damienlerone03
reject humanity, return to monke
- May 5, 2024
- 1,248
Like the title says, I Am Leaving Damien Lerone Behind.
It's a long read, but I promise you if you stick with me, I can make you cry at the end (hopefully).
Maybe you've heard of me, maybe you haven't. I hope you have at least, but that's okay if you haven't. I've probably looked at your profile and posts you've made even if you haven't looked at mine. If you have heard of me… cough cough sup, DJ damien back on the FUCKING track. still nonchalant n allat.
Damien Lerone, signing off.
Sincerely, I love you.
It's a long read, but I promise you if you stick with me, I can make you cry at the end (hopefully).
Maybe you've heard of me, maybe you haven't. I hope you have at least, but that's okay if you haven't. I've probably looked at your profile and posts you've made even if you haven't looked at mine. If you have heard of me… cough cough sup, DJ damien back on the FUCKING track. still nonchalant n allat.
Anyways, to those of you wondering where exactly I've gone, I owe you some peace. Sorry for scaring you with my silence. I didn't ever mean to vanish without explanation. The truth is, I've been living through one of the darker times of my life. Possibly the darkest. As if I have stood at the edge of something big here, the first and biggest cliff i'd say. And whether I roll down or climb my way out, what's next decides it all.
I have read your messages. Here. On Discord. Everywhere. I never ignored you in anger. I read them. I saw them. But each message I attempted to answer crumbled my hands on the keyboard. My head has not been in the right place. I have not been me. And this place does not feel the same anymore. It used to be my safe place. Not anymore. It's more of a mask thats failing to stay up.
I have read your messages. Here. On Discord. Everywhere. I never ignored you in anger. I read them. I saw them. But each message I attempted to answer crumbled my hands on the keyboard. My head has not been in the right place. I have not been me. And this place does not feel the same anymore. It used to be my safe place. Not anymore. It's more of a mask thats failing to stay up.
This name, Damien Lerone, as you may or may not know isn't really me. Not my real name. He started as a shield. Just a fake name to keep me safe. But the more I lived through him, the more he became real. He was bolder, funnier, kinder than I ever thought I could be. He carried me when I couldn't carry myself. I don't think he was fake honestly. I think he was me, at my best, when I didn't know how to be that person in real life.
There's something I've always done, something that's both kept me alive and kept me alone for so so long. I carry my burdens in silence. I never tell the full story. I bury it deep deep down. Avoidance has been my best friend. And here, I found my escape. The freedom of being anyone except the man whose real life was chaos. Here, I could fake it. Here, I could be a person I was proud of. Here, I could be loved. But the instant I spoke my entire truth, the facade crumbled, and I became him again. And I hated him. I hated him so much I feel like i could tear my skin off because I hate it all. I hold a deep hatred for a lot of things and a lot of people, which might surprise some people because I've been told I'm a kind person.
There's something I've always done, something that's both kept me alive and kept me alone for so so long. I carry my burdens in silence. I never tell the full story. I bury it deep deep down. Avoidance has been my best friend. And here, I found my escape. The freedom of being anyone except the man whose real life was chaos. Here, I could fake it. Here, I could be a person I was proud of. Here, I could be loved. But the instant I spoke my entire truth, the facade crumbled, and I became him again. And I hated him. I hated him so much I feel like i could tear my skin off because I hate it all. I hold a deep hatred for a lot of things and a lot of people, which might surprise some people because I've been told I'm a kind person.
At times, I think of how it used to be here. This place wasn't just a site I could talk to people in. It felt like a fucking home to me. The nights i spent staying up doing college work and talking on here. Laughing until I was crying at some dumb meme. The inside humor jokes. The unexpected check ins. The small stuff that meant the whole world. It's strange to think that within a place built on so much pain, I felt warmth. Real connections. Real friends. Real love. What makes leaving harder than I expected is the acknowledgment that I'll never forget those moments, regardless of how I do. Those memories don't die with Damien. They stay with me.
These next few days… they weigh more than anything I've ever held. As if the earth is cracking beneath my feet. I don't know how things will unfold. Maybe I'll return sometime, maybe I'll disappear forever. Maybe you'll cut ties with me. Maybe I'll cut ties with myself. I have no answers. Only the guilt and weight that i hold as i write this on this stupid google doc that ill just copy paste onto the site.
These next few days… they weigh more than anything I've ever held. As if the earth is cracking beneath my feet. I don't know how things will unfold. Maybe I'll return sometime, maybe I'll disappear forever. Maybe you'll cut ties with me. Maybe I'll cut ties with myself. I have no answers. Only the guilt and weight that i hold as i write this on this stupid google doc that ill just copy paste onto the site.
One thing I need to make clear. This isn't a death note. I'm not dying. But the name, the mask, the persona or whatever the fuck you called Damien Lerone is. I'm abandoning him now, because he cant follow me where I need to go anymore. He served his purpose. He carried me so far. Now I have to make myself a different person. I have to make myself me again. And I have to learn to love that. I have to learn to love myself. And to you, who is reading this… I want you to learn to love yourself too. Each and every single one of you I hold deep in my hearts. And im not talking for the shits and giggles here, im fucking serious. I love you all. Way more than I can express.
