Should I go?

[snorli]

I was just thinking about this and then I saw Rachel74's thread about a similar situation. Don't want to hijack her thread though. So, eh, gonna create a thread of my own, my first one on here.

At the age of 20 I fell deeply, madly in love with this guy. I wanted to take things slowly, but within a few days he moved in with me and my parents and basically refused to leave. My parents were going through a divorce at the time and I had just dropped out of uni. Even though things weren't perfect, I was happy to have a friend and went along. Eleven years later, I'm still in the same bed, in the same room, with the same guy. My dad has moved out (obviously), but my mom is still here. I love her, but we have some "issues" and there's constant threats of eviction ("This is my house, not yours. If you don't stop crying, you'll be homeless.")

The first few years of the relationship were okay...ish. Now he just treats me like an old piece of shit, but I just can't get rid of him. I want to get a flat of my own, maybe go back to school and... who knows .Thing is, I live on disability benefits and "have" to spend the majority of my small income on benzos and anti-aging treatments. I feel like I'm too old (I'm 31) and too disabled (autism, ocd, eating disorder, depression etc.) to fend for myself. I don't like getting older anyway. CTB seems so much easier than building a new live. Still, I have some hopes and dreams left. I'd like to believe I'm still young enough to start over, but "red pill" has killed that. I feel like a caged animal.

Any advice?

 

[SinisterKid]

Do not be fooled into thinking that dying by your own hand is "easier" than starting a new life, its not. Take the hardest thing you have ever done in your 31 yrs, multiply it by 10 and you will come close to how difficult CTB actually is.

If you still have some hopes and dreams left, then all is not lost. They are what you can use to build a future if that is really what you want to do. Without them, what else is there?

Not sure where in the UK you are [you use flat and not apartment] but housing of the social kind is in very high demand. Having a roof over your head puts you at the wrong end of a very long line. Telling a Housing Association or a Local Authority that you are about to become homeless is one way of moving up that line. Private landlords are not very keen on taking tenants on benefits because they have to declare the full rent as taxable income. So getting a place of your own will not be easy, but not impossible either. Just be realistic when you start looking at how to achieve that goal.

I am your age x2 ish and although not fully starting again, I have a lot of changes taking place right now. I am trying to be positive about that, glass half full type of thing. I only mention it because if I can do it at my age, you sure as hell can at your age. You just need to be sure its what you want. Your partner sounds very much like he is just hanging on to a roof over his own head, a cheap one at that no doubt. If he is holding you back, kick him into touch. Pack his bags, put them on the doorstep and lock the doors. Any bother, call the police.

You can do this, but it will be hard work, lots of setbacks, but the rewards can be well worth it. You have to make it happen though, thats the hardest part.

 

[snorli]

Thanks so much for your reply. I know how hard CTB is (for me, it's mostly fear of failure and ending up a vegetable), it just feels that way at times. I'm neither in the UK nor the US by the way, my English is mix of British and American . Luckily, I've been on the list for social housing for years and I don't mind living in a "sketchy" neighborhood (or neighbourhood ) so my chances are not all that bad. Just need to find some damn motivation to set things in motion.

 

[SinisterKid]

Please do not get me started on the issue of motivation

But good luck in sorting it all out, hopefully you get to where you want to be before too long.

 

[snorli]

Thanks, thanks so much. It might not be "the right way", but I know Ritalin helps me get things done, maybe I should order some along with the benzos . I feel like my hopes and dreams (going to uni or art school, going to raves and music festivals, having an interesting sex life) are for the really young only and it's too late for me. I don't want to be ageist (hell, my grandmother was my best friend and the coolest person on earth), but it just feels that way to me.

 

[pole]

Thanks, thanks so much. It might not be "the right way", but I know Ritalin helps me get things done, maybe I should order some along with the benzos . I feel like my hopes and dreams (going to uni or art school, going to raves and music festivals, having an interesting sex life) are for the really young only and it's too late for me. I don't want to be ageist (hell, my grandmother was my best friend and the coolest person on earth), but it just feels that way to me.

Definitely not. i see 30 year olds clubbing, enjoying the nightlife, at raves and music festivals all the time!! And i mean school shouldnt just be discounted like that, i see people WAY older than 30 going back to university. how do you know that its too late, that it just isnt for you if you havent even tried yet? honestly id try it before anything. You could definitely do those things!!

 

[snorli]

Definitely not. i see 30 year olds clubbing, enjoying the nightlife, at raves and music festivals all the time!! And i mean school shouldnt just be discounted like that, i see people WAY older than 30 going back to university. how do you know that its too late, that it just isnt for you if you havent even tried yet? honestly id try it before anything. You could definitely do those things!!

I know, but it feels so sad to be part of the older crowd whilst never having been part of the young crowd . I feel like this guy stole my youth.

