CTB Fella
Experienced
- Dec 15, 2022
- 268
My Final Word
I can't do this anymore.
I decline to continue.
This monotonous torrent of emptiness, fills me with dread.
I am drowning, suffocating, suffering.
I don't want to be here anymore. I wish to be reunited with my loved ones, on the other side. But survival instinct is so strong. So overpowering. It clings to me, battling me, right until the very end. It takes a great deal of skill, and experience to overcome.
Which I have successfully achieved, many times.
I actually should have been gone from here a long time ago, but they keep bringing me back. Why? What the fuck kind of world is this? This is not living, this is torture, on a systemic scale.
And I'm done.
I want to feel unconditional love again, I want to feel like I belong again, I want to … feel again.
I am an empty vessel, floating on the waves of insanity. And my SOS is not being received.
I must find my tribe. Those who understand me, and do not wish to dissect my mind, perplex it with drugs, and detain me against my will, for possessing knowledge which they are simply unable to comprehend.
The intrusive thoughts, once again, are circling their prey. Assuring me that I know what must be done. The cadence intensifies by the day, and this time, leaping to the afterlife is the method they have chosen. I have been close before, on the precipice between hell, and freedom, but I admit, my body and mind were paralysed with fear.
I must do this.
I WILL do this.
And no one can stop me, this time. My intellectual superiority will guide me through any obstacle. Like a ballerina, I will pirouette out of this world, and into the next.
I am listening to my exit playlist, as I write this. Music truly is an excellent tool, when attempting to take one's life. Lyrics take on new meanings, and a song can be twisted and obscured in one's mind, to fulfil any desire. It both angers, and inspires me, simultaneously. Intricately entwined, my mind loses itself, and finds itself. It gets me onto the right path, the only path, the path that my soul so desperately needs to be on.
I'll show everyone just how much distress I am in. Totally sober, I'll let adrenalin be my fuel. Rumination, chanting, music, my nan, and the sheer desire to no longer exist in this realm is a formidable cocktail.
I've used it before.
I'll use it again.
I want it to be different, this time. No more tranquil overdoses, with too high a degree of failure. Fuck that. Jumping, the true warrior's exit. My body will implode on impact, and blood will scatter, like a beautiful piece of art. When combined with my strategy, this will truly be a masterpiece, a benchmark, for others to follow. I'm not going out quietly, this time. I will leave my mark on this world, clearly demonstrating what it has done to me.
I will be remembered for this one.
I hope to inspire others, who, like me, are imprisoned in this alien landscape.
