Venting Still feeling it

[heirofvoid]

I know I've gotten back on track in the past 2 years since I've entered college again but I still don't like being alive. More so now that I don't really like the course I chose. Yadda yadda "you chose that so stick with it". I don't want to do the whole monologue on why I chose this but it's definitely not even in my top 20 careers to choose from. I was just forced to anyway. I'm just not liking it at all. My brain has been a slop recently when I'm in class, I feel like I'm just lucky enough to be able to memorize so I can ace quizzes and exams which are important but for recitations or reporting, I'm completely fumbling those. I hate embarrassing myself in front of people, I think everyone has high expectations of me because I do well in exams but that's just it. I'm not really a genius.

Although I've been thinking of not wanting to live, I still don't have a concrete plan nor want to act anything out. It's more like just wishing I get into an accident while commuting and hope it ends me for good. Just typical morning prayers. I also just feel so drained most of the time because one of my friends is such a chatterbox. She talks like 24/7 and definitely doesn't have any consideration for the person she's speaking with. A lot of people have told me and my sis that we give off an aura that we will listen to anyone so people tend to overshare with us. I hate it. It's really draining and most of the time they don't even care about you. They just want to talk someone's ear off. When I talk, they don't listen and just look at me weirdly for even trying to respond back.

I just feel so bad this semester. I want to skip my class tomorrow but I think we'll have an activity that might be considered as a quiz. I just really don't want to be around people right now and just go somewhere where no one knows me. The prof isn't that strict but god am I going for the sake of the grade or watch my mental health get fucked again. We just have to play basketball tomorrow and I don't want to because I suck at it. The prof isn't that strict and would only want to see you participate but UGH GOD! I just don't feel good right now. I feel like absolute shit! I don't want to talk to my friends or just anyone tomorrow but I fucking have to! It sucks so bad. I just want to be left alone for one day.

edit: didn't want to make another post so just adding stuff here

Also ever since last year I've really forgotten how to have fun. If I'm not doing any work then I'm just asleep or jacking off. I miss when I used to like playing games, drawing, reading manga or books. Now I could barely do any of those. I feel like I'm losing myself and it's heartbreaking to see myself like this. There's just no motivation in my life but fear. Fear of being embarrassed, fear of being rejected, fear of being scolded. I'm just living because of fear. I can't attempt ALSO because of fear. Fear of it failing and making me worse than I am now. I'm just praying a lost bullet(I forgot if that's the term) will hit me tomorrow or any time this week. I'm tired and I feel so empty. I would choose to leave this world in a heartbeat, I don't care if I haven't done anything I want. I just don't care. All of that doesn't matter when I'm not here anymore.

 

[cyclicism]

A lot of people have told me and my sis that we give off an aura that we will listen to anyone so people tend to overshare with us. I hate it. It's really draining and most of the time they don't even care about you. They just want to talk someone's ear off. When I talk, they don't listen and just look at me weirdly for even trying to respond back.

I really struggled with this in high school. I didn't have any friends, so I was content when any person one-sidedly talked my ear off because that was the only thing I could really offer, and it was the only attention I could get (even though I might as well have just been a brick wall). It was only after I made other friends with whom I could actually speak my mind that I realised I didn't actually like being a vault a person justs rattles on to. Which, in turn, led my relationships with said people to crumble, because I wasn't willing to just sit back and listen to them forever.

Although, I don't blame those people. They were chatty, and I was quiet. And I never gave any indication I was bothered with how our interactions went. Until I flat out stopped talking to them, that is.

Ig what I'm trying to say is, if you're able to, just say that you're not in that big of a talking or listening mood. And if you aren't close enough with her to say that, or if you just plain dont like her, then limit your interactions wherepossible.

Also ever since last year I've really forgotten how to have fun. If I'm not doing any work then I'm just asleep or jacking off. I miss when I used to like playing games, drawing, reading manga or books. Now I could barely do any of those. I feel like I'm losing myself and it's heartbreaking to see myself like this. There's just no motivation in my life but fear.

God, have you considered not being so damned relatable? Hits like a punch to the face. Lack of motivation and desire fucking sucks, what is there to live for if nothing is enjoyable anymore?

I just feel so bad this semester. I want to skip my class tomorrow but I think we'll have an activity that might be considered as a quiz.

If you can, try to maintain the fear that keeps you doing school assignments. (big ask, i know) Losing that principle is as equally freeing as it is damning. Crawling to keep yourself above passing becomes 100x harder. If you have a planned date, doesn't really matter. But if you don't, it's just a shitshow for your future self to pull themself out of.

(also sorry for giving advice if that's not what you're in the mood for. I know how shitty it feels for someone to try and 'fix' the problem when u just want them to listen)

Feel free to DM me if you want to vent about more things, I feel like we're in pretty similar situations, so if you're interested in yapping it out go ahead >:J