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hanginglights.

hanginglights.

Member
Mar 19, 2024
13
Hello, I'm new to this website, sorta. I have had an account for awhile and I've known of the site for a long time now, but this is the first time I have decided to use it because it seems like this would be a really good website for me to talk to people on, and relate to people with, vent, get things out, and so on. Please tell me if I use any acronyms wrong.

So let me give you a little backstory. I was raised in a Jehovah's Witness household, and I was taken in by a member of my family because the original parents I had were very addicted to hard substances, causing me to be born addicted to them. I had Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome (NAS) as a baby, essentially meaning I went through severe withdrawals as an infant. I had to stay in the NICU for about 9 months, and the substance abuse on me caused a lot of brain trauma and chemical imbalance. I have learning disorders, severe ADHD, OCD, Generalized Anxiety, Depression, and I personally thing I have more suspected mental issues. Then I was taken in by the parents I have now after being in the NICU.

Jehovahs Witnesses if you aren't familiar are a religious organization who believes Jehovah is the creator of the world, God's name being Jehovah. They believe in a theocratic rule of God, they believe in Armageddon (basically just meaning the world ending and a paradise coming), they do not celebrate any sort of holidays, and they do not believe in the trinity, and much other things. Jehovah's witnesses are extremely strict people, they do not allow people to befriend others outside of the religion, you have to do specific things in order to "properly worship God". They have to "strip off the old personality and put on the new" which just means you have to become like other JWs to fully serve their God. They do not like horror, rap, any sort of substances, heavy drinking, they believe in men holding authority, they do not believe in homosexuality. They believe that non JWs (Jehovahs Witnesses) are "worldly people" and they believe that Satan controls this world.

Growing up I was never physically abused. But I wanna say I was mentally, psychologically and / or emotionally abused. I have always been forced to believe in the Jehovahs Witnesses religion, and during age 12 - 13 I decided I didn't want to be one anymore. But I have never told anyone, because if I had then I would have been in a lot of trouble, and possibly shunned. There have been times where my family would find out, but after that I would just pretend to be a JW again and they did not find out again for a long time.


I have never been to public school except for once, I was homeschooled from 1-9th grade, then in the middle of my semester in ninth, I finally convinced them to let me go public. But I have ALWAYS been VERY naive and a people pleaser, so I have always wanted to make people happy and never really saw the bad in things. In public school, I sent inappropriate pictures to boys who asked, I had boyfriends and girlfriends, I did a lot of really looked down upon things in my family's religious beliefs. They never found out until about a year in school. I snuck out one night to see somebody, and I came home around 6 am, and they found out. They had went through my phone and found out I had been smoking, having relations with people, in an old polyamorous relationship, and more things I can't name off the top of my head. I got grounded for 4 months, and taken out of public school, and was homeschooled that point forward. When I look back on those times, I do think a lot of the things I did was definitely not smart, but I can't really blame myself. I had NO freedom and didn't know what else to really do, sure I did a lot of morally wrong things but every teenager does that at some point in their life. I was no different from other teens.

But I have always felt with feelings of severe loneliness, which I think being raised as a severely isolated JW has a LOT to do with it. But it has gotten INCREDIBLY worse since being in homeschool. I used to be very good at making friends, I was really really extroverted, I talked to everyone I could. But now I just can't make myself do those things. Yeah, I am a little extroverted still but not nearly as much. The only social in real life interaction I get where I see people is at church, even then I feel as if I have no friends. For example, I tried to befriend 2 JW girls to try to at least make the best out of my situation, although I do not get along with JWs my age at all. We don't fight, just they never talk to me. I texted them and it went good at first, but then they both stopped replying to my texts after about a week. They have not once even texted me first, and it hurts really bad. When I DO text, they both are just really dry or leave me on read.

I do have discord, where I only talk to my GF, and a couple friends. I don't even really talk to my friends online. I hate making friends now because ever since the loneliness got worse, I have forgotten how to talk to people. When my friends text me, I always end up just leaving them on read and never responding. I don't WANT to do it, I just can't get myself to text anyone back. When I do go out of my way to make a friend, I do the same thing. I always end up ghosting them. The only person I genuinely talk to is my GF. We can't even see eachother irl, despite living 5 minutes away from eachother. (we had met at school when I was there)

I have felt this way for MONTHS now and it only seems to be getting worse. Yeah, I do have days better than others, but I mainly just feel so incredibly helpless and alone. I am trying to stay alive for my GF, but I'm scared of messing up. I've had a diphenhydramine problem on and off, the same with self injury. It makes the loneliness go away for even a little bit, which makes me feel so much better. It has been so hard because I get my energy from other people. So I constantly feel so out of energy and depressed. I just feel so alone constantly, and I don't know what I should do.

