Thank you if you read all of this, but not to worry if you don't. It's more for myself than anyone or anything else. Sometimes when people have denied you a voice for so long, all you can do is scream in to the big black hole. Also, if you're not from the UK, you may not be familiar with the organisation of healthcare (consider yourself lucky not having to subject yourself to the 'care' they supposedly provide) and terms such as 'Trust'. You can probably work it out but don't worry if not.
Dr Jonathan Bindman told me it was understandable I was physically abused because my Autism made me difficult. He joked about a dislocated shoulder I'd suffered as a result. He said everyone wants to get rid of me, he said another dr I had seen previously only saw me because I paid him (he then asked how much I paid him). He said that before ending my appointment I'd waited for, after 10 mins. He laughed and said he's not discussing any referrals after I showed him the NICE guidelines and other ones he was ignoring. He asked if my friends 'put up with' me. He lied in my notes about conversations, made stuff up. He discharged me via text. He told all the useless people around him, like the Associate Medical Director and Chief Nurse, that he had offered treatment and I had declined. The same mediocrities take his word for everything despite the fact that all the notes say different. He literally wrote to a dr that I shouldn't 'be made to think that treatment is an option'. He told my mum he was just waiting for me to leave the area. He made up stuff about my address being different so I wasn't actually 'local'. Actually they had my old address on the system. But still, the disgraceful chief nurse, Vanessa Smith, repeated his lies, as did the Associate Medical Director. The lesson is don't believe the people in authority positions have integrity or competences they're usually just the ones who are willing to seek their souls and close ranks to protect their rogue and abusive staff. After all that (and more I ah ent mentioned), one may find it strange that Dr Bindman offered to 'continue the conversation' outside of services, after discharging me. I told the Director of services, John Lavelle, of this during a meeting. He conveniently left that out of his 'meeting summary'. He also told Dr Bindman I wasn't 'owed' treatment. Someone should look closer at the management of this Trust, since they seem to not understand the basics and have taken it upon themselves personally to decide he gets treatment and who doesn't. They really act like they're paying out of their own pocket. They're bullies - simple. I've spoken to other people Dr Bindman has harmed (and joked about). Vanessa Smith tried to portray me as bitter and malicious. Every one of them that put their name to his lies is not only dishonest, but incompetent. Vanessa Smith described my Autism as 'high functioning' in a cynical attempt to minimised my struggles. Nowhere in my notes has it been described with functioning labels, and Ms Smith has never met me, so someone should tell her she has no right no make clinical judgements abt strangers. She should be shown the NHS's own guide on language around Autism and she'd see that functioning labels are mostly not accepted. She also said I had capacity to kill myself, threatened me if I tried to pursue the complaint further, lied repeatedly, and snooped through my notes from my new team, which is completely separate from the complaint, and proceeded to write about it and copy in numerous staff without consent. She implied that the new team had spoken to her about me. They hadn't, because she has no right. Instead she helped herself to my personal information and splashed it for everyone to see. There's a reason she's in management. Oh and the head of complaints, Edith Adejobi, called me and told me to 'go back to my GP and sort out funding' or I wasn't allowed my next appointment. I told her I think she's made a mistake (she had) and she barked at me and told me to 'stop preaching'. Bullies all round. Tell me, when did complaints management decide who can and can't have appointments? This trust has no care for the distress they cause people. Vanessa Smith tweets blue love hearts and advocates for suicide prevention. But she blamed me for Dr Bindman joking in my notes that I 'talk (more likely scream!) about suicide'. I then jumped out of a car. He went back and retrospectively added in to my notes that he had 'offered intervention' and I had 'declined'. Jonathan Bindman is harmful, and so are pen pushers like Vanessa Smith who lack the capacity to be critical of their own service and instead viciously attack service users instead. People think those in leadership positions are the most competent. No. They're the ones who are willing to sell their soul to protect the bullies in the NHS. Whilst protecting the abusive Dr Bindman, Vanessa Smith (recklessly) slandered my father, also a doctor. My father has worked across the world helping the most vulnerable, as well as never having any complaints about his bedside manner. Vanessa Smith should remember that the next time she thinks she has any right to smear someone's character based off of nothing more than the grumblings of her abusive staff. This Trust can say what they like about me, but I draw the line at the likes of Vanessa Smith dirtying my father's name in a tacky attempt to cover for a doctor who others have called a 'misogynist', 'creepy', 'callous' and 'manipulative'. People like Vanessa Smith and John Lavelle (who told me I wasn't 'owed' anything and said it was right that Jonathan Bindman buried my re-referrals so that they didn't show up on the system) are the usual nhs yes-men. People like my father are the ones who make the difference to people's lives and relieve them of pain. Ms Smith and Mr Lavelle are a disgrace - and shameless liars. The reviews about the associate medical director are also far from glowing. Do you see the pattern here?
