Venting Sometimes I wonder if the problem really is just me

[princessame]

Like... i look around me. My life has been fairly "content", you know? I have a stable house, I'm about to get a job soon (so I can provide for myself and work up to moving out to my OWN place), I have a good relationship with my family (despite the fact I was pretty abused when I was younger.. it seems like they're trying to change, although very late), I get the things I want, like my life is good. But why do I feel so empty anyway? Why do I feel so upset? Sometimes it takes everything in me to not down my grandmother's medication. She has bottles upon bottles of that shit, and I can just take it whenever I want. But I'm still pretty shaken up from my last attempt (which was in March of 2024), so I'm not exactly keen on trying again. But like when I was been through being abused, being constantly miserable and isolated it was like more acceptable to be miserable. When i was younger i would dream of being in the place I am today, but now that I'm here I'm just not content. Like I'm not sure what's missing. So I just feel like the problem was me all along... like even though I was being abused and all and that isn't exactly my fault, I just feel like my attitude was. I don't know, I just feel lost. Does anyone else ever feel this way? Have you ever overcame it? I don't know, I'm just scared. And especially with this fear of dying alone. The last relationship I had left me being groomed and then cyberstalked/harassed. and it was an online relationship, too! So it wasn't even like I was able to hold someone's hand or get kissed or something. And I feel like I'm not going to be able to get in a relationship ever again. I mean, I'm pretty young (19) so I know there's no rush, but I still feel afraid about all that anyway. I'd like to fall in love.. people say it's shocking I don't have a partner and like I will find someone eventually, but I just don't feel like it's true. I don't know, I just wonder if anyone else has gone through this and what they did to overcome it. Thanks

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Sounds like you are telling yourself that what you went through at such a young age was your fault. It wasn't. How could it possibly be? I know it's hard to hear, but you definitely need to confront that demon and either kill it, or take away its hold on you because it definitely will wear you down eventually.

As for the how, well, talking through it with someone, be it a therapist or close confidant is the best way to start. As you gain more confidence, gently ask to discuss it with your abusers if possible. You need closure to move forward and confronting what is eating away at you is the best possible solution, BUT at a pace that isn't overwhelming to you.

 

[princessame]

Sounds like you are telling yourself that what you went through at such a young age was your fault. It wasn't. How could it possibly be? I know it's hard to hear, but you definitely need to confront that demon and either kill it, or take away its hold on you because it definitely will wear you down eventually.

As for the how, well, talking through it with someone, be it a therapist or close confidant is the best way to start. As you gain more confidence, gently ask to discuss it with your abusers if possible. You need closure to move forward and confronting what is eating away at you is the best possible solution, BUT at a pace that isn't overwhelming to you.

Sometimes it does feel like it was my fault, honestly. I tried really hard to be a good kid. I never got into any kind of trouble with things like the law or underage sex or drugs or whatever, I mean I even went to college EARLY! I was known for maintaining GPAs of 3.8 and higher! I tried very hard to be kind and listen, but they'd still be mean to me anyway. They'd violate my privacy all the time like I was "hiding something", but what in the world would I be hiding? I didn't even go out anyway, I had like one or two friends.
I mean, I've confronted them time and time again but how I felt, normally it'd be when I was already super upset and we were arguing, and it'd just lead to the main abuser just like, laughing in my face. And when it wasn't in a fight, she'd always say shit like "after all I've done for you? After I've raised you when your mother left?" Like that's exactly why.. because of all that you've done. But I dunno, maybe I'm just pessimistic. I wasn't sexually or physically abused, so it makes me feel a bit invalid for saying "abuser", although what they did is classified as things like emotional/verbal abuse, and in some cases literal neglect. But I dunno, I feel like I need the physical scars for it to be valid at all.
I mean I've talked to the enabler and it seems like he's actually trying to improve and change, but unless he cuts out the main abuser, he will always be an enabler.
Thank you for your words, though. I appreciate them

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Sometimes it does feel like it was my fault, honestly. I tried really hard to be a good kid. I never got into any kind of trouble with things like the law or underage sex or drugs or whatever, I mean I even went to college EARLY! I was known for maintaining GPAs of 3.8 and higher! I tried very hard to be kind and listen, but they'd still be mean to me anyway. They'd violate my privacy all the time like I was "hiding something", but what in the world would I be hiding? I didn't even go out anyway, I had like one or two friends.
I mean, I've confronted them time and time again but how I felt, normally it'd be when I was already super upset and we were arguing, and it'd just lead to the main abuser just like, laughing in my face. And when it wasn't in a fight, she'd always say shit like "after all I've done for you? After I've raised you when your mother left?" Like that's exactly why.. because of all that you've done. But I dunno, maybe I'm just pessimistic. I wasn't sexually or physically abused, so it makes me feel a bit invalid for saying "abuser", although what they did is classified as things like emotional/verbal abuse, and in some cases literal neglect. But I dunno, I feel like I need the physical scars for it to be valid at all.
I mean I've talked to the enabler and it seems like he's actually trying to improve and change, but unless he cuts out the main abuser, he will always be an enabler.
Thank you for your words, though. I appreciate them

I had both, but not sexual, so I am definitely coming from a place of understanding, believe me. Been on this site for a while and parts of my story are scattered across the site if you need reference. I know all about this thought process.

 

[princessame]

thanks for your empathy, it makes me feel better to not be as alone on it

 

[EternalShore]

I'm really sorry to hear about all that~ :( I wish your parents had treated you better~ :( It sucks when things that you hope can make you content fail to do so as you may have hoped~ :( I always did my best to remain pure, kind, get good grades, and maintain my innocence through everything too, and wow, everything sucks now~ :( I'm expected to expose myself to evil as an adult and basically poison my own self while still not really getting the only thing I do want at this point... It feels awful to work for a world which gifts you nothing but abandonment in return~ :( I hope you're able to get into a relationship you like in the future~ :) Online ones rather suck but are better than nothing~ It won't solve everything, but well, getting someone who really cares about you and can talk to you through everything can really help~ :)

The problem is certainly not you tho~ Just because your parents may blame you for everything doesn't mean you're actually truly at fault for any of it~ >_<

 

[Blue Dream]

But why do I feel so empty anyway? Why do I feel so upset?

Because you don't just casually shrug off a ctb attempt, isolation and abuse. There is still a wound when the knife is removed. Healing takes time and possibly assistance.

But I'm still pretty shaken up from my last attempt (which was in March of 2024), so I'm not exactly keen on trying again. But like when I was been through being abused, being constantly miserable and isolated it was like more acceptable to be miserable.

Emotions are in some respects similar to the weather. You can refuse to accept misery about as well as you can refuse to accept rain or snow. Pressuring yourself by thinking you should be happy is not unlike telling an angry person to calm down, or telling someone to stop laughing. Pressure makes emotions last longer (not unlike kindling fire) and increase in intensity. Let yourself feel whatever you feel, give misery all the room it needs to air out and give yourself time. It'll get worse before it gets better.