Some things to get off my chest

[Meretlein]

When I wake up the first thing I perceive is this burning sensation in my stomach and chest. I don't know how to make it go away, it is always there to some degree. Working out gets rid of it a little bit and remembering past events or reminders of what could have been increase it. I don't know what to do about this because I have been so active I seem to have damaged my feet. They hurt all the time, the other day I was in the coffee shop and trying not to writhe in pain.

I'm completely dissociated from myself. My internal clock is frozen. I remember the last year of my life, but those don't feel like my memories. I will even say the wrong age on accident sometimes. It's like a part of me believes that I can wake up one day and be in my old life, although rationally I know that will never happen. I will "split off" in certain situations too. I know I will never be able to recover unless I pick of the pieces of myself but it burns to try.

This is less serious and actually funny when I think about it. I'm in a reverse closet. When I was in highschool, I thought I was gay because I wasn't attracted to guys. This lead to me coming out and dating girls before realizing i'm just attracted to no one. Recently a family friend and her daughter sent me a letter talking about how being LGBT is hard and gave me pride flags and shirts. I feel kind of bad for not telling anyone yet. It's funny that usually gay people are in the closet pretending to be straight but I am in the closet pretending to be gay!

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read.

 

[woxihuanni]

Do you love yourself/fully embrace yourself and feel pain because of external stuff, or do you blame yourself?

 

[Meretlein]

Do you love yourself/fully embrace yourself and feel pain because of external stuff, or do you blame yourself?

I am actively suicidal because of external stuff but my own neurotic traits predisposed me to this.

I've always been bent towards being negative. I had really severe OCD when I was a toddler that made it hard to eat properly among other things. I got a grip on it but it was always there. When I was 10 years old I would look in the mirror and worry about wrinkles. My best friend remembers me never raising my eyebrows and flattening her's when she did. I also decided never to have kids at that age too. I looked at my brothers suffering and thought that I never wanted to gamble like that. I was also a pretty severe cutter for no good reason at all as a teen. But I never had a plan for suicide until recently due to some traumatic events.

As for being asexual, I accept/embrace it now. It's who I am and I couldn't imagine myself any different.

 

[woxihuanni]

Glad to hear that you embrace your identity!

I think OCD requires the most courage to go through among all MH issues. It takes immense courage. If you can find a way out of some patterns in yourself, maybe external stuff would be more dealable with. Is there something that is your heart's desire? Something/somebody you love deeply?

 

[Stan]

Sometimes we forget that our mods have issues as well. Thanks for sharing

 

[Brick In The Wall]

It sounds like stress and maybe your early eating disorders could have caused a type of ulcer. That could be the causation of the stomach burning sensation.

I can relate to the OCD tendencies and feelings of time being "frozen" so to speak. I too constantly forget my actual age or find myself telling people the wrong age when asked about it.

Thanks for sharing.

 

[Meretlein]

Glad to hear that you embrace your identity!

I think OCD requires the most courage to go through among all MH issues. It takes immense courage. If you can find a way out of some patterns in yourself, maybe external stuff would be more dealable with. Is there something that is your heart's desire? Something/somebody you love deeply?

I have some close friends that I care about and a few hobbies that keep me going. I'm trying to make it to December because I have a singing recital then.

I also talked with some of oldest friends today and they mentioned how worried they were that I was gone. I felt bad because I desperately want to leave but forgot how much they cared. One of them even said something like "I always worried about one of my friends committing suicide especially while you were gone"

I think I will go to doctors get some of my issues fixed for them. Just so I feel less bad if it comes to suicide.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through some tough times, and I wish you the best. Good luck on your voice recital btw.

 

[Meretlein]

It sounds like stress and maybe your early eating disorders could have caused a type of ulcer. That could be the causation of the stomach burning sensation.

I can relate to the OCD tendencies and feelings of time being "frozen" so to speak. I too constantly forget my actual age or find myself telling people the wrong age when asked about it.

Thanks for sharing.

Is the sense of being frozen due to your OCD tendencies or something else? I'm sorry you are having to deal with these things.

I don't know if I have a stomach ulcer because the burning goes away in brief moments of happiness. It will also become unbearable during certain upsetting situations.

 

[pole]

When I wake up the first thing I perceive is this burning sensation in my stomach and chest. I don't know how to make it go away, it is always there to some degree. Working out gets rid of it a little bit and remembering past events or reminders of what could have been increase it. I don't know what to do about this because I have been so active I seem to have damaged my feet. They hurt all the time, the other day I was in the coffee shop and trying not to writhe in pain.

I'm completely dissociated from myself. My internal clock is frozen. I remember the last year of my life, but those don't feel like my memories. I will even say the wrong age on accident sometimes. It's like a part of me believes that I can wake up one day and be in my old life, although rationally I know that will never happen. I will "split off" in certain situations too. I know I will never be able to recover unless I pick of the pieces of myself but it burns to try.