People like my father don't just tweet platitudes and love hearts on twitter like Vanessa Smith does. No, they're passionate and diligent about their work. Then you have the likes of Vanessa Smith who misused the concept of capacity to justify denying care. Legally illiterate and morally bankrupt. What wonderful leaders. Then you have the likes of John Lavelle who don't see any problem with their Consultants discharging people, blocking all their re-referrals (and saying they'll try to influence any decision made by another team), but still offering to 'carry on the conversation outside of services'. Who does that benefit exactly? The point is, people like Vanessa Smith and John Lavelle should keep my father's good name out of their mouths. If you think this is getting personal, it's because it is. It's personal because from day one this Trust has attacked me personally, and my family. From speculating in my notes that my dad took a particular job because it 'paid more', to calling my family 'disturbed' (that they've never met), to the low likes of Vanessa Smith commenting on my day-to-day functioning and explaining my suicidal ideation to me as if she's ever met me (she hasn't). As if she has any authority on me or my life. Oh and her complete disregard for my privacy and right to confidentiality when she illegitimately accessed my medical records and put the information in her repulsive letter to me where she copied in multiple other people I've never even heard of. Her response to my concerns? Tell the Information Commissioners Office. Yes, she really is that arrogant. Power really does get to some people's heads.
Jonathan Bindman deleted his twitter account, either by choice or under advice. But not before I got all the information I needed, including the tweet where he laughs and belittles the complaints about him (he was referring to me without naming me), boasts about how he wriggles out of risk assessments. And there's much more, twitter and beyond. Doctors like Dr Bindman get away with so much because the spineless people around them (mentioned previously) lack the will and/or ability to challenge them. Even though it's apparently well known that they way he deals with colleagues is subpar, none of those colleagues had any concern or any curiosity about how that may allude to his treatment of patients, who have no power. But that's hardly a surprise when you have people like Vanessa Smith who use nauseating terms like 'SLaMily' to describe the Trust's workforce. Someone remind this family gathering that they're not family. They have no loyalty to each other. They should, however, follow guidance and procedure. But Vanessa Smith likes to shield staff like she's their mother, sacrificing people like me and then demonising . I thought I was alone, but after seeking out others, the scandals at this Trust are widespread. Don't think the absence of a formal complaint means anything. You've seen what the bullying head of complaints, Edith Adejobi, does to people who complaint. She likes to hold their treatment to ransom. All of those in management positions really ought to show some humility. There's little to be smug about.
