lobotomie
Hikikomori
- Feb 15, 2024
- 27
Ever since I was a child, I've always wanted to die. I have multiple failed attempts behind me, I've always thought when I die, it would be by suicide. Recently, something has changed, it happened so suddenly I don't even know how to explain it.
I've always thought if I ever recover, it would take months, years, because that's how it is for most people. Recovery isn't something that happens over night, you don't wake up one day and decide you want to live. Recovery isn't that easy, recovery is something that takes effort - However, that wasn't the case for me.
Ever since I was a child, the reason I wanted to die was because it's permanent, because everything would be over and there would be no way to return once you've died.
There was no specifc trigger for it, no near death experience or anything of the sorts. If I had to guess, I would guess the reason this happened was because someone died. Someone I barely knew, a girl from my little sisters class. I didn't know her name, or anything about her. Many people close to me have died without it affecting me, so I'm unsure why this specifically affected me so much.
2 strange nights with strange dreams later, and I find myself wanting to live.
Surreal, oddly realistic dreams.
In the first one, I was being chased by someone. They had a gun, I knew they would kill me if they found me. Instead of running away and trying to live, I found myself running up to them and asking them to shoot me in the head, to make it painless.
In the second one, I found myself in a similar situation. Yet instead of asking to die, I actually tried to survive - I desperately wanted to live, and I tried my hardest to survive.
I've had many dreams like the second one, but none of them ever changed something deep within me.
I want to live, I want to survive the horrors of this world. This world is cruel, it has caused me a lot of pain, but I want to live. I want to be strong, I'm not ready to give up just yet.
I think I finally realized the permanency of death, it's scary. Horrifying.
Though I've been through a lot of pain, there have been some amazing moments in my life. Moments that I would have missed if any of my past attempts succeeded.
I want to live, I want to create more beautiful memories with the people I love. Although I still sometimes think about wanting to end it all, those thoughts disappear rather quickly.
When I die, all those beautiful memories will be gone forever, at least for me. The people I love, I will never be able to see their smile again, or to hear their beautiful voices.
Death is scary, because we don't know what it's like. I used to think whatever happens when we die, it would be better than living on this earth.
The truth is, I'm terribly afraid of dying. The idea of everything I've ever known being gone forever terrifies me. There's so much I haven't seen, so much I haven't done, the idea of me missing out on all those beautiful parts of life terrifies me.
I don't know what exactly caused it, but I couldn't be more glad it happened.
I want to live. For the people I love, and for myself.
-
I might be leaving this forum, or at least take a break from it for a while. I feel like I don't belong here any longer.
I've met many amazing people on here, thank you for the great experiences I've made thanks to you.
End note:
I understand how hard recovery can be, I sincerely hope this post didn't discourage you in any way. What happened to me is weird to say the least, please don't feel worse about yourself or your recovery just because this post makes it seem easy in a way - it's absolutely not, and I understand that.
My intention was not to discourage anyone, and I sincerely apologize if that happened to anyone reading this. All I wanted was to share my story. Thank you.
I've always thought if I ever recover, it would take months, years, because that's how it is for most people. Recovery isn't something that happens over night, you don't wake up one day and decide you want to live. Recovery isn't that easy, recovery is something that takes effort - However, that wasn't the case for me.
Ever since I was a child, the reason I wanted to die was because it's permanent, because everything would be over and there would be no way to return once you've died.
There was no specifc trigger for it, no near death experience or anything of the sorts. If I had to guess, I would guess the reason this happened was because someone died. Someone I barely knew, a girl from my little sisters class. I didn't know her name, or anything about her. Many people close to me have died without it affecting me, so I'm unsure why this specifically affected me so much.
2 strange nights with strange dreams later, and I find myself wanting to live.
Surreal, oddly realistic dreams.
In the first one, I was being chased by someone. They had a gun, I knew they would kill me if they found me. Instead of running away and trying to live, I found myself running up to them and asking them to shoot me in the head, to make it painless.
In the second one, I found myself in a similar situation. Yet instead of asking to die, I actually tried to survive - I desperately wanted to live, and I tried my hardest to survive.
I've had many dreams like the second one, but none of them ever changed something deep within me.
I want to live, I want to survive the horrors of this world. This world is cruel, it has caused me a lot of pain, but I want to live. I want to be strong, I'm not ready to give up just yet.
I think I finally realized the permanency of death, it's scary. Horrifying.
Though I've been through a lot of pain, there have been some amazing moments in my life. Moments that I would have missed if any of my past attempts succeeded.
I want to live, I want to create more beautiful memories with the people I love. Although I still sometimes think about wanting to end it all, those thoughts disappear rather quickly.
When I die, all those beautiful memories will be gone forever, at least for me. The people I love, I will never be able to see their smile again, or to hear their beautiful voices.
Death is scary, because we don't know what it's like. I used to think whatever happens when we die, it would be better than living on this earth.
The truth is, I'm terribly afraid of dying. The idea of everything I've ever known being gone forever terrifies me. There's so much I haven't seen, so much I haven't done, the idea of me missing out on all those beautiful parts of life terrifies me.
I don't know what exactly caused it, but I couldn't be more glad it happened.
I want to live. For the people I love, and for myself.
-
I might be leaving this forum, or at least take a break from it for a while. I feel like I don't belong here any longer.
I've met many amazing people on here, thank you for the great experiences I've made thanks to you.
End note:
I understand how hard recovery can be, I sincerely hope this post didn't discourage you in any way. What happened to me is weird to say the least, please don't feel worse about yourself or your recovery just because this post makes it seem easy in a way - it's absolutely not, and I understand that.
My intention was not to discourage anyone, and I sincerely apologize if that happened to anyone reading this. All I wanted was to share my story. Thank you.
