Venting Shutting yourself down trought drugs

[orias.rlz]

My way of coping right now is taken drugs every now and then to shut my inner dialog and feelings down. Its like being on hollyday for a few hours. Its a very toxic way of coping with unbearable emotions and SItuation

Right now im on (legal in germany) benzos (rilmazolam) an alcohol, if I had Ritalin or Vyvanse I would take it also in the mix but I'm to fucked up to go to my psychiatrist. Maybe I'll do it in my off drugs days.

Im almost not caring about ignoring the people I once loved that still after years of this shit trying to help me an be there for me. I can't comprehend why they would invest there time in a lost cause.

I ordered sn and it should be no problem to get the another recomended meds to go through with the procedure.
Tomorrow I will vegetate on odsmt(legal opioid in germany)as high dosed as possible (without any real health dangers).

This will be my life till I finally ctb and I'm quite enjoying it. Even though I now I have to be careful To not get to dependent on any of this to be still able to go through with it till everything arrives and is available to me ctb.

Sorry if its not very well written, but I can't see straight right now because of the combinqtion.of drugs and the I te site of the dosages

 

[Merge]

May I ask why you want to ctb? It seems like you have people who love you unconditionally. I understand that it sometimes doesn't matter how many people care about you. But it seems like they really love you if they try to help for so many years. I think I'm in a similar place as you and don't know how to deal with that.

 

[orias.rlz]

Yeah sure. First of all I dont know either how to cope with having people that love an need me in my life.. but I know enough is enough. I can't handle life

So I have a few chronic illnesses,mentally and physically, that make my life a living hell most of the time.
Menatlly: borderline, pretty extreme social anxiety, addictive personality, dysthymia,trauma(childhood) grieving disorder( my longest and best friend died during covid)
Physically:chronic inflammation, all kind of food allergies and allergies in general, a metabolism disorder that causes all kind of day to day problems like brain fog, chronic fatigue, hair loss, chronic skin rashes. And a few other conditions and in my life that are an every day struggle but take to much effort to explain

For the last 10 years tried to treat this with all my energie (wich isnt much), but I really gave it my all. I went to Therapie,earned a bit of money, built a few meaningful relationships after isolating myself for a few years, went traveling, found a loving girlfriend. I went to every doctor there is, but no one really cared and the ones that did had no idea how to help. I found a few things that help through the internet and trial and error But it doesn't matter how much I do and how 'far' i come, how much help im getting, live in It self(for me) is still suffering every day.

Its gonna be really hard to get over si because of my parents and my (ex)girlfriend who i have gone no contact with over the past months. I know its gonna destroy them. But I really can't take it anymore. I'm burnt out and have no hope that my live will be worth living again

 

[Leiot]

I don't know about health care in Germany; can you see someone about mental health? Or even better whole health (what we call it in the US). They look at nutrition (anti-inflammatory diets, etc), exercise, counseling & meds, pain management - the works. I can get a social worker to help with finding a place to live (if I needed it), getting a job, all sorts of help.