Discussion song material?

[whoineverwas225]

i hate myself

i've been living a cycle for years and it's driven me to absolutely despising who i am. despite my attempts at changing this cycle i just get trapped over and over and over again. and while it's been going on for so long you'd think i really know how to understand exactly what im doing wrong and what im feeling. but i cant. thats why im on this site. every time i read posts and comments and discussions i see myself and my pain in other people and relate to it a lot. i want to tell the stories of what i feel and what the people here feel. its very raw and human and i feel like that's something that musicians are afraid of making art about. i'm not. im a musician and i'm starting to release a lot of music. i want my music to be relatable to human beings. i dont want it to be corporate slop that radios play and billionaires fund. i want real raw music to take over the world again and i want to help make that happen. so my reason behind making this post is asking people if they could share how they feel and if i can use it in my work. i want our voices to be heard and i want people to know that this stuff is real. this is life. life can suck. in a way that's kind of why its beautiful? idk. anyways i hope some people see this and are open to sharing :)

 

[Life'sA6itch]

Same here. And this is not even all of it. My mom and dad gave my older and younger siblings, cars, braces to straighten their teeth, driving lessons, they each went to both their junior and senior proms and graduations and to college right after high school. I was given none of that and I was the middle child (3 girls) the only one who actually needed jaw surgery & braces. I was not allowed to have a job but was never given an allowance either. Guess which sisters were. I was never asked what I wanted to do with my life or asked about college and asking any questions about even mundane things often led to beatings, being cursed at or both so by the time I was 8 or 9 I had already begun limiting my speaking and working to take up as little space as possible in everything I did and do to this day.

Never went to my own proms or graduation, not a damned person in my "family" even mentioned these occasions for me but fawned over my siblings for any of theirs. Nor were any of the other glaring differences in how I was treated by my own parents ever discussed. I was never actually hugged or told I love you by my mom. All this is on top of abuse and neglect particularly from my mom ever since I was a toddler and my mom cursing at me, yelling at me, beating me and forcing me to lie to my dad about her cheating that she would take both me and my younger sister out with her for. We sat in an adjacent living room or were sent out to play while at other men's homes.

Fast forward to being adults, mom's "friend" and my older sister STOLE $73,333 of my inheritance, an inheritance I never knew about until AFTER IT WAS STOLEN. I had to fight to become administrator when our mom died just to unravel all this and find out who stole what but it was clear my older sister was guilty as she kept giving odd answers or saying she didn't know to questions that she absolutely should have known, even when I questioned her about paying ALL OF HER RENT, UTILITIES, CELL PHONES, ETC FROM ONE OF MOM'S ACCOUNTS.

There in black and white, but she said I don't know. Local "authorities" refused to do anything even with medical records showing mom had cognitive issues and showing a complete non relative got their name on my mom's bank accounts and cleaned out SEVEN FIGURES the day before mom's LVAD was turned off without anyone ever telling me or my younger sister anything about turning off the LVAD. The medical records show in black and white my sister and the other theif were the only ones told (at the same time) that our mom's LVAD could be turned off. And the Dr. noted the family is aware but me and my younger sister were not. Police nor the bank did anything even when I gave them both of the theives names and addresses and phone numbers too!

Only because I ordered mom's house sold did we all split $10,000 each after I paid our mom's bills. I don't really speak to my sisters and am continuing to hate life after a very bad childhood. Now I as an adult, I get yelled and cussed at by complete strangers while working in a crappy customer service job. My younger sister I still care for, my older sister will die before she ever sees my face without me smashing hers. Who says blood is thicker than water????? This is why it feels like life itself is trying to kill me. I've wanted out and tried for the 1st time on the night of my 13th birthday and somehow failed an addt'l 2 times at 15 or 16 and again at 21. Just want the pain to end. I feel like an eff up in every possible way