Staying to contemplate ?

[Lintaga]

wonder if anyone has experienced a crisis so profoundly spiritual that it has pulled you at least one step from the edge ? i have had my entire plan set out for a little more than a week. I had some obligations that came up where some animals depended on me for care, and since they are not humans and don't suck, i obliged. within that time, i randomly found a video on the crisis of existence.
this lead me down an entire rabbit hole of philosophers, so many of their theories and ideas are in direct alignment with what i have been processing and feeling in the darkest parts of myself, especially when i am alone with my own intrusive thoughts.

my boyfriend took his life february 13 2020 by jumping off a bridge that sits nearly 500 feet off of the surface of the water below.
before he passed, we had barely been dating for two months. (we had previously become best friends bout 8 months prior after a night of doing coke together with mutual friends.) we could talk about a lot of things. one of the things off limits a lot of the time for him was him emotions, surprise, surprise!
long story kinda short, we were completely shocked when his roommate and i found his car parked at the bridge. later the next day at the sheriffs office not long after they found his body, i found out that he was HIV positive and nobody knew except him. i was completely devastated and had to get tested immediately after, luckily it came back negative.
about two months after he died, COVID hit the U.S. and we were shut down. soon after that, the whole world was grieving and mine got lost within the loudest and most devastating parts of the pandemic. i stopped allowing myself to feel many things because of imposter syndrome -- so much of the world was facing much deeper problems and a major depression settled that accompanied a lack of desire to function at all. so who cared about my tiny little grief? it was a drop in the hurricane that was COVID shutdown and still long after it has been muddled into an unrecognizable liquid with no known use and no knowledge on how to store it.
lots of time has passed, many thoughts have come and gone and those that stayed have morphed into terrifying and relentless weights that find new ways to torture me through emotional gravity.
i cant help but want death, because it is the most truest form we will ever be.
but i also cant help but want life, because the absurdity of it seems to be a playground to get lost in before i am to return back home before the street lights turn on.
i don't know what to do.
life is the greatest mystery, and a small percentage of me wants to continue to beg the questions.
that life seemed to have come from nothing still means it is something, but it also means nothing outside of the very realm in which it initially became something.
so do i really have a desire to live simply to continue asking stupid questions about the universe and metaphysics?
or is the apathy i feel as inescapable as i think ? that no matter how many questions i tie to myself, i will never be able to float like everyone else seems to do, and with such ease.
a part of me wants to think that all of us on this website are the sane ones and everyone else that plays into the crazy absurdities of the world and the encapsulated societies are the delusional ones who do more harm than good -- by preventing knowledge that should be accessed by everyone and promoting discussions on death, the desire of suicide, the deep consciousness of the human psyche that also involves our deep inherent inquisitions humans naturally have about the afterlife. theres so much more than many of us are taught and i hate how stupid many humans are. theyve made the world so unbearably gross and deprived.
if you couldnt already tell, im having that kind of crisis that is blacker than the blackest black.
thanks for reading.

 

[Pluto]

I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend. It must have been an incredible shock. It is a very unhealthy situation when we have to avoid processing grief because it seems that other people have it worse.

It sounds like you have a lot to process and it makes sense to stick around to do so. The situation with the animals needing care was not a coincidence. The universe is far more mysterious than that.

As you point out, life itself is the ultimate mystery. The way I see it, the only thing that makes sense is if nothing at all existed. No universe, no consciousness and no one to be aware of the nothingness. Yet here we are, with no business existing! And nothing will ever explain it. I can see why people who are not deeply suffering would be awestruck anew every time this is pointed out.

You are also spot on in pointing out that the 'normies' are in a deluded state. Jiddu Krishnamurti said, "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." And many great and amazing transformations have come about because of people facing these sorts of crises. We must face our own craziness and even death (of the ego), and ideally have some guidance for stability.

If you have any specific questions or goals about this bigger-picture stuff, I could point you towards resources. I've been knee-deep in this stuff for the past 25 years. Near-death studies, spiritual awakening, etc.