toxicjester
Because you know in a moment, it could all..POW!
- Dec 11, 2023
- 160
This is a thread I never wanted to make but it feels like more and more this is what I need to do
I've been with my gf for 6 years, since we were in high school, and I know that it's stupid to expect the first relationship to work but I really wanted it to because I know in my very being that if I break up with her I'll never date anyone again and I'll be alone for the rest of my life.
But she constantly asks to be taken care of, which isn't a problem by itself, but it's the fact that I can't take care of her no matter what I try to do
Whenever she gets upset also she starts insulting me and borderline yelling and when I show discomfort and wince to tell her that I don't like when she does that she says "it's not fair that I have to censor myself when I'm the one upset" and talks about the stigma about how people talk about supporting mentally ill people until they're "not upset in a conventially easy way" or something like that.
It's feels horrible because I promised her so much that I'd change and that I could be better and that we'd move out together and I'd help her get to where she wants in her transition. But I don't know if that's possible now. I used to be able to see our future together. Now all I see is either coming home and her hanging in the room or me drinking SN cups in a place I don't know.
I know I'd be the horrible person for leaving, but I don't know how to show her that I can change, if I can change. This shit should've happened on year 1 of the relationship. And it sucks because she talks about "giving me grace" and saying that if she was a cruel person she wouldn't give me the benefit of the doubt and just broken up with me or not believe anything I say (which is something she already does tbf)
The major problem with breaking up is that we live together in her mom's place. We had "concepts of a plan" (lol) of moving in with a roommate in an apartment. (Mainly just talking about how it would all work, nothing has been signed or anything). So if we break up that's out the window and I have to move back in with my family which is something I've been trying to avoid. She's mentioned that if we break up I wouldn't have to move out but I don't think I could stand to be with her if we did.
Another thing is the fact that our room is so dirty and all our shit is intermingled. I've been trying to pick stuff up but it always gets shitty again because between me working and then her staying home all day not doing anything it gets worse and worse. If we broke up I'd have to have all my shit cleared up which feels like a Herculean effort. Of course I could try to have it all done before I break up but it feels like it'd take weeks and all the while she's talking about how I don't do anything or how I have the emotional intelligence of a rock or some bullshit.
She's also the one that drives me places and we only have my car. If I break up with her she loses her mode of transportation and I lose my way of getting to and from work. Of course if I move back with my family I could ask my mom but she already has to do so much. Of course that doesn't solve the issue of her having no car.
I'm also the one that gives her funds to do the things she wants. In game currency bullshit, food, and most importantly, her HRT. She has no job and has made no strides to find one in the last 3-4 years because she wanted to finish her transition first.
I also don't want her to CTB, which seems selfish considering, but I digress. When I was gone for a couple days last year because I was seeing my sibling off she attempted to CTB. When I got home she told me and I didn't react in a good way and it just made her more upset(if you want more details about this I had made a whole other post about this situation specifically called "My gf attempted to ctb while I was gone" or something like that). But ever since then when we have an argument and I can't take care of her (which happens like twice a week) she talks about how she doesn't know why she keeps "falling for it" and how she shouldn't have "pussied out" or something like that. It terrifies me that if I break up she'll go through with it. I know that if it was the other way around I'd probably really want to and attempt if I had the items I needed.
I just don't know what to do. I don't want to leave. But I don't know how to change myself quickly and in time for all this stuff. I don't want to go back to my family. And then whenever we manage to get out of these situations and she smiles at me it makes me forget all of this stuff and it makes me want to keep working to make it good for her.
I'm the one that keeps falling for it.
I don't know, I need help, advice, comfort, I don't know, ANYTHING. I have no one to talk to about this stuff, no friends, haven't told my family she tried to ctb, obviously can't tell her. I have no one, please help me.
I've been with my gf for 6 years, since we were in high school, and I know that it's stupid to expect the first relationship to work but I really wanted it to because I know in my very being that if I break up with her I'll never date anyone again and I'll be alone for the rest of my life.
But she constantly asks to be taken care of, which isn't a problem by itself, but it's the fact that I can't take care of her no matter what I try to do
Whenever she gets upset also she starts insulting me and borderline yelling and when I show discomfort and wince to tell her that I don't like when she does that she says "it's not fair that I have to censor myself when I'm the one upset" and talks about the stigma about how people talk about supporting mentally ill people until they're "not upset in a conventially easy way" or something like that.
It's feels horrible because I promised her so much that I'd change and that I could be better and that we'd move out together and I'd help her get to where she wants in her transition. But I don't know if that's possible now. I used to be able to see our future together. Now all I see is either coming home and her hanging in the room or me drinking SN cups in a place I don't know.
I know I'd be the horrible person for leaving, but I don't know how to show her that I can change, if I can change. This shit should've happened on year 1 of the relationship. And it sucks because she talks about "giving me grace" and saying that if she was a cruel person she wouldn't give me the benefit of the doubt and just broken up with me or not believe anything I say (which is something she already does tbf)
The major problem with breaking up is that we live together in her mom's place. We had "concepts of a plan" (lol) of moving in with a roommate in an apartment. (Mainly just talking about how it would all work, nothing has been signed or anything). So if we break up that's out the window and I have to move back in with my family which is something I've been trying to avoid. She's mentioned that if we break up I wouldn't have to move out but I don't think I could stand to be with her if we did.
Another thing is the fact that our room is so dirty and all our shit is intermingled. I've been trying to pick stuff up but it always gets shitty again because between me working and then her staying home all day not doing anything it gets worse and worse. If we broke up I'd have to have all my shit cleared up which feels like a Herculean effort. Of course I could try to have it all done before I break up but it feels like it'd take weeks and all the while she's talking about how I don't do anything or how I have the emotional intelligence of a rock or some bullshit.
She's also the one that drives me places and we only have my car. If I break up with her she loses her mode of transportation and I lose my way of getting to and from work. Of course if I move back with my family I could ask my mom but she already has to do so much. Of course that doesn't solve the issue of her having no car.
I'm also the one that gives her funds to do the things she wants. In game currency bullshit, food, and most importantly, her HRT. She has no job and has made no strides to find one in the last 3-4 years because she wanted to finish her transition first.
I also don't want her to CTB, which seems selfish considering, but I digress. When I was gone for a couple days last year because I was seeing my sibling off she attempted to CTB. When I got home she told me and I didn't react in a good way and it just made her more upset(if you want more details about this I had made a whole other post about this situation specifically called "My gf attempted to ctb while I was gone" or something like that). But ever since then when we have an argument and I can't take care of her (which happens like twice a week) she talks about how she doesn't know why she keeps "falling for it" and how she shouldn't have "pussied out" or something like that. It terrifies me that if I break up she'll go through with it. I know that if it was the other way around I'd probably really want to and attempt if I had the items I needed.
I just don't know what to do. I don't want to leave. But I don't know how to change myself quickly and in time for all this stuff. I don't want to go back to my family. And then whenever we manage to get out of these situations and she smiles at me it makes me forget all of this stuff and it makes me want to keep working to make it good for her.
I'm the one that keeps falling for it.
I don't know, I need help, advice, comfort, I don't know, ANYTHING. I have no one to talk to about this stuff, no friends, haven't told my family she tried to ctb, obviously can't tell her. I have no one, please help me.
