Should I try to better my life if i just plan to ctb?

[Rustysoupcan]

Im currently a NEET, and I'm thinking of getting a job and going back to school. But, I also planned to ctb in January. So even if I got a job right away in December, I'd be there for a whole 3-4 weeks before I either die or take time off to be hospitalized. And school doesn't start til the end of January, so I'd hopefully die before then. I kind of see bettering my life as a "plan b". Like if my attempt fails I might as well go back to school.

The two things that make me not want to apply for jobs or school is 1. I don't have much money to waste on school and 2. Its embarrassing to have to be hospitalized, especially with my type of work. So I don't want to be the new crazy girl at work.

I wish the holidays didn't exist because that's the only reason im waiting til January. I don't want to ruin Christmas for my family.

 

[4eyebiped]

While I am sure you are devoted to your exit plan, the future is still unwritten. Since you are considering it, the interest must be there. Get that job and try out school, if some part of you wants to. What do you have to lose after all? If something changes for the better, great you can change your exit plans. If not, then you can continue as planned, if you so desire.

If you do end up the new "crazy" girl at work, then most likely that means you are the most interesting girl at work. The rest are just boring robots adhering to a false sense of normality. Happy future holidays and best wishes in school and the new job!

 

[JinZhin]

I think you should try it in the end. If you were planning to ctb anyways, you can always do it if you don't feel like trying anymore once you've tried working/going back to school. Maybe you start feeling better in the end, who knows.
I wouldn't worry about the impression you'd leave on people at work, because it doesn't really matter and nobody knows you, you are the only person who knows you yourself.
I wish you the best at the new job and in school!

 

[Arrow]

even if you plan to ctb i think you should take the steps you're able to to reasonably improve your life. its better than going out with everything being really bad i guess.

 

[Deadweight]

I think you should try every option, use every bit of will you have left. This is your life, and if nobody is going to save you, then I think you owe it to yourself to fight for your right to live with whatever is left available to you. I'm only saying this because you sound like you've got a few options left (regardless of the negativesand concerns), and that you're considering them kind of tells me maybe there's still a little bit of hope there.

My advice would be to go after it, but slowly. Put the concerns over if you're going to be the crazy person or if you're going to cope out of your mind, that's for the future. If you're going to study, then just focus on how you're going to manage your illness around studies, and if you get through, then focus on how you can manage your illness in the workplace. Step by step.

And if you did your best and still it all falls apart, at that time you can decide if you've got another attempt in you, or if it's time to call it.

 

[WrongPlaceWrongTime]

It can't hurt much to give yourself another shot. I don't think you have anything to lose by trying to better yourself, especially if you already have a ctb backup plan.