I've watched so many cycles come and go. A group of friends forms, we laugh, we cry, we stay up way too late. And then, one by one, they fade, recover, or die. Then a new cycle begins. Each time, I get attached. Each time, I grieve. Each time, a little piece of me dies with them. I can't do another cycle. I don't have another one in me. That's how I know it's time to leave. Forgive me. I haven't had it in me since the Summer of 2024. But I wanted to keep going. I wanted to stay by your side. Each of you.
I've always felt like a fraud here. I told myself I wasn't suicidal enough, not broken enough, not scarred enough to belong here. I always compared my wounds to others on here and found mine shallow. But I've learned something important over the time i've spent on here. Kindness doesn't need to be justified. The love I gave wasn't fake. The laughs I shared weren't fake. The moments i've made and will forever cherish even as i walk my own path now weren't fake. Maybe Damien Lerone wasn't here to die. Maybe he was here to love. You've all shown me what happiness was and I hold it forever for you.
I've watched so many cycles come and go. A group of friends forms, we laugh, we cry, we stay up way too late. And then, one by one, they fade, recover, or die. Then a new cycle begins. Each time, I get attached. Each time, I grieve. Each time, a little piece of me dies with them. I can't do another cycle. I don't have another one in me. That's how I know it's time to leave. Forgive me. I haven't had it in me since the Summer of 2024. But I wanted to keep going. I wanted to stay by your side. Each of you.
I've always felt like a fraud here. I told myself I wasn't suicidal enough, not broken enough, not scarred enough to belong here. I always compared my wounds to others on here and found mine shallow. But I've learned something important over the time i've spent on here. Kindness doesn't need to be justified. The love I gave wasn't fake. The laughs I shared weren't fake. The moments i've made and will forever cherish even as i walk my own path now weren't fake. Maybe Damien Lerone wasn't here to die. Maybe he was here to love. You've all shown me what happiness was and I hold it forever for you.
Phew, lets take a breather. That was a lot. I dont know about you, but im gonna take a couple deep breaths for a second.
To those who cared, whether you called, messaged, or just thought of me by the way, thank you. Thank you so much. You really don't know how much that means to me. Even if I didn't pick up, I saw it. I'm taking it with me. The thoughtfulness you have will live beyond this mask I'm shedding. Speaking of shedding, this has taken me hours to write because I keep shedding tears as I write this. I need to take constant breaks. I've been switching from phone to computer to tablet, as we speak I am crying and writing whilst sitting on the toilet taking a dookie. Such a romantic spot. Tearful goodbyes aren't my style. Im too nonchalant for that.
I don't know exactly where I'm going, but I know it has to be forwards. I know I need to find out who I am without this mask, who I am without Damien. Fuck, maybe that means screwing up, maybe that means starting over, maybe that means finding something worth building. But Damien can't follow me into that future. He was never meant to. I don't know exactly who I'll become, but I'm ready to find out, and I hope to make him someone I can finally be proud of. Maybe then, Damien Lerone will be clapping on the sidelines. I carry the best of Damien forward, but I step into the world as me now.
Through all of this, I've learned who I am when no one is watching, I've learned what its like to fall down and get back up again, I've learned to be kind to others when that may seem foreign to you, I've learned to be kind to myself and even if I don't believe it now, I want to see what others see in me when they speak of me so kindly like im someone who they dont want to let go and want to keep in their life. Someone they want to cherish as their anchor. Someone they want to thank for being there for them. Someone who loves them more than they love themselves. I truly want to carry all of this forward into the next chapter of my life. God i hope that makes sense else I'll look like the biggest fucking idiot anyones ever known.
Through all of this, I've learned who I am when no one is watching, I've learned what its like to fall down and get back up again, I've learned to be kind to others when that may seem foreign to you, I've learned to be kind to myself and even if I don't believe it now, I want to see what others see in me when they speak of me so kindly like im someone who they dont want to let go and want to keep in their life. Someone they want to cherish as their anchor. Someone they want to thank for being there for them. Someone who loves them more than they love themselves. I truly want to carry all of this forward into the next chapter of my life. God i hope that makes sense else I'll look like the biggest fucking idiot anyones ever known.
If my words ever did get to you and you would like to talk or reach out, even just to share a memory, say something to me, or if you just wanted to say hi, my discord is always in my profile's about tab. I'd be glad to hear from you. I may not respond immediately though, sorry about that.
Listen to me, I love you all. Live long, lovely lives. I truly believe that you can become a person who is proud to be you. Stop comparing your pain to anyone else's. Your pain is real because it's yours. Don't tell yourself you don't deserve help, or love, or a second chance. You do. I wasted too much time thinking I had to earn the right to hurt. Please don't do the same. Be gentler with yourself. The world already isn't. Please don't give up. Please try one more day. I don't care if you hate yourself or if you think you're pathetic. I love you I love you I love you. I just pray you can see what I see in all of you one day. Don't wait until the edge of the cliff to figure out who you'll be.
Thank you for being part of my story. Now I hope to be part of yours in whatever way we meet again.
Thank you for being part of my story. Now I hope to be part of yours in whatever way we meet again.
Damien Lerone, signing off.
Sincerely, I love you.
Now this lil ass hug emoji ain't enough for you, so hold on to your pants, because here comes the motherlode:
