Venting so much regret

[iloveyouihateyou]

lately i've been reflecting on my situation and all the events that unfold in my life and i can't help but look back at all the poor decisions i've made and think of how stupid i am and was to have gone through with certain actions. when i look back in hindsight and realize how foolish i was i feel so much hatred towards myself and regret for unknowingly sabotaging myself. i try to be kind to myself and realize that i was only doing what i felt was right at that moment in time and that there's no way i could've known the "right" answer but i don't know.. to be more specific i usually reminisce on old friendships or relationships and think of how i somehow throw away connections that were so good for me when i look back. i think of how much happier i was and how i could've kept it had i not acted like such a dumbass and the more i think of it the more it eats me up inside. my mood has been so stagnant i've just been feeling like i'm falling apart, sleeping away majority of the day cause being awake feels so meaningless, like it feels like a waste of time when i could just be sleeping instead. at the same time though all this sleeping makes me miss opportunities to speak to people or fix things with people or myself but i don't know i'm so tired of how i'm feeling like so so tired.. i'm so tired of waking up everyday, like i feel like i'm just on autopilot reacting to stimuli around me and following my instinctual routine, it feels like i revert into some mindless drone when things get too rough and i don't know i feel like my mind just isn't on alot of the time cause if i'm thinking i'm probably sad as fuck shortly after so i shut my brain off and "do" just to seem like i'm functioning to other people around me.

i feel the worst when i hurt others, i don't know i don't want to be too specific but recently i screwed up big time with someone i really cared about, someone that really cared about me and since screwing up i've realized how badly i did, and i feel stupid for not realizing or acting properly but what makes it all worse is that, understandably this person feels so hurt by me that nothing is the same anymore. like i've basically ruined everything and as i look back on the timeline of events i realized that i actually met someone who actually did care about me but i've ruined that connection, and speaking to them now i always try to apologize but no amount of sorry or anything can bring back what we had atleast not right now. and i'm not mad at them for being sad from me, i know what i did was so wrong but i can't help but feel so remorseful and stupid for what i did.. like i'm literally just experiencing the consequences of my actions which i deserve but it actually hurts so much because i didn't mean to fuck everything up, and they even said that it wasn't all my fault but still so much of it was mine and i know it for sure after analyzing the situation but oh god what does it even matter what i think or thought at the time.. i just wish i could go back in time and not be a complete idiot, i can't even believe who i was as little as a month ago i just can't believe myself, like why does the wrong decision feel right to me, why do i ruin everything for myself.. it's so terrible when you hurt someone you love cause they can be right in front of you, and you might want to hold them but because of what you did they don't want you near them and that feeling is such a sobering experience. experiencing that the things you do actually have consequences sounds like such a "spoiled" thought but it really does hurt so much, i know i deserve to feel this shit but it really hurts so much and i don't know what to do. if i deserve this then i accept it but it still hurts so much..

i'm really trying to mend everything but i feel like things have come to a point, like a point of no return almost where i've screwed up so much with so many people at so many times that apologizing can't undo all the harm i've done and all i can do is laugh and cry at how poorly i've navigated my life. i try to wonder what the fuck i was thinking but all i can think is that at the time it felt right to me. it's not enough i just wish i could start over. i really wish there was some sort of reset button or some memory wiping device to clear all my wrongdoings so i can try again but it just doesn't work like that. i feel so ashamed of myself and i feel so conflicted with sharing this with anyone because for one i know the things i've done are wrong and this is what i deserve but at the same time it hurts so much like how can i make peace with myself when i've hurt someone that made me happy? how can i ever forgive myself for hurting them and then hurting myself by being a selfish thoughtless drone.. i have no clue man i feel like i sound like such a crazy fuckhead i don't even want to justify anything i've done i just wish i thought things through more but at the same time, i was only doing what i thought was the right decision so i don'y even know what to say more about myself when i think of it like that. like i wonder if there is something fundamentally wrong with me, and honestly there probably likely is. i don't even know anymore genuinely i just regret everything everything i've ever done since i was born. if i wasn't so stupid at my core or whatever maybe my life would've been different :') thinking of some alternate timeline of myself destroys me inside, i think of what things could've been like had i just done the opposite of everything i've ever done and i feel like i want to bash my head into my desk cause i'm genuinely so fucking stupid.. i'm so tired of ruining everything i wish i was just outgoing and likable like everyone else i see with all their friends and successful lives. i feel like such a psycho when someone tells me their life is actually good ... like wow people can really be happy? and relaxed normally? while looking forward to life? people really live like and i'm just so shocked to remember that. is that still attainable for me, was it ever to begin with? it probably was but at this point i'm struggling to believe that i can still turn things around. i wish i could tell everyone i hurt how sorry i am and how much i regret what i did, i wish i could start over with so many aspects of my life it's really so heartbreaking that it doesn't work like that ..

life right now feels like i just fell down a massive flight of stairs, like i didn't mean to fall down but now i can't stop rolling.. every step down hurts more and more and even if i want it to stop i can't manage to grab a hold of anything so i just have to suffer until i hit the bottom- yeah idek i thought of this randomly and now i'm gonna shut up and drink and be sad. just another day in the life aha..


i'm not sure if anything i said makes sense but these are all my real thoughts unfortunately... if you read this all the way through, thank you and i really hope you have a nice day today!

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

I feel the same way. I had everything going for me when I started college. Everything but wisdom. I threw away precious opportunities and made a real ass of myself. Suicide first occured to me almost 14 years ago and the years since have not been worthwhile.