 

[pole]

I know, but it feels so sad to be part of the older crowd whilst never having been part of the young crowd . I feel like this guy stole my youth.

sorry to hear :(. i feel like that's apart of life and aging. i wish i did more in highschool and stuff.

and you definitely don't deserve to be in an environment with that dude; if you feel such a way and if hes MAKING YOU feel like such a way. Its bullshit and no one deserves to feel like there forced to be with someone. its just ingenuine and it isnt right and you'll continue to sadly waste you're years away if you don't do something. i hope you break it off and perhaps find an environment of you're own in which you can grow and find happiness and peace within yourself, by yourself.

 

[HitchHiker]

It doesn't sound like a very healthy environment for you. First step is to get rid of the bf. Can you get your mom to throw him out maybe?

 

[LonelyLight]

Take space from your boyfriend, maybe look into courses and getting a place etc. But at least try these things before you ctb

 

[Sweet emotion]

I was just thinking about this and then I saw Rachel74's thread about a similar situation. Don't want to hijack her thread though. So, eh, gonna create a thread of my own, my first one on here.

At the age of 20 I fell deeply, madly in love with this guy. I wanted to take things slowly, but within a few days he moved in with me and my parents and basically refused to leave. My parents were going through a divorce at the time and I had just dropped out of uni. Even though things weren't perfect, I was happy to have a friend and went along. Eleven years later, I'm still in the same bed, in the same room, with the same guy. My dad has moved out (obviously), but my mom is still here. I love her, but we have some "issues" and there's constant threats of eviction ("This is my house, not yours. If you don't stop crying, you'll be homeless.")

The first few years of the relationship were okay...ish. Now he just treats me like an old piece of shit, but I just can't get rid of him. I want to get a flat of my own, maybe go back to school and... who knows .Thing is, I live on disability benefits and "have" to spend the majority of my small income on benzos and anti-aging treatments. I feel like I'm too old (I'm 31) and too disabled (autism, ocd, eating disorder, depression etc.) to fend for myself. I don't like getting older anyway. CTB seems so much easier than building a new live. Still, I have some hopes and dreams left. I'd like to believe I'm still young enough to start over, but "red pill" has killed that. I feel like a caged animal.

Any advice?

Hey sweetie. I'm 34. I feel like I'm 20. You're 31, which is what I tell myself I am haha. But you're not too old to start anything! People rebuild their lives at 50&60. You just need to know your self worth and want to do it for yourself. Get rid of this guy that is bringing you down. Every day must seem like ground hogs day to you. The same thing over and over. OCD and depression are no joke. I have both. I'm physically sick though which is why I want to die. But my OCD got so much worse considering all the stress I'm under. And right now I'm lying in bed just wanting to cry. I can't start life over but you can. you have to believe in yourself. If you ever want to PM me feel free.

 

[snorli]

Thanks for all the kind and inspiring replies. I'm hopefully starting therapy soon and you guys give me the courage to give it a serious try.

@Sweet emotion
Thanks for your kind reply. I'm so sorry about your condition. I read about it in your other posts and it sounds absolutely awful. I'm sure you've looked into all kinds of treatments and medications, but maybe there's something out there that helps? Have you looked into virtual reality for pain management? Don't want to give you false hope, just musing here. I wish you all the best .

You are SO right about that groundhog day feeling. I go to sleep hoping things will be better tomorrow. Sometimes I even start the day in a hopeful mood, only to be disappointed over and over again. I can't make any big changes today, but I can practice good self-care and do some meaningful things (socialize a little, learn some more hindi on duolingo, hula hoop, maybe even draw something).

 

[snorli]

Enjoying a good weekend with my boyfriend right now . I feel sorry for having posted such harsh words about him. He has his own demons and unlovely character traits, but he's doing his best to recover. Despite everything, I love him dearly and he loves me back (even more so than I love him, I'm afraid ).

I need to take responsibility for my life and get out of mom's attic, with or without my bf. I just need some breathing space. Therapy is a good start.

 

[Stan]

Enjoying a good weekend with my boyfriend right now . I feel sorry for having posted such harsh words about him. He has his own demons and unlovely character traits, but he's doing his best to recover. Despite everything, I love him dearly and he loves me back (even more so than I love him, I'm afraid ).

I need to take responsibility for my life and get out of mom's attic, with or without my bf. I just need some breathing space. Therapy is a good start.

it's the hardest thing to do, perhaps harder than running around a busy shopping mall at its busiest time whilst naked. But if you believe you love him, and he loves you back, then sit yourselves down and speak truth to each other. It is so easy in a relationship to develop bad habits and keep them going because they are never challenged by either party. Start to know his demons a bit more and share yours. Create a sharing and supportive environment for the two of you, but ensure it is equally balanced. It's a tough conversation, but could reap huge rewards. maybe couples counselling in some shape or form could help?

