Venting Some Days you just wake up wishing you were dead...

[lost_one]

I had a dream last night, in which I fell in love, it was great until I woke up. Honsetly sometimes I prefer the nightmares to my dreams, they make me less depressed. I tell myself, love isn't on the cards for me and to focus on what I can have.

I wish I had the courage to end this miserable existance, I know what I really want is to be loved and cared about, but I also know it is never going to happen so, sometimes I wish I would just CBT to end this hole in my chest...this emptyness and hollowness...this stupid pathetic lonliness.

I makes me feel so weak, to want that. " I should be fine by myself" "I shouldn't need anyone" ...cause I don't have anyone,

I will try to keep myself distracted today, until this felling fade a bit, naturally to the background...cause I don't know what else to do.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Yea, so you're thinking about romance? There's a part of you that wants to have a future with someone else, but It just needs a practical plan to work out irl.

 

[blackbeauty]

You are not weak for wanting to be loved and cared about. I think the mind can be horrible in convincing us we are not deserving of good things and to just accept our situation as is.

If you don't mind me asking, what happened to make you think love isn't on the cards for you?

 

[lost_one]

You are not weak for wanting to be loved and cared about. I think the mind can be horrible in convincing us we are not deserving of good things and to just accept our situation as is.

If you don't mind me asking, what happened to make you think love isn't on the cards for you?

I don't like to talk about it. Suffice it to say, I mad mistakes in the past. Some fucked up shit. That I hate myself for, and can't forgive myself for. I hate myself and I think I don't deserve to be loved. ( Also I think it would be disingenuous to not tell a future partner about my past, and don't think anyone would love me if they knew).

Also obviously no one ever really cared about me, family sucks, never had friends past 6 years old. ( I am 26 now). I don't know how to interact with people. I think, also that I am a lesbian, which makes things more tricky.

Edit: Also in the best case scnario, I think I would have to "get better" before felling that I am fit to be in a relationship.... cause I am very depressed, and would drag them down and hurt them. (Growing up the plan was always to end things too, so I though it would be better if no one cared about my death, I have no ties so no one would get hurt when I left, I am trying to stop the suicidal tendencies for the past two years, to little sucess, although I am preatty certain I would never have what it takes to actually end my life...I am after all a coward)

(I talk way too much when I am sad, so I apologize in advance)

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I always wake up and wish that I was dead. Dying during my sleep would be one of the greatest blessings ever. It'd be a gift for me.

I makes me feel so weak, to want that. " I should be fine by myself" "I shouldn't need anyone" ...cause I don't have anyone,

I say the same things but when it comes to friendships instead (as I don't want love or rather that I'm scared of it). I was saying the same things today though, in my case, I think it's somewhat true as I know I'd be overwhelmed by having friends or that I'd get bored of them, not because they're boring but because they aren't... me

 

[blackbeauty]

Talk as much as you want! No need to apologise! It's me that needs to apologise for waffling below as I wanted to get back to every point you mentioned

No worries, and thank you for sharing what you have - it takes a lot of courage to be so open. The journey to self-love and forgiveness can be tough, but it's also so worth it. I hope you give yourself the chance to see that change is possible - you deserve it.

It's normal to feel unsure about interacting with people - it's something we all navigate, and you're not alone in figuring it out. As for discovering that you might be a lesbian, that's a beautiful part of learning about yourself. I think there's threads and communities on SaSu to connect with others who understand and can help you explore who you are while building meaningful connections.

I really really understand your thoughts on feeling you have to get better before being in a relationship and also thinking what's the point of being in a relationship if I am going to end my life soon and then you feel stuck. I'm 26 too and not really had many romantic experiences and now I'm considering short-term connections so that I don't have to worry about building an emotional bond if I do decide to end my life but it gives me a chance of experiencing being desired or loved even if it is momentarily. Maybe this something you can think about too?