if there are options. Ask in a forum how you can get help without your parents. I understand it... I feel the same, that death would be better then a information to my parents. It is not normal when you think better to die then get help from your parents, but there are deep reasons why you feel like this and because of this reasons your feelings are normal. Sorry for my english. Try to get help. For me it was the right decision to speak with my teacher...

I have talked to online helplines pretty often, the result was mostly nothing. "Talk to your parents and if not we can't help"

My Teacher is actualy my last option, if that fails I am definitly done with everything.
But I think I should at least try as long as I still want to live a little bit.

Do you have maybe some tips how I could begin a conversation with my teacher about that? I probaly would want to write him today, so I have a few days were I don't need to see him in person. That makes it easier. On the other hand I feel bad for ruining his weekend with that. He is a really nice guy, so I am not sure how I should discribe my problems without giving him the feeling I could kill myself. I don't want to give him the feeling he is responsible for me or worry him too much. And of course I don't want him to be forced to involve my parents, that would happen If I say directly that I am suicidal.

 

[Regen]

I'm not in a good mood right now, but I still want to try to answer you. Maybe others have ideas too.

I went to my teacher personally and told him that I wanted to do therapy without my parents finding out. In the course of further conversations I made the mistake of saying that I not only had suicidal thoughts but that I had also obtained specific means. He was then forced to admit me to a clinic. I was also a minor, so it's much stricter. That was initially a disaster. But the bottom line is that it was good for me. I felt so damn bad that there was no other way. And I finally got help. And I was away from my parents. I was away from the pressure at school.

But if you want to avoid that at all costs, then don't talk about specific intentions. Instead, talk about how you need help because you have severe depression. Be persistent, say that you really need help urgently, but don't want to say more about it. Stick with it, that means if the teacher doesn't know anything, then ask him who might know something! Keep asking until you get to the right place.