Venting should I open up to my psychologist?

[voidreverse1982]

Everyday is the same thing. I just wake up, brush teeth, eat something, go to school or work, return, eat something again, take a bath, then stay in my room all day, then brush my teeth again and go to sleep. Every single day. And on weekends I say in my room all day.

I'm just losing more and more hope everyday, since I was 14 to 15 years old I already started going through passive suicidal ideation, and now I'm 20, and nothing has ever gone better since then, and nothing ever will, everything will only get worse and worse the further into adulthood I dive. I have managed to handle all this suffering and stress for so many years, and act like an average, "happy" person. I actually have many in real life friends around me and I'm commonly known as the "funny guy", and always help out people whenever I can and participates in social events, such as someone's birthday party, whenever I can, and even went as far as being the only student from my class who obtained the social prize. But this is all just my social persona, which is completely different from my true feelings. And I don't know how long I can hold that persona for.

I don't get any more joy, happiness of pleasure from nearly all activities I once enjoyed. And I can't find any new hobbies.

I really long lost the will to live at this point. Sometimes I don't look at neither side of the street while crossing it, thinking "Ah, fuck it, I don't care if a car runs over me, in fact I would be grateful, because I'd likely die, but I'm not going to intentionally jump in front of a car because that would be suicide in the eyes of society, but I'd like to die by accident.". I didn't celebrate my 17th, 18th, 19th nor 20th birthday. I just wanted to die, as my birthday wish is to rest in peace. In fact, my birthday is a horrible day, as it symbolizes the day where I was brought into this miserable world. I shouldn't even exist in the first place. This world is not suitable for someone like me. I tried giving life so many chances, like a fool, only to be met with disappointments, the nature of life; its boringness, repetitiveness, suffering and pain, all pile up to outweigh any potential benefits, joy or happiness it offers. Everytime I glance at a sharp knife I think about sliding my wrist with it, thinking about the blood flowing out of my veins. The pain that me, someone so, so incredibly worthless and devoid of any value, deserves. I'm wasting food, resources, oxygen, space, and so much more.. but my rational thoughts and the consequences of it always stops me from hurting myself. Even though it is something I wish to do, as I know that self harming is the first step towards commiting suicide.

In fact, I think I deserve all this. I deserve living life. I deserve being stuck into this loop of suffering. I'm just a monster who deserves all the pain I'm currently experiencing. And I'm just too weak to endure it.

Recently, because of my apprenticeship, I've been visiting a psychologist once every two weeks. I'm really thinking about opening up about all of my true feelings to her recently, but I'm afraid she may do drastic actions to "ensure my safety", after knowing just how close I am from moving from passive suicidal ideation to active suicidal ideation. But I think I can endure all this for longer while keeping my happy façade. I've endured this for over five years now, so, why would I kill myself only now?

But I want to hear everyone's opinions on whether it is worth it or not to open up about all my true feelings to my psychologist.

 

[taq]

You deserve nothing for being alive. No happiness, nor pain, nor joy nor suffering.
To deserve is to reap what you sow, to get a return on what you have done. The elaborate concepts of joy or suffering are not the consequence of one action but the sum of many, yet none of which, represent you being born or being alive.
What you are describing is long term depression which you should open up about with your psychologist.
If you are in fear of losing control over the situation, consider approaching this gradually. Talking about being unsure on how you feel, mentioning numbness and a lack of self-drive.
Evaluate the frame in which you are talking to her by directly addressing your fear of "drastic action being taken against your will". She will most likely give you an idea on which things she might have to act upon.

 

[SVEN]

Just remember that she works for someone else, she's not your friend. Accordingly, she has her own professional standards to observe and will act accordingly. Just because she is sufficiently adept at her profession to create an illusion of emotional safety and encourage you to let your guard down does not mean that she won't genuinely believe that she knows best what you need and take what she regards as appropriate action.
Be cautious.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

I think a lot of people tend to forget that their psychologists and psychiatrists are not their friends....They're just the system's hand, ready to grab you against your will and put you into a psych ward at any moment.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

If you want the most benefit then you should tell her. You don't have to say anything about being on the verge of suicide or something that would trigger the worst response you don't want.

 

[Overwhelmed52]

Maybe start with the things you know you can tell her, like you have no enjoyment out of things anymore, and see how she reacts. If you tell her you want to hurt yourself she may have a legal obligation to do something (that may depend on where you're located).
Your depression alone should qualify you for cognitive-behavioral therapy, and hopefully she'll offer to see you more than once every two weeks. I was recently put on an antidepressant without talk therapy and I ended up reaching out to a relative/friend I hadn't talked to in a long time because I needed to talk to someone. The antidepressant causes anxiety as a side effect, which is just awful for me, and being able to talk to someone has been important. You can also keep writing here. Most of the people on these boards know exactly what you're going through.
I also don't find enjoyment in a lot of things. I'll sign myself up for something that I -have- to do versus I might enjoy doing. It's at least a distraction and gives me some sense of accomplishment afterwards.

 

[Electra]

It's really difficult to open up to someone whom you don't know. And it's even more difficult to believe that they understand and/or have empathy for you. They are trained to help you understand why you're feeling a certain way and supposedly give you advice on how to overcome it. The work still has to be done by you. Personally, I don't know whether therapy works. But you can always try opening up in tiny segments and see how you feel about it afterwards.