Discussion Someone jumped in front of my train on Saturday

[Darlington]

Sorry if this is not fitting, this is my first post as a long time lurker. For context I've taken 1 attempt on my life as a teenager, and still consider on a erratic basis.


Hello, to introduce I work as a conductor for a high speed operator in the uk. I've only been qualified for about 4 weeks.

I allways knew it was a possibility, but to have a fatality within a month of qualifying is very unlucky for me

On Saturday a man jumped in front of my train at a local station aproaching a major city, my train was passing express so passed the platform at speed. I was in the rear cab at the time and saw the guy get smeared across the platform. This has fucked with me a bit.

The train was stoped for about 2 hours while the police cleared things up. Both me and the driver saw it happen, and I had to made the anouncment saying we had hit someone.

I'm nor really sure what to do now, and how it has changed my views on suicide in genral. I think he was very selfish as he has ruined lots of other people lives, there were people on the platform that saw what happend. Its not fair to put others in that situation no matter how bad things are.

I don't want to be disintegrated, and I don't want others to be impacted if I decide to follow though, but this has definitely raised some questions.

I'm off work until further notice.

What gets me is I won't even know his name.

 

[sadBPDgirl0708]

I'm really sorry you had to witness that:( I hope your work are providing you with the proper support

 

[RiverOfLife]

I am sorry you had to go through that. That's the kind of thing that puts me off taking that route out. I don't want to traumatize other people who probably don't deserve it.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

When you are very mentally ill, sometimes you can't think it through clearly because the pain is so bad.
I'm so sorry you were witness to this.

 

[limerance1]

I think 'ruined other people's lives' is a bit of an overstatement. What's a couple of hours of lost time or graphic imagery compared to a lifetime of suffering

 

[Darlington]

I'm really sorry you had to witness that:( I hope your work are providing you with the proper support

Yes they have been good, also all the people I have trained with have called/messaged me as soon as they found out. I went in for a meeting today and they are visiting me at home later in the week.

 

[FuneralCry]

It always feels so cruel to me how painless ways to die are denied and instead people have to suffer so much in trying to be free from this existence and end up using brutal methods, if there's the option to be euthanised it'd save all this suffering. It's such a horrific, cruel world where there's no acceptance towards not wanting to exist, I suffer so much from how I cannot just have the option to simply die in peace, I only wish to never suffer ever again, I'd always prefer to die no matter what than prolong the suffering this existence causes.

 

[CatLvr]

OMGosh, I am SO sorry this happened to you. I am a firm believer in NOT involving strangers in my need to leave this life. I'm not saying I don't understand the overwhelming need to ctb, or that there are people out there who feel things like jumping in front of a train is their only choice, just that I couldn't do something like that because I know from personal experience how that kind of thing affects you.

Be forewarned, there will likely be members here who do not sympathize with you, simply because as a "normie" you couldn't possibly understand the pain they are in. Don't let them get to you. I personally think you are gonna go through a really rough period (again personal experience) and need just as much, and maybe more, support that those of us who are more familiar with these feelings. Do not be afraid to reach out if you need help processing what has happened. I hope you will eventually be able to come to peace with the fact that there was absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent what happened. Whomever jumped that day was in more pain that most people can fathom and truly believed that was their only way out. Please do not be rough on yourself.

 

[Darlington]

I think 'ruined other people's lives' is a bit of an overstatement. What's a couple of hours of lost time or graphic imagery compared to a lifetime of suffering

I'm pretty sure there were families on the platform. I understand the motives, and have taken 1 attempt myself as a teenager, but I would never want to hurt others like that. They could have taken the train on that line to the coast and there are very tall cliffs that don't get much people about

 

[maniac116]

Oh my God!! That's a horrendous event to have to witness!!!
I hope you're able to somehow get through this.
I'm very "pro choice" regarding one ending their own life but to fuck up others people in the process is very wrong. I pity the person who's pain was so profound they sought to end their life in that fashion as well.
Public suicides, especially by violent means, exposing others to that act is wrong & I really hope others read your very important post & take heed.
Many of us are on this website because of trauma in our lives.
I'll keep you in my thoughts, for your full recovery & am so sorry you have seen something you simply can't unsee.

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

I think 'ruined other people's lives' is a bit of an overstatement. What's a couple of hours of lost time or graphic imagery compared to a lifetime of suffering

Witnessing this could lead to a lifetime of trauma and suffering for those innocent people.

