Since I've joined here I've mainly vented about my struggles with mental health and addiction. But there is more to the story, something much more physical and tangible.
In 2021, at the ripe age of 25, I had a corpectomy (removal of verterbra) of the C4-C5 cervical bone in my neck, followed by a spinal fusion procedure.
I can't really pinpoint a singular event that led to my needing this surgery. Since I was 18 I dealt with significant neck pain and stiffness, which only worsened with time. I had an MRI done around then and was prescribed physical therapy and cervical "stretching" equipment to lessen the nerve pressure. However, coming from a poor family, I wasn't able to sustain treatment for long. Symptoms included constant dull pain in my neck and upper back, and if I slept wrong I would wake up to completely numb arms that had to "wake up" like if you sat on your foot for too long.
This lasted to varying severity throughout college. Bouts of physical therapy were only to lessen symptoms. During grad school, I had a car accident that was mild, or so I thought. Then, as a soon-to-be dietitian doing rotations at a hospital, my preceptors only took the stairs (stairs = healthy), and I of course did as well. It was here I started to notice that my legs were starting to become numb, that my knees were increasingly buckling under my own weight. I could no longer feel my feet, especially my toes, and it was spreading to my thighs. I had also realized that, from separate familial drama, my mom was withholding critical medical care from me under the guise of it being too expensive.
Being newly "estranged", I scheduled my own MRI and was called a day later to speak with the doctor. He told me that I was quickly on the path to being paralyzed, at the least in my legs. There was a surgery to "correct" it, but even after surgery there was a 50/50 chance of me walking again. Now all alone with no family, I wept and agreed.
Fast forward to now. I'm a 29 year old male. I can definitely still walk, by the grace of some divine intervention. Still, I have significant numbness in my thighs, my knees, and pulses of "electricity" in my right foot, all throughout the day. And the pain is constant. From the outside, nothing looks physically wrong - I just look like a scrawny white dude who doesn't work out and who weirdly rolls and stretches his neck all the time.
I was never a physically fit guy. But now, as a dietitian and someone who has wanted to make a turn for the better, physical exercise and especially weight lifting terrifies me. I want to workout, but the few times that I have, it leaves me with temporarily increased numbness in my legs and intensified stiffness and nagging pain from the upper back up.
Part of my suicidality is rooted in my self esteem issues - I do not meet the expected physicality of a 29 year old male, especially a dietitian, and this nags at my mind daily. But I am met with the sheer fact that if I try to better myself in this aspect, I am risking further loss of mobility, aka my freedom in this life. I ran off to a different city with the surgery bill left unpaid, so I can't particularly ask the medical practice to forward my surgery information to new providers where I am now, in an effort to get proper guidance for my physical limitations.
I am laying propped up in bed now, after "decompressing" my neck via laying on a foam roller and pulling my head upwards, which results in popping in my neck and quick "relief" of some of my symptoms. I'm only 29. I have so much "life to live", but every day leaves me crippled with muscle tension and cracking sounds. I cannot logically anticipate that my symptoms will lessen with time, but instead, they will likely get worse.
But again, from the outside looking in, I just look like a loser who doesn't take care of himself. I am weak, scrawny, and yearn for the time I spend laying propped up so my muscles can rest. This has obviously affected my social and romantic life, as I cannot participate in the majority of activities the people my age do.
This, along with the crushing mental health issues I have, makes it virtually impossible to see a pleasant future for myself. My therapist genuinely told me Friday that I need to "change my perspective" to get better mentally, but the cards are physically stacked against me.
If you actually read this, I must ask you - Wouldn't you want to give up if you were in my shoes?
In 2021, at the ripe age of 25, I had a corpectomy (removal of verterbra) of the C4-C5 cervical bone in my neck, followed by a spinal fusion procedure.
I can't really pinpoint a singular event that led to my needing this surgery. Since I was 18 I dealt with significant neck pain and stiffness, which only worsened with time. I had an MRI done around then and was prescribed physical therapy and cervical "stretching" equipment to lessen the nerve pressure. However, coming from a poor family, I wasn't able to sustain treatment for long. Symptoms included constant dull pain in my neck and upper back, and if I slept wrong I would wake up to completely numb arms that had to "wake up" like if you sat on your foot for too long.
This lasted to varying severity throughout college. Bouts of physical therapy were only to lessen symptoms. During grad school, I had a car accident that was mild, or so I thought. Then, as a soon-to-be dietitian doing rotations at a hospital, my preceptors only took the stairs (stairs = healthy), and I of course did as well. It was here I started to notice that my legs were starting to become numb, that my knees were increasingly buckling under my own weight. I could no longer feel my feet, especially my toes, and it was spreading to my thighs. I had also realized that, from separate familial drama, my mom was withholding critical medical care from me under the guise of it being too expensive.
Being newly "estranged", I scheduled my own MRI and was called a day later to speak with the doctor. He told me that I was quickly on the path to being paralyzed, at the least in my legs. There was a surgery to "correct" it, but even after surgery there was a 50/50 chance of me walking again. Now all alone with no family, I wept and agreed.
Fast forward to now. I'm a 29 year old male. I can definitely still walk, by the grace of some divine intervention. Still, I have significant numbness in my thighs, my knees, and pulses of "electricity" in my right foot, all throughout the day. And the pain is constant. From the outside, nothing looks physically wrong - I just look like a scrawny white dude who doesn't work out and who weirdly rolls and stretches his neck all the time.
I was never a physically fit guy. But now, as a dietitian and someone who has wanted to make a turn for the better, physical exercise and especially weight lifting terrifies me. I want to workout, but the few times that I have, it leaves me with temporarily increased numbness in my legs and intensified stiffness and nagging pain from the upper back up.
Part of my suicidality is rooted in my self esteem issues - I do not meet the expected physicality of a 29 year old male, especially a dietitian, and this nags at my mind daily. But I am met with the sheer fact that if I try to better myself in this aspect, I am risking further loss of mobility, aka my freedom in this life. I ran off to a different city with the surgery bill left unpaid, so I can't particularly ask the medical practice to forward my surgery information to new providers where I am now, in an effort to get proper guidance for my physical limitations.
I am laying propped up in bed now, after "decompressing" my neck via laying on a foam roller and pulling my head upwards, which results in popping in my neck and quick "relief" of some of my symptoms. I'm only 29. I have so much "life to live", but every day leaves me crippled with muscle tension and cracking sounds. I cannot logically anticipate that my symptoms will lessen with time, but instead, they will likely get worse.
But again, from the outside looking in, I just look like a loser who doesn't take care of himself. I am weak, scrawny, and yearn for the time I spend laying propped up so my muscles can rest. This has obviously affected my social and romantic life, as I cannot participate in the majority of activities the people my age do.
This, along with the crushing mental health issues I have, makes it virtually impossible to see a pleasant future for myself. My therapist genuinely told me Friday that I need to "change my perspective" to get better mentally, but the cards are physically stacked against me.
If you actually read this, I must ask you - Wouldn't you want to give up if you were in my shoes?
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