Help So when does recovery start feeling like recovery?

[SecretDissociation]

When does recovery begin to feel like recovery? When does the hope come in? Like the type of hope someone feels when they see a sunset? When do you need to stop pumping yourself with fake delusions?

Telling myself I can do this, I can get better is not helping. Ever since I 'started' recovery I've been going downhill. I've just been tanking. I'm 10% more suicidal and 60% more actively suicidal than before. I can't keep up with recovery.

Not in a system so gung-ho about this one specific type of therapy, anyway. Regardless of behavioural therapy, I genuinely can't see a light at the end. When does one feel marginally better? When does the 'I'm going to stop trying to kill myself' kick in because I feel worse thinking like that. As in, 'damn, I'm really not going to have a way out of life?'

I don't get how my friend just stopped being suicidal. As in, she thought of 'wanting to die' and stuff the normal amount, but she wasn't thinking actively of overdosing anymore. Not like that didn't stop her from dying amiright? (natural causes).

So can someone enlighten me? When does recovery start feeling like recovery without the self gaslighting?

 

[Odwin]

Well, it just happens so slow you don't even notice recovery until the moment happens and you are free. Similar how you actually became suicidal. Funny, huh.

 

[SecretDissociation]

Well, it just happens so slow you don't even notice recovery until the moment happens and you are free. Similar how you actually became suicidal. Funny, huh.

That's interesting because when I remember the first instance of my suicidality. It was like something clicked in my brain and I just wanted to end it all. I guess it's like when you're improving at something more like.

That sounds long, and painful.

 

[Odwin]

That's interesting because when I remember the first instance of my suicidality. It was like something clicked in my brain and I just wanted to end it all. I guess it's like when you're improving at something more like.

That sounds long, and painful.

And you never know when it is happening. Which sucks. If we all had a progress bar, things would be easier.

 

[SecretDissociation]

And you never know when it is happening. Which sucks. If we all had a progress bar, things would be easier.

A progess bar would be so great

 

[RosieRed71]

When does recovery begin to feel like recovery? When does the hope come in? Like the type of hope someone feels when they see a sunset? When do you need to stop pumping yourself with fake delusions?

Telling myself I can do this, I can get better is not helping. Ever since I 'started' recovery I've been going downhill. I've just been tanking. I'm 10% more suicidal and 60% more actively suicidal than before. I can't keep up with recovery.

Not in a system so gung-ho about this one specific type of therapy, anyway. Regardless of behavioural therapy, I genuinely can't see a light at the end. When does one feel marginally better? When does the 'I'm going to stop trying to kill myself' kick in because I feel worse thinking like that. As in, 'damn, I'm really not going to have a way out of life?'

I don't get how my friend just stopped being suicidal. As in, she thought of 'wanting to die' and stuff the normal amount, but she wasn't thinking actively of overdosing anymore. Not like that didn't stop her from dying amiright? (natural causes).

So can someone enlighten me? When does recovery start feeling like recovery without the self gaslighting?

Would love to know myself. So up and down. Literally one day I feel like there's a bit of hope creeping in, then something always happens that puts me right back in that place where I'm making plans to CTB again.

Yesterday was a good day. Today was mostly OK then I got an email and BOOM. I'm ready to explode and once that's gone, I feel and like I've had enough.