Heartaches
Apologizing for my life and ever entering yours
- May 6, 2021
- 261
Big trigger warning since this is gonna be filled with a lot of self-hatred, internalized transphobia, transphobia, gender dysphoria, mention of grooming, self-harm and suicidal ideation
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I can't stand myself. I can't stand this body. I hate myself to the core. There hasn't been a time in my life where I've ever fully and honestly loved myself. I remember hating the vessel I was put on since I was a kid.
I've never wanted to be myself, I've always wished I was another person. Whenever my peers got accolades and adoration, I always wanted the same but never got it to the same extent. This increased my distress. So I always fantasized about the life I wanted to live, I dissociated to cope. But eventually, I would always go back to reality and face the bitter truth.
As it stands, I don't think I've ever hated myself as much as I do now. Going out is a nightmare. I'm very aware that I don't look, act or sound like a man, but a woman, and the world will never stop reminding me of that fact. I'm in the process of trying to get HRT, but it has been slow and tedious due to hormonal and health issues I have to get checked before starting treatment. It sucks. It doesn't help I have distrust for doctors, even those who label themselves as "allies" since, in my experience, they tend to have very narrow, outdated views of trans folks. I've been repeatedly misgendered and mistreated by many of them, because I don't look, act or have the "typical story" society has made to explain our existence. It's emotionally draining and I'm constantly at the defense, like a stray dog who's been hit too many times by strangers; my fangs are always out.
I really want some of the changes HRT will bring, but the time that is taking for everything to get sorted out is making me lose hope. I feel I'll always be stuck at this state.
Even if I transition, I don't know how people will perceive me. I feel alienated from the queer community because I've suffered from transphobia in the past. I felt some people would use my preferred pronouns out of cordiality more than genuine respect, because they would have no problem reducing me to what they perceived me as (a woman) and would attribute experiences or characteristics just on the fact I was AFAB, speaking as if they had lived my life or had any authority on how I felt about myself. I never said anything because I was scared of causing problems, I was scared I would be labelled as a "violent man" if I spoke out, I was afraid of loosing my community. The few times I did speak out, I would be dismissed and lead me to become strained from friend groups and friendships I had relished.
It's like there's nothing worse than being a man and the treatment I've received is because of my decision. Men are violent, disgusting, entitled, egotistical, privileged, the evil of the world. Why would I choose to be something so disgusting and inhuman?
I don't want this to be interpreted to mean that men are the most oppressed group, that men are all good or that all complains about men are invalid. It's not that, I'm not trying to silence or diminish others' experiences. My problem is that being a trans man is a vastly different experience from being cis, we are victimized in specific ways cis men are not, but it is not recognized and we are not listened to, by cishets or other queers. It makes me feel lonely, unsupported. It makes me hate myself, it makes me want to die. I chose to be a disgusting man, a monster. What's a more fitting punishment for a monster than letting it kill itself slowly and painfully?
I feel general apathy for my body but can't help but hurt it. Cutting myself helps me relief the stress. This body was not meant to be loved, it was meant to be hated, abused. Just like my groomers did. I am just a toy for pleasure. I want to destroy myself. I want to feel no pain.
I just wish I was someone else. I want to live other's lives because I see no future in mine. I envy friends and acquaintances, I wish I was as love, adorned, looked out for and pretty as them. I feel I'm not pretty and I'll never be pretty, no matter if I'm a man or woman. Whenever I look at their photos, I wish I was them. It only fuels my disdain for myself even more.
I'm so sad and miserable. I just want to cry, and cry, and cry until I drown in my own tears. I want my arms to be filled with cuts. What did I do to deserve this? I never asked to be born, I never asked for this life. I don't think there's a happy ending for me. I don't think the unfixable can be fixed. I'm just a monster, a hideous, terrifying monster.
-
I can't stand myself. I can't stand this body. I hate myself to the core. There hasn't been a time in my life where I've ever fully and honestly loved myself. I remember hating the vessel I was put on since I was a kid.
I've never wanted to be myself, I've always wished I was another person. Whenever my peers got accolades and adoration, I always wanted the same but never got it to the same extent. This increased my distress. So I always fantasized about the life I wanted to live, I dissociated to cope. But eventually, I would always go back to reality and face the bitter truth.
As it stands, I don't think I've ever hated myself as much as I do now. Going out is a nightmare. I'm very aware that I don't look, act or sound like a man, but a woman, and the world will never stop reminding me of that fact. I'm in the process of trying to get HRT, but it has been slow and tedious due to hormonal and health issues I have to get checked before starting treatment. It sucks. It doesn't help I have distrust for doctors, even those who label themselves as "allies" since, in my experience, they tend to have very narrow, outdated views of trans folks. I've been repeatedly misgendered and mistreated by many of them, because I don't look, act or have the "typical story" society has made to explain our existence. It's emotionally draining and I'm constantly at the defense, like a stray dog who's been hit too many times by strangers; my fangs are always out.
I really want some of the changes HRT will bring, but the time that is taking for everything to get sorted out is making me lose hope. I feel I'll always be stuck at this state.
Even if I transition, I don't know how people will perceive me. I feel alienated from the queer community because I've suffered from transphobia in the past. I felt some people would use my preferred pronouns out of cordiality more than genuine respect, because they would have no problem reducing me to what they perceived me as (a woman) and would attribute experiences or characteristics just on the fact I was AFAB, speaking as if they had lived my life or had any authority on how I felt about myself. I never said anything because I was scared of causing problems, I was scared I would be labelled as a "violent man" if I spoke out, I was afraid of loosing my community. The few times I did speak out, I would be dismissed and lead me to become strained from friend groups and friendships I had relished.
It's like there's nothing worse than being a man and the treatment I've received is because of my decision. Men are violent, disgusting, entitled, egotistical, privileged, the evil of the world. Why would I choose to be something so disgusting and inhuman?
I don't want this to be interpreted to mean that men are the most oppressed group, that men are all good or that all complains about men are invalid. It's not that, I'm not trying to silence or diminish others' experiences. My problem is that being a trans man is a vastly different experience from being cis, we are victimized in specific ways cis men are not, but it is not recognized and we are not listened to, by cishets or other queers. It makes me feel lonely, unsupported. It makes me hate myself, it makes me want to die. I chose to be a disgusting man, a monster. What's a more fitting punishment for a monster than letting it kill itself slowly and painfully?
I feel general apathy for my body but can't help but hurt it. Cutting myself helps me relief the stress. This body was not meant to be loved, it was meant to be hated, abused. Just like my groomers did. I am just a toy for pleasure. I want to destroy myself. I want to feel no pain.
I just wish I was someone else. I want to live other's lives because I see no future in mine. I envy friends and acquaintances, I wish I was as love, adorned, looked out for and pretty as them. I feel I'm not pretty and I'll never be pretty, no matter if I'm a man or woman. Whenever I look at their photos, I wish I was them. It only fuels my disdain for myself even more.
I'm so sad and miserable. I just want to cry, and cry, and cry until I drown in my own tears. I want my arms to be filled with cuts. What did I do to deserve this? I never asked to be born, I never asked for this life. I don't think there's a happy ending for me. I don't think the unfixable can be fixed. I'm just a monster, a hideous, terrifying monster.
