Cauliflour
The masochist who doodles.
- Mar 24, 2025
- 282
I'm gonna try to phrase this very carefully because oversharing and talking about personal sexuality are things that make me really uncomfortable but my god I can't do anything because of these stupid ass thoughts dirtying everything I think right now. It's gotten to the point where I wanna go hang myself to get rid of them but even suicide I can't think properly anymore.
God I really shouldn't've looked up porn when I was 15. It's not an addiction mind you, my sex drive has actually gotten quite low I've noticed to the point where it's slightly concerning me as I don't think it's normal to want to watch porn only like every 1 1/2 months as opposed to how many days per week you normal people do. I think it's more the fact that I'm physically incapable of self inserting so I always look at media as an outsider's perspective. I don't see myself as whatever desired porn star in that situation, I see myself watching 2 women having sex and it makes me feel gross like I'm spying on them. Not to mention how most of lesbian porn is shitty fetishy crap for guys and I scroll past so many questionable titles and thumbnails just trying to find anything decent. Hentai's worse I think yet I have more of a desire to go look for the good stuff. Is it because I'm an artist so it's just in my nature to find such cartoons more pleasing? I don't know. I'm fucking myself over here and I don't know how to express it as I probably should talk to someone about it but I can't even talk to myself about it properly in my diary entries like I'm so modest not even my brain can properly explain it. Why do I keep treating porn like it's fucking instruction manuals? I know it's all fantasy, why do I keep doing this subconsciously? Why do I keep trying to look for lesbian porn when so much of it is dogshit? Why do I keep bothering with the whole sexuality thing when I'm so fucking bad at it like I should at least have the basics down by now and every time I just feel more and more dirty for doing said thing even though said thing wouldn't get out of my mind if I didn't do something about it and fucking hell I wish I was asexual or something! They don't have to worry about shit like this. They don't have to worry about so much of their knowledge about their sexuality being off Google and porn because nobody tells you anything and when they do, it's just like queer PSAs going "girls can like girls!" or jokes from both in and out the community of varying levels of quality and education-ness.
I need to sleep, it's almost 1 am, but I can't because my dreams will keep me out of the deep sleep of making up the same sanarios just as some weird ego booster mixed with horniness because nobody in real life actually gives a crap about me but I hate these dreams now because it brings out that same guilt in me that makes me paranoid of getting into relationships in the first place. Like in order to get to the good path, I have to act like a narcissistic prick and even then, I can't even visualise it properly anymore. Like it feels like a VHS with generational loss. Why does my brain keep going over the begining part with all the talking over and over just to force me to accept compliments from fictional women who are way hotter than me.
What am I even saying anymore?
I know I should just go "alright, no more googling porn" but I know damn well in like 2 months time I'll do it again at night instead of brushing my teeth and stuff and then bitch about this all over again because I never fucking learn and I hate myself so much I wish I could fucking kill myself right now but I can't because then my parents will be like "oh how did this happen?" come across these on my computer and remember me as their fucking loser child that was so shit at socialising that instead of asking for money, they would steal it off them because that doesn't require conversation and convincing.
God I really shouldn't've looked up porn when I was 15. It's not an addiction mind you, my sex drive has actually gotten quite low I've noticed to the point where it's slightly concerning me as I don't think it's normal to want to watch porn only like every 1 1/2 months as opposed to how many days per week you normal people do. I think it's more the fact that I'm physically incapable of self inserting so I always look at media as an outsider's perspective. I don't see myself as whatever desired porn star in that situation, I see myself watching 2 women having sex and it makes me feel gross like I'm spying on them. Not to mention how most of lesbian porn is shitty fetishy crap for guys and I scroll past so many questionable titles and thumbnails just trying to find anything decent. Hentai's worse I think yet I have more of a desire to go look for the good stuff. Is it because I'm an artist so it's just in my nature to find such cartoons more pleasing? I don't know. I'm fucking myself over here and I don't know how to express it as I probably should talk to someone about it but I can't even talk to myself about it properly in my diary entries like I'm so modest not even my brain can properly explain it. Why do I keep treating porn like it's fucking instruction manuals? I know it's all fantasy, why do I keep doing this subconsciously? Why do I keep trying to look for lesbian porn when so much of it is dogshit? Why do I keep bothering with the whole sexuality thing when I'm so fucking bad at it like I should at least have the basics down by now and every time I just feel more and more dirty for doing said thing even though said thing wouldn't get out of my mind if I didn't do something about it and fucking hell I wish I was asexual or something! They don't have to worry about shit like this. They don't have to worry about so much of their knowledge about their sexuality being off Google and porn because nobody tells you anything and when they do, it's just like queer PSAs going "girls can like girls!" or jokes from both in and out the community of varying levels of quality and education-ness.
I need to sleep, it's almost 1 am, but I can't because my dreams will keep me out of the deep sleep of making up the same sanarios just as some weird ego booster mixed with horniness because nobody in real life actually gives a crap about me but I hate these dreams now because it brings out that same guilt in me that makes me paranoid of getting into relationships in the first place. Like in order to get to the good path, I have to act like a narcissistic prick and even then, I can't even visualise it properly anymore. Like it feels like a VHS with generational loss. Why does my brain keep going over the begining part with all the talking over and over just to force me to accept compliments from fictional women who are way hotter than me.
What am I even saying anymore?
I know I should just go "alright, no more googling porn" but I know damn well in like 2 months time I'll do it again at night instead of brushing my teeth and stuff and then bitch about this all over again because I never fucking learn and I hate myself so much I wish I could fucking kill myself right now but I can't because then my parents will be like "oh how did this happen?" come across these on my computer and remember me as their fucking loser child that was so shit at socialising that instead of asking for money, they would steal it off them because that doesn't require conversation and convincing.