The biggest insult of all was the cynical way the Chief Nurse, Vanessa Smith, attempted to belittle my struggles, with her (made up) references to my 'high functioning' Autism, my 'capacity' etc. How dare she. Truly, how dare she pass any comment on how I get through every day. It was made considerably more difficult by the way her disgraceful staff treated me. That's what she should be focusing on. For a nurse, she lacks any ability to empathise or understand how their actions affect people. After my dad called the crisis line after I jumped out of a car, he was told by the team there that I had to call myself (after they'd discharged me via text) and she wrote in my notes that my dad 'reluctantly' thanked her and hung up. Do you see how self absorbed these people are? That was what this person on duty thought was important info to document. Nothing about me or the reason for calling. Even in moments of crisis, they tried to paint my father is bad and nasty. Even when at your lowest they wrote about their subjective feelings in MY medical records. How dare they. The good thing is, none of them are very bright. Without the power that comes with their positions, they really couldn't do much harm. They rely on people not doing the work and joining the dots, collecting the evidence, building the full, ugly picture. I have. I did it for them. And I'm going to sing like a canary. I know there are other families who've been demonised for their fight to help their relatives, patients who turned to that trust for help and instead got pushed off a cliff. Then told that they jumped. Vanessa Smith is one of the unfortunately increasingly common mental health workers that thinks that services only care for those who don't have 'capacity', and she thinks that only people who are inpatient are entitled to any sort of accountability. She thinks people like me complaining are just a nuisance. All I can say is thank goodness she isn't clinical staff.
Whenever you see those cold, copy and pasted statements from Trusts sending their condolences to the family of a dead patient, saying they'll 'learn lessons', imagine Vanessa Smith. She thinks nothing I said matters because I didn't die, and even if I did, I 'have capacity'. I'll remember that. Because that's all they care about. Are you dead? Even if you are…can we wriggle out of it?
Two weeks after I jumped out of a car, injuring my shoulder and refusing to go to the hospital with paramedics because I couldn't subject myself to potentially more disgusting treatment from so-called mental health professionals, I had one last appointment with the vile Dr Bindman. It had been arranged before he'd discharged me via text. Do you know what this repulsive man said, knowing full well what had happened? He said everyone wanted to get rid of me. When I challenge him by saying that I had no problems with the previous doctor or any others, he laughed at me and said he's 'reading between the lines'. Remember that when SLaM posts patronising crap about suicide prevention. That is the calibre of person they hire and protect. Oh and despite 3 referrals direct from emergency services, Jonathan Bindman lied in my discharge letter about 'not needing or using any crisis or emergency services'. He initially didn't send me a copy of the discharge letter…I wonder why? I had to ask for it. Oh but he made time to go and write that he had offered 'intervention' I had declined. No wonder John Lavelle said his actions were 'GMC referable'. So why didn't you, Mr Lavelle? The same family that Vanessa Smith tried to paint as monsters, we're the ones that stood by me whilst her and her embarrassing staff failed over and over, and she covered their backs.
Not once did those people even try to view me as a human being. I was just a nuisance, a threat. The real threat still works for them, obviously. I spent so many years running. I did what I could to survive, and to try and protect myself. When I moved for university I saw it as a fresh start, a chance to build my own life and give me and others I care about peace. This Trust turned it into a nightmare. My dad collapsed from the stress. The likes of Vanessa Smith had the audacity to say I wasn't part of the 'local population' and therefore I wasn't entitled to anything, despite living in the area. Her reason? My postcode from 3 years ago, before I moved. I'd happily explain the concept of globalisation to Ms Smith in order for her to understand that people don't stay in one place these days, but somehow I think it won't register with her. I haven't spent nights in the rain and cold, in other people's beds, with a bag always packed and ready to run, even to this day, just for ignorant bullies like Vanessa Smith to tell me where I belong. She should stay in her lane. She really tried to tell me the new life I was making for myself wasn't real, was invalid. Well, good thing she has no say in the matter, despite what her inflated ego makes her think. Yes she didn't know why saying what she did would cut deep, but even if she did she'd say that's my problem. And anyway, it doesn't change the fact that she doesn't get to make up rules to suit her agenda. I'm not trying to sound self pitying here, I'm simply highlighting that often the people sitting in their little offices, taking pictures for twitter, have no bloody clue what they're talking about. So they should just be quiet.