This is less serious and actually funny when I think about it. I'm in a reverse closet. When I was in highschool, I thought I was gay because I wasn't attracted to guys. This lead to me coming out and dating girls before realizing i'm just attracted to no one. Recently a family friend and her daughter sent me a letter talking about how being LGBT is hard and gave me pride flags and shirts. I feel kind of bad for not telling anyone yet. It's funny that usually gay people are in the closet pretending to be straight but I am in the closet pretending to be gay!

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read.

Sorry to hear about you're struggles :(. My train of thought has become extremely foggy over the year, and things just aren't as clear to me as they once were in life.

As for you're pain, i'd get it checked out by a doctor. It reminds me of some things i heard a while back that might be helpful. There have been burning sensations in women, whom have some sort of issues in hormonal changes and psychological disorders. For instance, in this case specifically, some women tend to feel a burning sensation in their mouth; which has been found to have a strong psychological relationship with stress and anxiety and increased levels of depression. I dont think its something extreme like a stomach ulcer. You say the sensation increases when you're in a state where you're perhaps worrysome, stressed and anxious. and essentially decreases and minimizes in sensation when you're doing things such as physical activities to GET YOU'RE mind off of the negatives and thus the sensation. its good though that you've identified where it happens, and perhaps HOW the sensation is triggered, because it aligns with other studies of women feeling such a way with the influences of depression and anxiety playing a role in such sensations. Others often times have immense chest pains, where they feel the burning sensation and tightness in their chest; so its something thats known to occur. I think some people, even guys can have these sensations in different forms when you get to a point where depression and you're suicidal ideation not only mentally affects you, but it affects you physically. i feel like i cant breath, and that im literally being choked, like theres a dumbell on my chest thats pressing down and stopping my breathing whenever i dwell on the negativity.


Ill link one of the studies incase you're curious. Hope you get it checked out as soon as you can though, so it doesn't get worse. Hope you feel better. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3425147/

 

[Meretlein]

Sorry to hear about you're struggles :(. My train of thought has become extremely foggy over the year, and things just aren't as clear to me as they once were in life.

As for you're pain, i'd get it checked out by a doctor. It reminds me of some things i heard a while back that might be helpful. There have been burning sensations in women, whom have some sort of issues in hormonal changes and psychological disorders. For instance, in this case specifically, some women tend to feel a burning sensation in their mouth; which has been found to have a strong psychological relationship with stress and anxiety and increased levels of depression. I dont think its something extreme like a stomach ulcer. You say the sensation increases when you're in a state where you're perhaps worrysome, stressed and anxious. and essentially decreases and minimizes in sensation when you're doing things such as physical activities to GET YOU'RE mind off of the negatives and thus the sensation. its good though that you've identified where it happens, and perhaps HOW the sensation is triggered, because it aligns with other studies of women feeling such a way with the influences of depression and anxiety playing a role in such sensations. Others often times have immense chest pains, where they feel the burning sensation and tightness in their chest; so its something thats known to occur. I think some people, even guys can have these sensations in different forms when you get to a point where depression and you're suicidal ideation not only mentally affects you, but it affects you physically. i feel like i cant breath, and that im literally being choked, like theres a dumbell on my chest thats pressing down and stopping my breathing whenever i dwell on the negativity.


Ill link one of the studies incase you're curious. Hope you get it checked out as soon as you can though, so it doesn't get worse. Hope you feel better. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3425147/

Thanks for this informative response. I'm sorry you're getting similar symptoms.

 

[woxihuanni]

I have some close friends that I care about and a few hobbies that keep me going. I'm trying to make it to December because I have a singing recital then.

I also talked with some of oldest friends today and they mentioned how worried they were that I was gone. I felt bad because I desperately want to leave but forgot how much they cared. One of them even said something like "I always worried about one of my friends committing suicide especially while you were gone"

I think I will go to doctors get some of my issues fixed for them. Just so I feel less bad if it comes to suicide.

Singing sometimes relieves me in a way little else can. I hope you make it and enjoy it.

Admire you a lot for considering your friends and making an effort for them. And sending you a big hug

 

[Sweet emotion]

This is what you have to do. You have to go to a gastroenterologist and get an endoscopy. The will put you out for about 15 minutes and run a thin tube with a camera on it down your throat into your stomach and will see what the problem is. Asking people isn't going to get you an answer because there's no possible way we could know. It's not painful at all so don't worry about that.

I have really bad OCD as well. I was born with it I'm sure. At 15 it got really bad. I finally found a good shrink and a great therapist and it really helped. I would love to go see a therapist now but I have Complex regional pain syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history and I have it inside my ears, headz, and face amongst other areas. So when I talk and when i listen especially for a long period of time I'm put in so much pain I just want to die. So I have to just try and deal with it as best I can. But you can get a therapist and go to a shrink and it can really help. You just have to find the right therapist. I gave each one three times before I decided if they were good or not. I hope you are to get better.