 

[astr4]

I would argue it's more selfish and cruel to deny people any humane end to their suffering, that people have to resort to jumping in front of a train… He was probably suffering so much. If people on platforms don't want to be traumatized, maybe they should care more when the right to die issues come up in elections.

It's so easy for everyone to judge a dead man, but I bet no one cared when he was alive and breathing. It's only now his dead body inconveniences people that "oh no how awful."

Not directed at you OP but this general sentiment of looking down on people who pick more public methods. How awful, to assume everyone has the time, energy, and resources that you might have. Hard not to view it as victim blaming. I'm sorry it was traumatizing for you, but can we have some empathy for someone who was clearly suffering so much.

 

[limerance1]

Witnessing this could lead to a lifetime of trauma and suffering for those innocent people.

Not too long ago people used to gather for public executions for entertainment. Not to mention the Roman colosseum in more ancient times. But nowadays seeing a violent death is going to "lead to a lifetime of suffering". I'm not saying that it couldn't lead to trauma for particularly sensitive people, but for most of it will become simply a memory as we continue to go through our lives. I'm not advocating for this type of suicide method but calling it life ruining is overkill (pun intended)

 

[-Tandem-]

I think 'ruined other people's lives' is a bit of an overstatement. What's a couple of hours of lost time or graphic imagery compared to a lifetime of sufferin

One thing I've learned over the past decade is that it isn't fair to minimalize others experiences. What if watching someone die like that could destroy someone's mental health the way things in my life have destroyed mine? I agree with what you're saying, I agree that this person was probably suffering so badly. Idk it's just something I thought about as I read over the thread. Take care

 

[Csmith8827]

I don't think witnessing this could destroy people mentally. As stated above public executions have been happening for centuries. Is it uncommon in modern day society? Yes i'm sure it is...but at the same time we all deserve a peaceful way out and If they aren't going to give it to us then fuck them honestly. I wish this happened more often and people just jumped off buildings or shot themselves publically. It would definitely get the ball rolling on some sort of humane, peaceful way for people to exit existence which is all we really want anyways.

 

[leavingsoonx]

OMGosh, I am SO sorry this happened to you. I am a firm believer in NOT involving strangers in my need to leave this life. I'm not saying I don't understand the overwhelming need to ctb, or that there are people out there who feel things like jumping in front of a train is their only choice, just that I couldn't do something like that because I know from personal experience how that kind of thing affects you.

Be forewarned, there will likely be members here who do not sympathize with you, simply because as a "normie" you couldn't possibly understand the pain they are in. Don't let them get to you. I personally think you are gonna go through a really rough period (again personal experience) and need just as much, and maybe more, support that those of us who are more familiar with these feelings. Do not be afraid to reach out if you need help processing what has happened. I hope you will eventually be able to come to peace with the fact that there was absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent what happened. Whomever jumped that day was in more pain that most people can fathom and truly believed that was their only way out. Please do not be rough on yourself.

I don't want to leave strangers to find my body but is family really better? I feel for OP. It's a sight not everyone should see. But I'm suicidal as I'm sure many are here including OP. I can understand the person who took their life and why they weren't considering strangers. To me it's always seemed easier for someone who doesn't know me to face that rather than my family. Someone has to find you. It's a reality to be faced on this form.

For OP, I'm glad it changed your perspective on suicide. I'm sorry you had to deal with someone deciding to end their life in front of your eyes.

 

[CatLvr]

I don't want to leave strangers to find my body but is family really better? I feel for OP. It's a sight not everyone should see. But I'm suicidal as I'm sure many are here including OP. I can understand the person who took their life and why they weren't considering strangers. To me it's always seemed easier for someone who doesn't know me to face that rather than my family. Someone has to find you. It's a reality to be faced on this form.

For OP, I'm glad it changed your perspective on suicide. I'm sorry you had to deal with someone deciding to end their life in front of your eyes.

You know, I can truly see both sides of the situation, and felt kinda, well, uncomfortable posting, BUT while I have not ever seen the body of someone who has ctb, I have seen the aftermath of someone who was COMPLETELY unfamiliar with those feelings and it absolutely ruined his life. He was actually pretty suicidal for a year or so after. I have since lost track of him -- life does go on, as they say -- but every time I get really suicidal I think of him and how he was traumatized. He would freely tell you until our co-worker killed herself it never occurred to him that people had such awful lives that they really thought that ctb-ing was an option. (This was 40-45 years ago and "mental health" really wasn't a mainstream thing back then like it is now.) If I do wind up having to take matters into my own hands I will make sure that no one sees me do the deed (no public spectacle), and that even the first responders who find me will not be "shocked" by what they find. They will know exactly what they are coming up on, and even how I did it (especially if I wind up using a firearm) so they will have the option to "step out" before coming upon my body, if they decide that is best for them.