Having both chosen and been forced to move locations before, sometimes for months at a time, to have a Chief Nurse of a mental health Trust try to deny me care and make my position feel precarious is despicable. Shameful, really. It's also entirely illegitimate. That sense of feeling unwanted everywhere you go, feeling like a burden and an imposition, I carry that with me every day. Shame on a Chief Nurse for stooping so low, and for being too lazy to check that's she not actually just talking rubbish.
Vanessa Smith cynically used my situation to say that the Trust didn't owe me any help at all. She said they have to make sure resources are available to the 'local population', and implied that that didn't include me because my parents live elsewhere and I see my parents. She actually has no idea about my family situation, or my life, apart from what she snooped in my medical records. All that mattered was that my address was in the area. I owe nobody, especially the likes of Vanessa Smith, an explanation about my comings and goings. This horrible woman used my personal information to say I don't belong. So nobody misunderstands, I haven't lived at home for 3 years because 1. I went to uni. 2. I didn't feel safe or at peace at home. It makes me feel sick to know that someone like Vanessa Smith can freely go snooping through all my private medical records and pick out information to use against me in a letter justifying the mistreatment I faced by her Trust. She's an absolute disgrace. And she will answer for it. She is nothing more than a bully. All of them are. Some people in mental health services love the power trip of it. Somebody tell them that, despite what they may think, they are not entitled to any information about somebody's life. All of it is privileged access, and only with consent, and only to be used in ways that the patient consents to.
Her aim was to make me feel like my presence at that Trust, and my access to services, was somehow conditional on her goodwill. It is not down to any individual, and they will answer for the way they've deliberately made me feel.
I wish I didn't, but I remember every single thing that happened. Some of it I'm too embarrassed and ashamed to even write. They make you feel dirty, awful, bad. The hardest thing with everything is trying to come to terms with the fact that nobody may ever truly know me. People think thoughts like that are fanciful, but they're not. They're real and they're serious. How are you meant to go through this life with no witness, not knowing what's true and what's not. This Trust that was meant to help, gaslit me about my entire experience, even my life before I ever encountered them. They caused my family nothing but heartache and stress. And I bear that guilt. It hurts so much. What has been achieved after all of this? Nothing. Nobody can even hold hope for me. Not because it's so bad, but because to them it just doesn't matter. Do you know how much it hurts?
Dr Jonathan Bindman told me it was understandable I was physically abused because my Autism made me difficult. He joked about a dislocated shoulder I'd suffered as a result. He said everyone wants to get rid of me, he said another dr I had seen previously only saw me because I paid him (he then asked how much I paid him). He said that before ending my appointment I'd waited for, after 10 mins. He laughed and said he's not discussing any referrals after I showed him the NICE guidelines and other ones he was ignoring. He asked if my friends 'put up with' me. He lied in my notes about conversations, made stuff up. He discharged me via text. He told all the useless people around him, like the Associate Medical Director and Chief Nurse, that he had offered treatment and I had declined. The same mediocrities take his word for everything despite the fact that all the notes say different. He literally wrote to a dr that I shouldn't 'be made to think that treatment is an option'. He told my mum he was just waiting for me to leave the area. He made up stuff about my address being different so I wasn't actually 'local'. Actually they had my old address on the system. But still, the disgraceful chief nurse, Vanessa Smith, repeated his lies, as did the Associate Medical Director. The lesson is don't believe the people in authority positions have integrity or competences they're usually just the ones who are willing to seek their souls and close ranks to protect their rogue and abusive staff. After all that (and more I ah ent mentioned), one may find it strange that Dr Bindman offered to 'continue the conversation' outside of services, after discharging me. I told the Director of services, John Lavelle, of this during a meeting. He conveniently left that out of his 'meeting summary'. He also told Dr Bindman I wasn't 'owed' treatment. Someone should look closer at the management of this Trust, since they seem to not understand the basics and have taken it upon themselves personally to decide he gets treatment and who doesn't. They really act like they're paying