It's so hard to even meet people. I have been known to be loud and obnoxious to others. I have severe ADHD and can't help the way I act sometimes, I'm described as incredibly hyper and talkative, and I attract a lot of bad people online, so I either am just hit on because I'm a girl, or I meet people who just bully me for being who I am. I just wish I could at LEAST meet someone who is alike me. It hurts so bad when I meet someone online I really like and they tell me they can't handle me because of my personality. It has caused me to be so insecure about myself. I just feel so alone. I'm sorry for the long text, I just really need somebody to talk to.
 
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Overwhelmed52

Student
Dec 3, 2024
148
I'm sort of the same. Different kind of upbringing, but I have my weirdisms and hang-ups, and just generally was not born with the popular gene. I've not had a friend group since the 7th grade. I've had a few friends here and there over my life, but never anyone that I was important to, and a lot of times the popular/dominant person of a group will exclude me and turn others in the group against me. I am naturally introverted but have joined various clubs and made efforts of the years to make friends and have a social circle but it never works. Right now, I really only have one person in my life and it is a relative who lives far away. I guess I would say not to ghost people and to text them if you can. I've known some people who've had luck getting to know people through sports teams or exercise classes, since they meet regularly and they're doing something other than socializing. I'm not too athletic, but maybe you could try that?
 
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hanginglights.

hanginglights.

Member
Mar 19, 2024
13
I'm sort of the same. Different kind of upbringing, but I have my weirdisms and hang-ups, and just generally was not born with the popular gene. I've not had a friend group since the 7th grade. I've had a few friends here and there over my life, but never anyone that I was important to, and a lot of times the popular/dominant person of a group will exclude me and turn others in the group against me. I am naturally introverted but have joined various clubs and made efforts of the years to make friends and have a social circle but it never works. Right now, I really only have one person in my life and it is a relative who lives far away. I guess I would say not to ghost people and to text them if you can. I've known some people who've had luck getting to know people through sports teams or exercise classes, since they meet regularly and they're doing something other than socializing. I'm not too athletic, but maybe you could try that?
I would like to try something like that, but I feel like it's kinda a lost cause. The reason I feel like that is because I'm not allowed to do events like that or do anything similar to those.. But thank you so much for the advice. And I do understand being excluded in groups a lot, I sympathize with you. I'm not sure what to do honestly.. I'm not allowed extra-curricular activites with others unless they are JW, but I don't have any of those in my area.. But I do feel a lot better knowing someone is looking out for me on here.
 
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fishlover

fishlover

in the end, nothing matters
Sep 17, 2023
143
i can relate a bit. i was raised mormon. my mom wasn't suuuper strict about the church's specific rules growing up- but i was still pressured to follow them, especially within the church. i also have adhd and an anxiety disorder- and i think the combo of all 3 made me really naive and an easy target for bullying {plus my appearance didnt help either}.

i struggled to make friends and the people who bullied me regularly took advantage of me. when i started 7th grade and started thinking for myself, i rejected the religion. and same as you- did a lot of things just for the sake of having been so strictly controlled before.
my mom also threw out my things and hit me every time i refused to go to church, which made me hate it all more.

i havent been to church in many years now. but at the very least i can say that the mormon church, and the ward i grew up in- arent anywhere near as bad as jehovah's witnesses.
they helped my family a lot when we were struggling, (food donations and rent help) and many members are very welcoming to people in need or struggling with addiction, etc. even if you are tatted and pierced- theyll help.
{although only because they believe that christ can forgive everyone}

the church has many flaws but its not so bad. i think the real issue is imposing beliefs and restricting children's freedom without giving them a choice. religion should be something you want to believe in, not forced into.

it sucks you went through all of that. and i definitely wouldnt blame you for what you did as a teen.
I'm not allowed extra-curricular activites with others unless they are JW, but I don't have any of those in my area.. But I do feel a lot better knowing someone is looking out for me on here.
are you still living with your parents or part of the church? what makes you not allowed to at the moment?
 
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hanginglights.

hanginglights.

