Sick thoughts

[karamazov]

hi. i'm a 20-year old girl and i suffer from severe bpd and depression. i've been psychologically, physically and mentally abused by my mother since i was very little and i watched my parents' marriage getting destroyed along with my father's life.
all the trauma led me to self-harm and feeling suicidal. the first time i tried to kill myself, i was eleven.
now... i don't know whether this is common or not, but i really have the need to talk to someone about how much i want to hurt myself, or the ways i'm projecting my death. i'm not actually looking for a suicide partner (if i was, i would have posted it in the specific thread): i'm looking for someone who is willing to share with me his/her darkest parts (for example: sometimes i hate myself so much i walk the streets alone wishing someone would come and beat me to death. or, sometimes all i can think about is swallowing clorox and suffer from horrible stomach ache. and, in general, i want to die and i cut my wrists regularly hoping i will go deep enough). i hope i explained it clear... i think that sharing the sick shit that goes through our heads and feeling like we're not alone can possibly help us getting through the day.
so, if you find yourself having very bad thoughts and have no one to tell without coming off as creepy, please send me a message and we can share what we aren't allowed to share with "normal people". thank you.

 

[Mecha Man]

I think pretty much everyone on this site is sick. If we weren't we wouldn't all have a death wish.

In the past I've thought the exact same thing about walking in the city at night and hoping that someone would like mug and kill me. I've also cut myself a couple times. My first, and only suicide attempt to date, I cut a bunch of huge gashes in my arms and took a bunch of anti psychotic pills hoping that I would just fall asleep and bleed to death (the result was much more painful and unpleasant than I had hoped for.) the ER people came to the rescue because I made some calls to say goodbye, and in my weakened mental state, my brother managed to convince me to tell him where I was so that he could "come and take care of me."

I've actually done quite a bit of brainstorming on different ways of killing myself. I've thought of finding some very high location to jump from, and outright stabbing myself in the throat and cutting my wrists right before jumping. I've thought about going out into the lake in the middle of the night in a big floater, with some heavy clothes or something to make sure I would sink without it, and drinking myself incredibly drink, then when I felt like I was really tired, cutting, destroying my floater and sinking and drowning (I eventually ruled this out completely, because drowning is supposed to be one of the most painful ways to die). I've even thought of drinking bleach (courtesy of the movie "Heathers") but I'm not sure if that would even work.

The ideal method for me would be to just take a shotgun and blow my head off. But because of my previous suicide attempt I don't think I'll ever be able to buy a gun anymore.

So yeah, those are the most fully fleshed out methods I've thought of that come to mind. If I lived alone, I've also thought I could just turn on the gas, take an assload of valium, get stone cold drunk and hopefully pass out and die peacefully. I don't live alone though. And I haven't been thinking of methods lately. But there you have it.

I have a bunch of mental disorders and I'm pretty much miserable every day and wish that I would just die or that someone would kill me. I suffer from depression and anxiety, have OCD, ADHD, and High Functioning Autism (just learned about that last one pretty recently). Unlike you, I'm a 32 year old guy with an extremely loving set of parents, a brother, and a sister, and my parents in particular are constantly nagging me about how "things will get better eventually, don't worry." But I've been seeing a psychiatrist regularly for over a year and things just seem to get worse.

I hate my life, I hate being alive, I feel like I'm in hell, and I feel like all I can do is sit here and wait for this pain to end.

 

[Smilla]

As long as you are respectful of other members you can post pretty much anything here (read the rules first).

Also: I made some pretty cool friends online by private messaging people whose posts I identified with. So I'd recommend reading a lot of posts and messaging those folks whom you think you have things in common with. Be warned that you might receive no response but don't take it personally, or at least try not to. Not everyone wants to communicate offline.

Best of luck to you

 

[Life sucks]

I don't think its "sick", the way this "sick" world and life works and how we should accept it and if we don't, they consider us "sick", thats what "sick" means

 

[Mecha Man]

I don't think its "sick", the way this "sick" world and life works and how we should accept it and if we don't, they consider us "sick", thats what "sick" means

Well that's certainly one way of looking at it. I don't think the ideas in and of themselves are sick. But I certainly do believe that I'm sick, mentally and emotionally

 

[Life sucks]

Well that's certainly one way of looking at it. I don't think the ideas in and of themselves are sick. But I certainly do believe I that I'm sick, mentally and emotionally

Who made you "sick"? The origin of sickness which is a bigger thing like life or system or one of its details. Don't blame yourself but the reason

 

[Mecha Man]

Who made you "sick"? The origin of sickness which is a bigger thing like life or system or one of its details. Don't blame yourself but the reason

I know this isn't a very good answer, but I've been miserable for so long I don't even remember why anymore. I can tell you that it's not "who," it's "what." I have a sick mind. I've always had trouble dealing with ideas. In the past, when I had trouble with depression but was still happier, I often obsessed over philosophical, ethical, political conflicts in my mind. I was always bothered by things because I felt like I had to have the answer to everything. And I was, and still am, super sensitive. It's really easy to hurt my feelings. So... yeah. I guess I'm just frail and weak and deeply disturbed.