out of their own pocket. They're bullies - simple. I've spoken to other people Dr Bindman has harmed (and joked about). Vanessa Smith tried to portray me as bitter and malicious. Every one of them that put their name to his lies is not only dishonest, but incompetent. Vanessa Smith described my Autism as 'high functioning' in a cynical attempt to minimised my struggles. Nowhere in my notes has it been described with functioning labels, and Ms Smith has never met me, so someone should tell her she has no right no make clinical judgements abt strangers. She should be shown the NHS's own guide on language around Autism and she'd see that functioning labels are mostly not accepted. She also said I had capacity to kill myself, threatened me if I tried to pursue the complaint further, lied repeatedly, and snooped through my notes from my new team, which is completely separate from the complaint, and proceeded to write about it and copy in numerous staff without consent. She implied that the new team had spoken to her about me. They hadn't, because she has no right. Instead she helped herself to my personal information and splashed it for everyone to see. There's a reason she's in management. Oh and the head of complaints, Edith Adejobi, called me and told me to 'go back to my GP and sort out funding' or I wasn't allowed my next appointment. I told her I think she's made a mistake (she had) and she barked at me and told me to 'stop preaching'. Bullies all round. Tell me, when did complaints management decide who can and can't have appointments? This trust has no care for the distress they cause people. Vanessa Smith tweets blue love hearts and advocates for suicide prevention. But she blamed me for Dr Bindman joking in my notes that I 'talk (more likely scream!) about suicide'. I then jumped out of a car. He went back and retrospectively added in to my notes that he had 'offered intervention' and I had 'declined'. Jonathan Bindman is harmful, and so are pen pushers like Vanessa Smith who lack the capacity to be critical of their own service and instead viciously attack service users instead. People think those in leadership positions are the most competent. No. They're the ones who are willing to sell their soul to protect the bullies in the NHS. Whilst protecting the abusive Dr Bindman, Vanessa Smith (recklessly) slandered my father, also a doctor. My father has worked across the world helping the most vulnerable, as well as never having any complaints about his bedside manner. Vanessa Smith should remember that the next time she thinks she has any right to smear someone's character based off of nothing more than the grumblings of her abusive staff. This Trust can say what they like about me, but I draw the line at the likes of Vanessa Smith dirtying my father's name in a tacky attempt to cover for a doctor who others have called a 'misogynist', 'creepy', 'callous' and 'manipulative'. People like Vanessa Smith and John Lavelle (who told me I wasn't 'owed' anything and said it was right that Jonathan Bindman buried my re-referrals so that they didn't show up on the system) are the usual nhs yes-men. People like my father are the ones who make the difference to people's lives and relieve them of pain. Ms Smith and Mr Lavelle are a disgrace - and shameless liars. The reviews about the associate medical director are also far from glowing. Do you see the pattern here?
People like my father don't just tweet platitudes and love hearts on twitter like Vanessa Smith does. No, they're passionate and diligent about their work. Then you have the likes of Vanessa Smith who misused the concept of capacity to justify denying care. Legally illiterate and morally bankrupt. What wonderful leaders. Then you have the likes of John Lavelle who don't see any problem with their Consultants discharging people, blocking all their re-referrals (and saying they'll try to influence any decision made by another team), but still offering to 'carry on the conversation outside of services'. Who does that benefit exactly? The point is, people like Vanessa Smith and John Lavelle should keep my father's good name out of their mouths. If you think this is getting personal, it's because it is. It's personal because from day one this Trust has attacked me personally, and my family. From speculating in my notes that my dad took a particular job because it 'paid more', to calling my family 'disturbed' (that they've never met), to the low likes of Vanessa Smith commenting on my day-to-day functioning and explaining my suicidal ideation to me as if she's ever met me (she hasn't). As if she has any authority on me or my life. Oh and her complete disregard for my privacy and right to confidentiality when she illegitimately accessed my medical records and put the information in her repulsive letter to me where she copied in multiple other people I've never even heard of. Her response to my concerns? Tell the Information Commissioners Office. Yes, she really is that arrogant. Power really does get to some people's heads.
