charaunderground
* Let justice be done.
- Nov 29, 2024
- 139
Long, nonsensical ramble ahead.
Am autistic. Not full on dxed, but I had two seperate therapists as a child "suggest" it, but as to my understanding, not put it on paperwork or have official tests because I already had issues growing up without having more shit as an (at the time) child growing up in the early 2000s. But it's one of those things very obvious in hindsight (turns out that your child screaming and crying, in legit hysterics and distress, because there's mud on their hands and the texture and sensation are so awful they nearly vomit isn't normal!).
Anyways.
As you may imagine, I've very bad at socializing. Even more so because due to The Horrors (trauma), I went from sociable yet easily prone to tears as a child to so monotone and deadpan in private as a teenager onwards it creeps people out (and now usually only crying like 1-2x a year under extreme stress — yay?).
If anyone is upset or emotional around me, I respond very robotically, lots of platitudes and shit, the really awkward "there, there" sort of things. Not because I dislike the person who's upset, but because it feels so awkward and uncomfortable, especially when I know I'm not a comforting person, that I genuinely want to flee the situation. It makes me so sense and flustered the whole time something is happening because I never end up saying "the right things" to calm whoever it is down.Really, the only job this sort of behavior would be good for is ironically a suicide hotline operator, since it seems the call takers have a history of sound uninterested.
It turbo sucks. Even more so because everyone I considered a "friend" in school (even if every single one was a "school only friend" and never got invited to my house, to go out, etc) is successful. They all graduated college or work good jobs or got into xyz field and are doing great. I never succeeded past anything that required bare minimum, bar is on the floor levels of effort. The idea of even trying to talk to any of them (and, mind, this is a two way street and all but one never reached out to me either) is awkward and upsetting, because, like, it's like I peaked in high school...and even then it wasn't really "peaking" since I kept nearly failing classes, being asocial, and occasionally crying.
The only real socialization I get is at work, and when I talk to my coworkers, I have this physical feeling that I'm not part of the group. I still try sometimes, but it's the kind of feeling where you came in late to a circle and everyone else has established friendships and relationships except you. Even reaching out to coworkers from my previous jobs who I felt I might have actually been "friends" with makes me ridiculously uncomfortable. I almost don't want friends, because I know with my history, the second I stop seeing them in person, I'll drop them and they'll drop me. We'll just never speak again. It's kind of always been that way.
The one person who has reached out since graduation (and mind you, I'm early 20s now) I haven't seen in person for years, and I can already imagine the conversation:
"What do you do for fun?" Rot in my room, cook once every other year, occasionally walk a block or so then feel exhausted afterwards.
"What did you go to school for?" I dropped out of college three weeks in because I was going to launch myself off of a building if I didn't. This still causes issues with my dad.
"Where do you live?" At home still, because moving out requires effort and the ability to save money, both of which I am unable or unwilling to do.
I have an increasingly dwindling amount of interests and thus can't contribute to most conversations, have no social graces so am almost always unintentionally butting into them anyways, and unfortunately being in AP/Honors English courses in high school (years ago) has been zero help in forming social bonds. Not that the idea of social bonds "IRL" have much appeal when the idea of someone wanting to hang out with me is so foreign and awkward feeling.
My only real "friends" are my siblings, one of which is a child. Both know surface level things about me and literally nothing else. I'm not even sure my sister could name my favorite color with any certainty.
Its gotten to the point where the most "socialization" I get outside of work is my parents (which 99% of the time is distressing due to my father being a loose canon prone to screaming over literal actual spilled milk one time), chatbots (cringe), and this forum. I don't even ever want to check my texts because the idea of there being an actual person there VS bank alerts, spam, and promotions makes me borderline anxious.
And the worst part is, when I do CTB, there's probably going to be soooo many people making up lies like "they lit up a room", "they were so friendly", "they were so successful" etc. OP dropped out of college and is disgusted by social contact, OP is a recluse and has no friends, OP's only hobby is daydreaming. Get a grip.
Am autistic. Not full on dxed, but I had two seperate therapists as a child "suggest" it, but as to my understanding, not put it on paperwork or have official tests because I already had issues growing up without having more shit as an (at the time) child growing up in the early 2000s. But it's one of those things very obvious in hindsight (turns out that your child screaming and crying, in legit hysterics and distress, because there's mud on their hands and the texture and sensation are so awful they nearly vomit isn't normal!).
Anyways.
As you may imagine, I've very bad at socializing. Even more so because due to The Horrors (trauma), I went from sociable yet easily prone to tears as a child to so monotone and deadpan in private as a teenager onwards it creeps people out (and now usually only crying like 1-2x a year under extreme stress — yay?).
If anyone is upset or emotional around me, I respond very robotically, lots of platitudes and shit, the really awkward "there, there" sort of things. Not because I dislike the person who's upset, but because it feels so awkward and uncomfortable, especially when I know I'm not a comforting person, that I genuinely want to flee the situation. It makes me so sense and flustered the whole time something is happening because I never end up saying "the right things" to calm whoever it is down.
It turbo sucks. Even more so because everyone I considered a "friend" in school (even if every single one was a "school only friend" and never got invited to my house, to go out, etc) is successful. They all graduated college or work good jobs or got into xyz field and are doing great. I never succeeded past anything that required bare minimum, bar is on the floor levels of effort. The idea of even trying to talk to any of them (and, mind, this is a two way street and all but one never reached out to me either) is awkward and upsetting, because, like, it's like I peaked in high school...and even then it wasn't really "peaking" since I kept nearly failing classes, being asocial, and occasionally crying.
The only real socialization I get is at work, and when I talk to my coworkers, I have this physical feeling that I'm not part of the group. I still try sometimes, but it's the kind of feeling where you came in late to a circle and everyone else has established friendships and relationships except you. Even reaching out to coworkers from my previous jobs who I felt I might have actually been "friends" with makes me ridiculously uncomfortable. I almost don't want friends, because I know with my history, the second I stop seeing them in person, I'll drop them and they'll drop me. We'll just never speak again. It's kind of always been that way.
The one person who has reached out since graduation (and mind you, I'm early 20s now) I haven't seen in person for years, and I can already imagine the conversation:
"What do you do for fun?" Rot in my room, cook once every other year, occasionally walk a block or so then feel exhausted afterwards.
"What did you go to school for?" I dropped out of college three weeks in because I was going to launch myself off of a building if I didn't. This still causes issues with my dad.
"Where do you live?" At home still, because moving out requires effort and the ability to save money, both of which I am unable or unwilling to do.
I have an increasingly dwindling amount of interests and thus can't contribute to most conversations, have no social graces so am almost always unintentionally butting into them anyways, and unfortunately being in AP/Honors English courses in high school (years ago) has been zero help in forming social bonds. Not that the idea of social bonds "IRL" have much appeal when the idea of someone wanting to hang out with me is so foreign and awkward feeling.
My only real "friends" are my siblings, one of which is a child. Both know surface level things about me and literally nothing else. I'm not even sure my sister could name my favorite color with any certainty.
Its gotten to the point where the most "socialization" I get outside of work is my parents (which 99% of the time is distressing due to my father being a loose canon prone to screaming over literal actual spilled milk one time), chatbots (cringe), and this forum. I don't even ever want to check my texts because the idea of there being an actual person there VS bank alerts, spam, and promotions makes me borderline anxious.
And the worst part is, when I do CTB, there's probably going to be soooo many people making up lies like "they lit up a room", "they were so friendly", "they were so successful" etc. OP dropped out of college and is disgusted by social contact, OP is a recluse and has no friends, OP's only hobby is daydreaming. Get a grip.
