thaelyana
One day, I am gonna grow wings
- Jun 28, 2025
- 109
Good evening. It's 1:50 a.m. in France.
Every night, when I'm lying in my miserable bed or sitting on the couch in my miserable living room, I realize just how empty and useless I feel. I stare at the dark wall and breathe aimlessly, music playing in my ears.
This feeling — this growing sense that I'm worthless — only gets stronger with time. I feel like I serve no purpose. I have nothing. I am nothing. And I hate my life.
There's this constant emptiness inside me that never leaves, no matter where I am or who I'm with. It's a weight I carry without pause.
I feel pathetic. I'm not even really living, and yet I still somehow want to die.
I've felt this way for five years, since I was 13. I'm 18 now.
Five years of emptiness. Sometimes things seem to get better, but it never lasts.
Constantly, I feel like I'm slowly drowning — like my body is being crushed, like I'm holding my breath endlessly and will never be able to breathe out. I'm not living, I'm surviving. I try to get better, but nothing changes. Nothing feels right.
Sometimes. Often. All the time — the thought of ending it crosses my mind. But I'm scared. Scared I'll fail, scared I'll survive and disappoint everyone.
That fear keeps me here. So I stay trapped in a life I didn't choose.
Sometimes I think about ways to go, but I have nothing — no SN, no time alone at home to hang myself. Nothing.
And deep down, I think what I really want is help.
I'm holding on because I don't have another choice. But it's hard…
I'm ashamed to write all of this. My life feels like a desert. I'm alone, with no friends, and everything feels stuck. I'm bored, I'm in pain, and I don't know how to escape it.
It's like I'm watching someone live a shitty life from the outside — like I'm just a spectator watching someone try to give meaning to something that has none.
On the day we got our university placement results, I felt humiliated. I was the only one who got nothing. The others had everything they wanted. They laughed together and said things like, "Don't worry, you'll get it later," while clearly mocking me.
I felt ashamed just to exist.
I tried talking about how I feel to some friends. Nobody really listens. Just a quick "hang in there"… and then silence.
Sometimes, I wish someone would give me a reason to die — like some trauma would push me past the fear and I'd finally go through with it.
How do 13-year-old kids manage to do it, and not me?
It just makes me feel even more worthless.
Every night, when I'm lying in my miserable bed or sitting on the couch in my miserable living room, I realize just how empty and useless I feel. I stare at the dark wall and breathe aimlessly, music playing in my ears.
This feeling — this growing sense that I'm worthless — only gets stronger with time. I feel like I serve no purpose. I have nothing. I am nothing. And I hate my life.
There's this constant emptiness inside me that never leaves, no matter where I am or who I'm with. It's a weight I carry without pause.
I feel pathetic. I'm not even really living, and yet I still somehow want to die.
I've felt this way for five years, since I was 13. I'm 18 now.
Five years of emptiness. Sometimes things seem to get better, but it never lasts.
Constantly, I feel like I'm slowly drowning — like my body is being crushed, like I'm holding my breath endlessly and will never be able to breathe out. I'm not living, I'm surviving. I try to get better, but nothing changes. Nothing feels right.
Sometimes. Often. All the time — the thought of ending it crosses my mind. But I'm scared. Scared I'll fail, scared I'll survive and disappoint everyone.
That fear keeps me here. So I stay trapped in a life I didn't choose.
Sometimes I think about ways to go, but I have nothing — no SN, no time alone at home to hang myself. Nothing.
And deep down, I think what I really want is help.
I'm holding on because I don't have another choice. But it's hard…
I'm ashamed to write all of this. My life feels like a desert. I'm alone, with no friends, and everything feels stuck. I'm bored, I'm in pain, and I don't know how to escape it.
It's like I'm watching someone live a shitty life from the outside — like I'm just a spectator watching someone try to give meaning to something that has none.
On the day we got our university placement results, I felt humiliated. I was the only one who got nothing. The others had everything they wanted. They laughed together and said things like, "Don't worry, you'll get it later," while clearly mocking me.
I felt ashamed just to exist.
I tried talking about how I feel to some friends. Nobody really listens. Just a quick "hang in there"… and then silence.
Sometimes, I wish someone would give me a reason to die — like some trauma would push me past the fear and I'd finally go through with it.
How do 13-year-old kids manage to do it, and not me?
It just makes me feel even more worthless.
