Help Solving the "suicide is the answer" issue

[Unspoken7612]

I know what would make my life better (although not necessarily good)

- Move back to London, where I can be more active

- Go into work once or twice a week

- Be active, socialise, explore, date, etc.

Issues:

Moving back to London would be stressful. Solution: kill yourself.

I wasn't happy when I lived in London. Solution: kill yourself.

Work is harder than staying in bed. Solution: stay in bed, then kill yourself.

and so on.

The big issue I am having is that my solution to everything is "kill yourself". To most people it isn't an option, but once you're suicidal... John Mulaney joked that "cancelling plans is like crack", and killing yourself is the ultimate plan cancellation, it's the big dose of crack when you've built up a tolerance for the normal stuff. I can avoid all stress simply by saying "I will kill myself soon".

I genuinely think if I did everything "perfectly" then... hmm. I'd still be suicidal, but half the time I would be optimistic. And right now I have a choice between "work really hard for the rest of my life to feel OK half the time" and "kill myself", and the latter makes so much more sense. For most people, it would be a no-brainer to just work hard and get what you want.

How do I break free of the "there's no point because I'm going to kill myself" trap? I have no real preventative factors and nothing motivating me.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

Suicide is not an "answer" in any meaningful sense, it is more like walking out of the room to avoid having to deal with the questions. And, if you think about it, there is no point to any of it anyway because we're all going to die sooner or later. So, if there is no point, then what's the point?

The way I look at it is that, even though there is no overall sense to doing anything — recovering, not recovering, living, dying — I am, in this moment, still alive, and thus I have one choice to make: I can work towards something now, that means something to me now; or I can not do it, and spend whatever time I have left here feeling like rubbish because of it. I do not expect any external rewards or recognition for trying. In this sense, continuing to live is, for me, essentially an exercise in selfishness — not because I am actually acting selfishly towards others, but because every ounce of effort I put into it is ultimately aimed towards making my day-to-day existence worth the trouble.

In my particular case, it has taken a form that will ultimately enable me to work with others, and hopefully help them improve their own lives. But, at bottom, it is a selfish aim because it gives me something to move towards; I'm not doing it with a sacrificial mindset of "I'll suffer through life so I can do something for others." This might sound a bit strange, but I believe that all forms of pro-social and altruistic behaviour stem from the same selfish impulse of helping others because suffering makes us feel bad, and seeing others do well through our efforts makes us feel good.

Thinking that "if I could do this, or if I lived there, I would feel better" might be true to some degree, depending on the circumstances. But I think it is worth asking yourself how true it is, and whether it's an idea that might enable you to justify not taking action in the here and now — "I really would socialise more or try dating if I were living in London, but I am not in London, so I will continue to stay at home instead." While your current location might not be comparable to London, I'm sure there are some steps that you could take in the general direction of becoming more social, if that is a goal you have.

 

[Unspoken7612]

Suicide is not an "answer" in any meaningful sense, it is more like walking out of the room to avoid having to deal with the questions. And, if you think about it, there is no point to any of it anyway because we're all going to die sooner or later. So, if there is no point, then what's the point?

The way I look at it is that, even though there is no overall sense to doing anything — recovering, not recovering, living, dying — I am, in this moment, still alive, and thus I have one choice to make: I can work towards something now, that means something to me now; or I can not do it, and spend whatever time I have left here feeling like rubbish because of it. I do not expect any external rewards or recognition for trying. In this sense, continuing to live is, for me, essentially an exercise in selfishness — not because I am actually acting selfishly towards others, but because every ounce of effort I put into it is ultimately aimed towards making my day-to-day existence worth the trouble.

In my particular case, it has taken a form that will ultimately enable me to work with others, and hopefully help them improve their own lives. But, at bottom, it is a selfish aim because it gives me something to move towards; I'm not doing it with a sacrificial mindset of "I'll suffer through life so I can do something for others." This might sound a bit strange, but I believe that all forms of pro-social and altruistic behaviour stem from the same selfish impulse of helping others because suffering makes us feel bad, and seeing others do well through our efforts makes us feel good.

Thinking that "if I could do this, or if I lived there, I would feel better" might be true to some degree, depending on the circumstances. But I think it is worth asking yourself how true it is, and whether it's an idea that might enable you to justify not taking action in the here and now — "I really would socialise more or try dating if I were living in London, but I am not in London, so I will continue to stay at home instead." While your current location might not be comparable to London, I'm sure there are some steps that you could take in the general direction of becoming more social, if that is a goal you have.

Thanks for your post.

A lot of what you say seems like good sense, and maybe it's close to the best answer I could hope for.

Unfortunately my response to it is a pessimistic one. I think I lack motivating values - there are things I care about to some extent, but not enough to want to pursue them, even to make my life better.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

I had a similar question when I was recovering, and ironically the solution came to me when I was the most likely to actually CTB. Essentially, I realized: "if I'm going to ctb, then I might as well spend my last few moments actually doing the things I enjoy since I won't be here to enjoy them after I ctb" (without completely financially ruining myself, just in case I failed to ctb).

That, and "even if I don't ctb, I'll die eventually anyways. So, I might as well hold onto what few good things I actually do have right now. I also might as well do the things I need to do / want to do, just to see what happens before I inevitably die."

Not sure if that will help you, but it helped me a lot to think this way.

 

[Unspoken7612]

I had a similar question when I was recovering, and ironically the solution came to me when I was the most likely to actually CTB. Essentially, I realized: "if I'm going to ctb, then I might as well spend my last few moments actually doing the things I enjoy since I won't be here to enjoy them after I ctb" (without completely financially ruining myself, just in case I failed to ctb).

That, and "even if I don't ctb, I'll die eventually anyways. So, I might as well hold onto what few good things I actually do have right now. I also might as well do the things I need to do / want to do, just to see what happens before I inevitably die."

Not sure if that will help you, but it helped me a lot to think this way.

Thank you for your post. I have had similar thoughts.

When I have been planning an imminent suicide in the past, I have indulged in favourite foods and similar. But I don't think that's a way for me to build sustainable contentment. It's easy enough to be hedonistic, but hard to do the hard work of a good life. Eating junk food is going to make me feel good in the moment, but what I really need to do is eat healthily and exercise. But there's no point in dong those things if I think I'm going to die next spring.