Member
Mar 19, 2024
13
i can relate a bit. i was raised mormon. my mom wasn't suuuper strict about the church's specific rules growing up- but i was still pressured to follow them, especially within the church. i also have adhd and an anxiety disorder- and i think the combo of all 3 made me really naive and an easy target for bullying {plus my appearance didnt help either}.

i struggled to make friends and the people who bullied me regularly took advantage of me. when i started 7th grade and started thinking for myself, i rejected the religion. and same as you- did a lot of things just for the sake of having been so strictly controlled before.
my mom also threw out my things and hit me every time i refused to go to church, which made me hate it all more.

i havent been to church in many years now. but at the very least i can say that the mormon church, and the ward i grew up in- arent anywhere near as bad as jehovah's witnesses.
they helped my family a lot when we were struggling, (food donations and rent help) and many members are very welcoming to people in need or struggling with addiction, etc. even if you are tatted and pierced- theyll help.
{although only because they believe that christ can forgive everyone}

the church has many flaws but its not so bad. i think the real issue is imposing beliefs and restricting children's freedom without giving them a choice. religion should be something you want to believe in, not forced into.

it sucks you went through all of that. and i definitely wouldnt blame you for what you did as a teen.

are you still living with your parents or part of the church? what makes you not allowed to at the moment?
This makes me feel a lot better knowing that someone understands what I have been through. I have genuinely felt all my life my experience was nowhere near relatable to anyone else in this world.. This brings me a lot of comfort, thank you. I'm glad you have gotten past everything from back then, I know how crazily hard it can be. I unfortunately am still in the JW situation, though. Soon enough I will hopefully be able to leave.. But I don't know how easily I will be able to heal from all of it.
 
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fishlover

fishlover

in the end, nothing matters
Sep 17, 2023
143
This makes me feel a lot better knowing that someone understands what I have been through. I have genuinely felt all my life my experience was nowhere near relatable to anyone else in this world.. This brings me a lot of comfort, thank you. I'm glad you have gotten past everything from back then, I know how crazily hard it can be. I unfortunately am still in the JW situation, though. Soon enough I will hopefully be able to leave.. But I don't know how easily I will be able to heal from all of it.
aw,, im glad :)
i read your post and originally assumed you had already separated from the church. im sad to hear youre still stuck. i hope when you do leave that you'll be much happier- i know i am. itll take some patience but i know that the day will come for you. lots of luck!!🍀
 
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F

F@#$

Freedom seeker
Nov 8, 2023
893
I went to elementary school with a couple of kids whose parents were jehovahs witness. I always felt for them, they weren't allowed to participate in birthday celebrations, any holidays, they had to stand in the hallway while the other kids said the pledge every morning. Resulting in them being tormented by all the other children. I never understood.
 
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Overwhelmed52

Student
Dec 3, 2024
148
I would like to try something like that, but I feel like it's kinda a lost cause. The reason I feel like that is because I'm not allowed to do events like that or do anything similar to those.. But thank you so much for the advice. And I do understand being excluded in groups a lot, I sympathize with you. I'm not sure what to do honestly.. I'm not allowed extra-curricular activites with others unless they are JW, but I don't have any of those in my area.. But I do feel a lot better knowing someone is looking out for me on here.
Ugh. That stinks that you are not allowed to do certain things. Maybe you can find online groups for fans of sports or something else that's interactive. It can help to have something to "do." Also, definitely keep posting here. A lot of people feel lonely, too, and can relate.
 
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hanginglights.

hanginglights.

Member
Mar 19, 2024
13
Ugh. That stinks that you are not allowed to do certain things. Maybe you can find online groups for fans of sports or something else that's interactive. It can help to have something to "do." Also, definitely keep posting here. A lot of people feel lonely, too, and can relate.
Thank you so much I definitely will!! I honestly just get worried people won't view my posts
I went to elementary school with a couple of kids whose parents were jehovahs witness. I always felt for them, they weren't allowed to participate in birthday celebrations, any holidays, they had to stand in the hallway while the other kids said the pledge every morning. Resulting in them being tormented by all the other children. I never understood.
That happened to me too when I was little :(
 
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Overwhelmed52

Student
Dec 3, 2024
148
Thank you so much I definitely will!! I honestly just get worried people won't view my posts

That happened to me too when I was little :(
Good! I think people will see and react to your posts, and you can get conversations going by reacting to theirs. The "Offtopic" board is also a good way to interact with people.
 
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alivebutnotliving

alivebutnotliving

“The suffering said we go around”
Dec 16, 2024
23
I resonate deeply with you. I'm sorry life has treated you so terribly. Thank you for sharing, best wishes ❣️
 
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