Jonathan Bindman deleted his twitter account, either by choice or under advice. But not before I got all the information I needed, including the tweet where he laughs and belittles the complaints about him (he was referring to me without naming me), boasts about how he wriggles out of risk assessments. And there's much more, twitter and beyond. Doctors like Dr Bindman get away with so much because the spineless people around them (mentioned previously) lack the will and/or ability to challenge them. Even though it's apparently well known that they way he deals with colleagues is subpar, none of those colleagues had any concern or any curiosity about how that may allude to his treatment of patients, who have no power. But that's hardly a surprise when you have people like Vanessa Smith who use nauseating terms like 'SLaMily' to describe the Trust's workforce. Someone remind this family gathering that they're not family. They have no loyalty to each other. They should, however, follow guidance and procedure. But Vanessa Smith likes to shield staff like she's their mother, sacrificing people like me and then demonising . I thought I was alone, but after seeking out others, the scandals at this Trust are widespread. Don't think the absence of a formal complaint means anything. You've seen what the bullying head of complaints, Edith Adejobi, does to people who complaint. She likes to hold their treatment to ransom. All of those in management positions really ought to show some humility. There's little to be smug about.
The biggest insult of all was the cynical way the Chief Nurse, Vanessa Smith, attempted to belittle my struggles, with her (made up) references to my 'high functioning' Autism, my 'capacity' etc. How dare she. Truly, how dare she pass any comment on how I get through every day. It was made considerably more difficult by the way her disgraceful staff treated me. That's what she should be focusing on. For a nurse, she lacks any ability to empathise or understand how their actions affect people. After my dad called the crisis line after I jumped out of a car, he was told by the team there that I had to call myself (after they'd discharged me via text) and she wrote in my notes that my dad 'reluctantly' thanked her and hung up. Do you see how self absorbed these people are? That was what this person on duty thought was important info to document. Nothing about me or the reason for calling. Even in moments of crisis, they tried to paint my father is bad and nasty. Even when at your lowest they wrote about their subjective feelings in MY medical records. How dare they. The good thing is, none of them are very bright. Without the power that comes with their positions, they really couldn't do much harm. They rely on people not doing the work and joining the dots, collecting the evidence, building the full, ugly picture. I have. I did it for them. And I'm going to sing like a canary. I know there are other families who've been demonised for their fight to help their relatives, patients who turned to that trust for help and instead got pushed off a cliff. Then told that they jumped. Vanessa Smith is one of the unfortunately increasingly common mental health workers that thinks that services only care for those who don't have 'capacity', and she thinks that only people who are inpatient are entitled to any sort of accountability. She thinks people like me complaining are just a nuisance. All I can say is thank goodness she isn't clinical staff.
Whenever you see those cold, copy and pasted statements from Trusts sending their condolences to the family of a dead patient, saying they'll 'learn lessons', imagine Vanessa Smith. She thinks nothing I said matters because I didn't die, and even if I did, I 'have capacity'. I'll remember that. Because that's all they care about. Are you dead? Even if you are…can we wriggle out of it?
Two weeks after I jumped out of a car, injuring my shoulder and refusing to go to the hospital with paramedics because I couldn't subject myself to potentially more disgusting treatment from so-called mental health professionals, I had one last appointment with the vile Dr Bindman. It had been arranged before he'd discharged me via text. Do you know what this repulsive man said, knowing full well what had happened? He said everyone wanted to get rid of me. When I challenge him by saying that I had no problems with the previous doctor or any others, he laughed at me and said he's 'reading between the lines'. Remember that when SLaM posts patronising crap about suicide prevention. That is the calibre of person they hire and protect. Oh and despite 3 referrals direct from emergency services, Jonathan Bindman lied in my discharge letter about 'not needing or using any crisis or emergency services'. He initially didn't send me a copy of the discharge letter…I wonder why? I had to ask for it. Oh but he made time to go and write that he had offered 'intervention' I had declined. No wonder John Lavelle said his actions were 'GMC referable'. So why didn't you, Mr Lavelle? The same family that Vanessa Smith tried to paint as monsters, we're the ones that stood by me whilst her and her embarrassing staff failed over and over, and she covered their backs.
