so naive of me to think i could escape this

[radiohead]

i see a way out for myself. out of this. to get financially secure, to build relationships and such. every single fucking night i'm in bed running all possible scenarios of attempting and/or failing a ""ctb"" attempt despite my new conviction to the contrary. to continuing to live for the sake of helping others do the same. but i can't i , just every single fucking second i run through what's in my room and what i can do to move past this. i listen to good music which i love and think about how much i would love to go out to it. if i get a choice, that is. and that choice pounds against my brain PLEADING for me to give it the time of day. this place is a fucking echo chamber but it's the only idea i have for letting this shit out without severing another connection to the one person i love. can't keep venting all of this out to him every time i drink, it isn't at all sustainable. i'm not going to die soon either way that's a fucking insane ask. (asking of myself) . as for the way out, i CAAAAAAAAANT work i cannot fucking work i can't force myself through the benefits shit either because of the adults in my life (more adult than me at 21, but i haven't had an original thought since i was sixteen) ughhhhhhhhhhhh "fucking scrounging benefits leeches" i seriously think about suicide when i have to make a piece of toast to keep myself alive lately and i don't even understand myself enough to know why. a job would topple the cards ten times over, i don't have it in me.
sorry for post i m never killing myself i love being alive i live to help people and i pray to God that i one day save someone from this shit it's all i ask
for clarity i'm not religious these are just phrases ive picked up thru my funny little life