Hopefully, though, I will remain in my somewhat precarious recovery for many, many years, so my son and I can go to Switzerland (or to a pro-suicide state) when the time comes. That way no one has any regrets, second thoughts or is traumatized by my passing.

 

[dqngerous]

this thread…

it's terrible that this person thought suffered so much that they felt this was the only way out and there was no peaceful option. it's terrible that people had to watch it happen, out of nowhere.

can't both things be true?

i'm sorry you witnessed that OP, & i'm glad your job is being supportive.

 

[HeartThatFeeds]

This honestly freaks me out because I was out on Saturday and a train got cancelled for an unknown reason and my friend suggested that someone probably jumped

 

[astr4]

this thread…

it's terrible that this person thought suffered so much that they felt this was the only way out and there was no peaceful option. it's terrible that people had to watch it happen, out of nowhere.

can't both things be true?

i'm sorry you witnessed that OP, & i'm glad your job is being supportive.

no ones saying both can't be true, but if you're referring to my comment, there's comments emphasizing how this guy was so selfish, how "i could NEVER do something that cruel," like they're any better than he was. that shit pisses me off.

 

[dqngerous]

no ones saying both can't be true, but if you're referring to my comment, there's comments emphasizing how this guy was so selfish, how "i could NEVER do something that cruel," like they're any better than he was. that shit pisses me off.

i agree with that, i don't think it's right to call suicidal people selfish, especially the deceased

 

[Darlington]

This honestly freaks me out because I was out on Saturday and a train got cancelled for an unknown reason and my friend suggested that someone probably jumped

What train company and time was this?

 

[HeartThatFeeds]

What train company and time was this?

It was around 12pm I think? on EMR, It could just be a coincidence but stuff like this does happen a lot so

 

[Darlington]

It was around 12pm I think? on EMR, It could just be a coincidence but stuff like this does happen a lot so

that was not me, although not miles away, I don't want to dox myself publicly and can't send PMs yet.

 

[ctemourge]

yeah the only thing that has stopped me from a suicide by train / jumping off an interpass is the fact im going to traumatize other people. unfortunately sometimes people are so far gone mentally that it doesnt even cross their mind. ive been there as well :/ but i hope that you take care of yourself after witnessing something so distressing , thinking of you and anyone who witnessed that

 

[CatLvr]

no ones saying both can't be true, but if you're referring to my comment, there's comments emphasizing how this guy was so selfish, how "i could NEVER do something that cruel," like they're any better than he was. that shit pisses me off.

I realize now that my comment may have come off that way and I certainly did not mean for it to. I can empathize with both sides of this issue. Couple that with me always being that person who worries about what I do and how it affects others and well, here I am. But I do not think I minimized the pain the guy who ctb-ed felt. Just that I can't do what he did.

 

[graveface]

So sorry you had to witness that. I think signing up to witness something like a public execution hundreds of years ago vs something like this is that people expected it. They'd signed up for it. They wanted to see it. Meanwhile you're a worker trying to do your job and the folx on the platform are just trying to get through their day. Witnessing such a shocking, unexpected event would mess with almost anyone.

 

[coolgal82]

I think 'ruined other people's lives' is a bit of an overstatement. What's a couple of hours of lost time or graphic imagery compared to a lifetime of suffering

you're ignoring any potential trauma coming from literally watching someone die and like if you're part of the staff potentially feeling like you're partially responsible, that shit can CAUSE a lifetime of suffering

yeah the only thing that has stopped me from a suicide by train / jumping off an interpass is the fact im going to traumatize other people. unfortunately sometimes people are so far gone mentally that it doesnt even cross their mind. ive been there as well :/ but i hope that you take care of yourself after witnessing something so distressing , thinking of you and anyone who witnessed that

this is the only thing that stops me from like jumping whenever im at a train station even if the thought is constantly in the back of my mind and my brain tries to persuade me to do it

 

[Darlington]

Thank you everyone for the surport

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I think he was very selfish as he has ruined lots of other people lives, there were people on the platform that saw what happend. Its not fair to put others in that situation no matter how bad things are.

I'm sorry this happened to you but it's also wrong to call this guy selfish - I'm pretty sure if he had a different method that was easily accessible to him and more peaceful he wouldn't have chosen a train. He must have done this in total desperation. RIP