Not once did those people even try to view me as a human being. I was just a nuisance, a threat. The real threat still works for them, obviously. I spent so many years running. I did what I could to survive, and to try and protect myself. When I moved for university I saw it as a fresh start, a chance to build my own life and give me and others I care about peace. This Trust turned it into a nightmare. My dad collapsed from the stress. The likes of Vanessa Smith had the audacity to say I wasn't part of the 'local population' and therefore I wasn't entitled to anything, despite living in the area. Her reason? My postcode from 3 years ago, before I moved. I'd happily explain the concept of globalisation to Ms Smith in order for her to understand that people don't stay in one place these days, but somehow I think it won't register with her. I haven't spent nights in the rain and cold, in other people's beds, with a bag always packed and ready to run, even to this day, just for ignorant bullies like Vanessa Smith to tell me where I belong. She should stay in her lane. She really tried to tell me the new life I was making for myself wasn't real, was invalid. Well, good thing she has no say in the matter, despite what her inflated ego makes her think. Yes she didn't know why saying what she did would cut deep, but even if she did she'd say that's my problem. And anyway, it doesn't change the fact that she doesn't get to make up rules to suit her agenda. I'm not trying to sound self pitying here, I'm simply highlighting that often the people sitting in their little offices, taking pictures for twitter, have no bloody clue what they're talking about. So they should just be quiet.
Having both chosen and been forced to move locations before, sometimes for months at a time, to have a Chief Nurse of a mental health Trust try to deny me care and make my position feel precarious is despicable. Shameful, really. It's also entirely illegitimate. That sense of feeling unwanted everywhere you go, feeling like a burden and an imposition, I carry that with me every day. Shame on a Chief Nurse for stooping so low, and for being too lazy to check that's she not actually just talking rubbish.
Vanessa Smith cynically used my situation to say that the Trust didn't owe me any help at all. She said they have to make sure resources are available to the 'local population', and implied that that didn't include me because my parents live elsewhere and I see my parents. She actually has no idea about my family situation, or my life, apart from what she snooped in my medical records. All that mattered was that my address was in the area. I owe nobody, especially the likes of Vanessa Smith, an explanation about my comings and goings. This horrible woman used my personal information to say I don't belong. So nobody misunderstands, I haven't lived at home for 3 years because 1. I went to uni. 2. I didn't feel safe or at peace at home. It makes me feel sick to know that someone like Vanessa Smith can freely go snooping through all my private medical records and pick out information to use against me in a letter justifying the mistreatment I faced by her Trust. She's an absolute disgrace. And she will answer for it. She is nothing more than a bully. All of them are. Some people in mental health services love the power trip of it. Somebody tell them that, despite what they may think, they are not entitled to any information about somebody's life. All of it is privileged access, and only with consent, and only to be used in ways that the patient consents to.
Her aim was to make me feel like my presence at that Trust, and my access to services, was somehow conditional on her goodwill. It is not down to any individual, and they will answer for the way they've deliberately made me feel.
I wish I didn't, but I remember every single thing that happened. Some of it I'm too embarrassed and ashamed to even write. They make you feel dirty, awful, bad. The hardest thing with everything is trying to come to terms with the fact that nobody may ever truly know me. People think thoughts like that are fanciful, but they're not. They're real and they're serious. How are you meant to go through this life with no witness, not knowing what's true and what's not. This Trust that was meant to help, gaslit me about my entire experience, even my life before I ever encountered them. They caused my family nothing but heartache and stress. And I bear that guilt. It hurts so much. What has been achieved after all of this? Nothing. Nobody can even hold hope for me. Not because it's so bad, but because to them it just doesn't matter. Do you know how much it hurts?