 

[snorli]

Thanks for your kind reply Stan. We've actually done quite a bit of talking and our relationship is better now than it was a year before. Couples counseling is out of the question at the moment for various reasons. Don't really like the idea of it anyway (trying to keep an open mind though). All I want is to get back to those early years when things weren't so bad (in retrospect, they were pretty great).

Either way, I'm feeling so low right now all I can think about is CTB. Got everything I need except "courage". I'm home alone for the better part of the day and the loneliness is killing me (if only it actually did lol). I don't want to grow old, I'm way older than I ever wanted to be already. I know I should "just" get over it, but I have a hard time accepting the natural order of things.

Missed my therapy intake appointment today because I couldn't force myself out of the house. Did give them a call though, might have a home appointment in a few weeks. I'm skeptical though. I had a great therapist and psychiatrist for four years until they both quit their jobs. The organization I'm in contact with at the moment doesn't have that great of a reputation, but it's my only option and I want to give it a fair chance.

Edit: Your reply and writing down my thoughts made me feel a little bit better. Thanks so much !

 

[Final Escape]

You are not too old to start over. I'll keep it short and sweet. Where there is a will there is a way usually. It might be so scary to get out of your comfort zone and potentially risk losing benefits. You have to make a pros and cons list. Can u keep going the way things are or is it worth taking some risks to attempt to have a life u might be happier with.

Is it possible to improve the relationship with this guy? I know one thing that sucks for us women is that it becomes harder to find a guy after 30 but especially after like 35. You can still find men who will date u but u have to really adjust your expectations because for women the pool of men not only who are interested in us for longterm, but who u are interested in shrinks more dramatically then it does for men. Men's options often improve as they age especially if they make a good living and are decent enough in appearance.

 

[Rachel74]

Take time away if you can. I'm definitely doing that. I will be only 1 mile away so I can see my dogs and still see him.
I try to live by this saying that I heard once a lot only have one chance at this life so grab it with both hands and fight. I fight, I breakdown I fight some more and now I take each day as it comes.

 

[snorli]

You are not too old to start over. I'll keep it short and sweet. Where there is a will there is a way usually. It might be so scary to get out of your comfort zone and potentially risk losing benefits. You have to make a pros and cons list. Can u keep going the way things are or is it worth taking some risks to attempt to have a life u might be happier with.

Is it possible to improve the relationship with this guy? I know one thing that sucks for us women is that it becomes harder to find a guy after 30 but especially after like 35. You can still find men who will date u but u have to really adjust your expectations because for women the pool of men not only who are interested in us for longterm, but who u are interested in shrinks more dramatically then it does for men. Men's options often improve as they age especially if they make a good living and are decent enough in appearance.

Thanks for your kind reply (and all the likes lol ). I still have so much I want to live for; my family (cats included, of course), my boy, making art, language learning, music, dancing, sweet, sweet ganja, the list goes on. I just don't feel all that interested/motivated anymore; damn depression. Still, I won't give in without a fight (a long and hard one ).

That thing about the dating pool sure sucks, even if (like me) you're not all that interested in other men. I'm not sure if it's as bad as those red pill types on the internet would like us women to believe though. I think real life is different, but what the bleep do I know... I've basically lived on the internet for the past 20 years . I know one thing though; some women age like fine, fine wine, while some men turn into vinegar .

 

[Rachel74]

I'd hate to try dating now! To think me and my partner were just meant to be fuck buddies and he thought I was very dirty! Men!
I think if I was single again I'd try my bi side and go for a woman.

 

[snorli]

I'd hate to try dating now! To think me and my partner were just meant to be fuck buddies and he thought I was very dirty! Men!
I think if I was single again I'd try my bi side and go for a woman.

If I end up single, I'd love to explore my bi side too .

 

[Passenger]

He treats you like a piece of shit, yet it's YOUR house?
Bye. Get him out. Asap.
Sounds like he's leeching off you but has forgotten that he's basically the "guest" and you're the "host". The nerve some people have...

If you feel like you have hopes and dreams left, I encourage you to chase them. Slowly, step by step.
But the first step definitely seems to be creating a safe environment for you and so far it seems to be the opposite.

 

[snorli]

He treats you like a piece of shit, yet it's YOUR house?
Bye. Get him out. Asap.
Sounds like he's leeching off you but has forgotten that he's basically the "guest" and you're the "host". The nerve some people have...

If you feel like you have hopes and dreams left, I encourage you to chase them. Slowly, step by step.
But the first step definitely seems to be creating a safe environment for you and so far it seems to be the opposite.

Thanks for your reply and encouragement to chase my dreams . Sadly it's my mom's house, not mine. She threatens to evict me, not him. Guess she knows he'll leave when I do. Sure feels like she dislikes me more than him though. Damn, I want to get out of here and chase my dreams, but I just... can't...yet . Autism, depression, ocd, resistance to change, lack of funds due to benzo addiction, no irl friends . Some days with my boy are pretty good, others are awful.

Love truly is the hardest drug on earth.