Recently I bought everything I need to ctb. It costed me like 20 bucks.
Poverty will be one of my main reasons to commit suicide. In some years my parents will retire. They have their hopes up I will have finished college until then to carry the financials of this family. LMAO. I told them countless of times because of their child abuse I am a mental wreck that will never be able to hold a job. I was fired twice in the past after a very short period of time.
I have some savings. It could postpone my suicide. It is over 10 k but not much more. The German conservative party wants to fuck unemployed people even more so that they have to give away their savings immediately if they become unemployed. They will very likely win the next election.
There was a time I simulated poverty because I was so anxious about poverty. It was living hell combined with my mental agony. One of my friends told me (speaking about video games) if I was in your position I would enjoy them as long as possible. This suggestion really helped me. Since I re-started college I motivated me with buying me stuff. For example I bought a Playstation 5.
My personal philosophy when it comes to savings and suicide is the following. I think my relationship to suicide is similar to stories of Kafka. I try to run away from it as best as possible while the game is rigged against me and I was meant to lose this fight from the beggining. I am scared to be cornered and forced to do it but it is obviously that it wil come to this. First, I wanted to save a maximum amount but with a new welfare reform this might be useless anyway. I changed my strategy already. I buy me stuff to increase my happiness level (which is usually very low) sometimes. My mom told me I should not spend so much money. But it is a weird relationship she always tells me she can buy me stuff and do not have to pay for it. I barely pay with my own money. Such things give me a guilty conscience to off myself while they are still alive. They truely love me. (My parents). However, I have doubts whether I will have the capacity to see myself disappointing them when we will live in poverty in some years. I am not sure when there will be the right time to off myself.
I still try to run away. It feels good that death is that cheap. Even spending these 20 bucks for death felt sort of weird. But still it is worth it compared to the risks of other methods like train. So the thought was irrational. I am in the middle ground of this debate. I stopped to save every penny I could. At the same time I don't want to waste my money (which I might do sometimes but that's another story). My main concern is the following. I really really hate the notion of being cornered. But this will happen in some time. Spending my money will increase that feeling. And I am scared of that.
Okay I will tell it. I spent some money on online dating recently and it was a full waste of money. Noone showed interest in me which ruins my self-esteem even further. Really I got so so bad depressed and suicidal when I realized it. It was not much money but I feel so fucking stupid. And it shows me how hopeless my chance to find a gf truely is. Makes me want to kill myself even more. My life is literally encouraging me to commit suicide someone should lock it away. Together with the conservatives who want to drive unemployed and desperate people into committing suicide supported by most mainstream media outlets who love to posture as the saviors of vulnerable people when it comes to assisted suicide. Fuck off!
Poverty will be one of my main reasons to commit suicide. In some years my parents will retire. They have their hopes up I will have finished college until then to carry the financials of this family. LMAO. I told them countless of times because of their child abuse I am a mental wreck that will never be able to hold a job. I was fired twice in the past after a very short period of time.
I have some savings. It could postpone my suicide. It is over 10 k but not much more. The German conservative party wants to fuck unemployed people even more so that they have to give away their savings immediately if they become unemployed. They will very likely win the next election.
There was a time I simulated poverty because I was so anxious about poverty. It was living hell combined with my mental agony. One of my friends told me (speaking about video games) if I was in your position I would enjoy them as long as possible. This suggestion really helped me. Since I re-started college I motivated me with buying me stuff. For example I bought a Playstation 5.
My personal philosophy when it comes to savings and suicide is the following. I think my relationship to suicide is similar to stories of Kafka. I try to run away from it as best as possible while the game is rigged against me and I was meant to lose this fight from the beggining. I am scared to be cornered and forced to do it but it is obviously that it wil come to this. First, I wanted to save a maximum amount but with a new welfare reform this might be useless anyway. I changed my strategy already. I buy me stuff to increase my happiness level (which is usually very low) sometimes. My mom told me I should not spend so much money. But it is a weird relationship she always tells me she can buy me stuff and do not have to pay for it. I barely pay with my own money. Such things give me a guilty conscience to off myself while they are still alive. They truely love me. (My parents). However, I have doubts whether I will have the capacity to see myself disappointing them when we will live in poverty in some years. I am not sure when there will be the right time to off myself.
I still try to run away. It feels good that death is that cheap. Even spending these 20 bucks for death felt sort of weird. But still it is worth it compared to the risks of other methods like train. So the thought was irrational. I am in the middle ground of this debate. I stopped to save every penny I could. At the same time I don't want to waste my money (which I might do sometimes but that's another story). My main concern is the following. I really really hate the notion of being cornered. But this will happen in some time. Spending my money will increase that feeling. And I am scared of that.
Okay I will tell it. I spent some money on online dating recently and it was a full waste of money. Noone showed interest in me which ruins my self-esteem even further. Really I got so so bad depressed and suicidal when I realized it. It was not much money but I feel so fucking stupid. And it shows me how hopeless my chance to find a gf truely is. Makes me want to kill myself even more. My life is literally encouraging me to commit suicide someone should lock it away. Together with the conservatives who want to drive unemployed and desperate people into committing suicide supported by most mainstream media outlets who love to posture as the saviors of vulnerable people when it comes to assisted suicide. Fuck off!
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