still wanna die

[muteallchat]

how do you quit this suicidal state?
attempted sn unsuccessfully, from that moment on i been like fuck it, lets try to do smth at least, im too much of a pussy anyway for any other method
but sometimes i still fail to do basic things like making my bed or brushing my teeth, sometimes i just wake up and dont feel like it, like im still in that state i was in before i attempted ctb
kkinda like bipolar shit, barely eat, barely sleep, doing nothing. but sometimes ill wake up and live my most productive day ever, maybe even 2 or 3, and then weeks of nothing
i cant really control this shit, sometimes slight failure will spark a chain reaction of self-reflecting that will lead to the final thought of me recalling i was bred by poor alcoholics, they cursed my life by following their monkey instincts to FUCK)) like all 0iq NPCs do, therefore, they didn't care about me, so why the fuck would i even continue living. this fucking thought cant let me rest, it always haunts me, fills me with grief, prevents me from doing a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g. but if i dont do anything, it will be even worse later. god i wanna kill myself fr with this mess in my head, not even kill, simply disappear, like that card from hearthstone, that removed a minion, like it never existed. at the same time i wanna be a biorobot that knows no emotions.

sorry for this mess i might have developed adhd from endless doomscrolling i hope yall got my message

 

[hoppybunny]

I get what you mean. I'm on the path to recovery myself and one thing that has rely helped is learning to hype yourself up for basic shit even if no one cares. Also leaving situations that make you feel worse even if you may face backlash.

Now im not saying quit your job immediately if you have one and it's making you feel worse cause if you have no backup job you're gonna feel a different kind of suffering. But I'll try to recount things I did when I was at a point where me spilling a bowl of rice made me want to jump from my window, so my first problem was that I really hated my school. It was very competitive and I couldn't even switch to the major I wanted because of how bad my GPA was from failing and my poor attendance from rotting in bed all day.

I was like if I just quit school now my parents will kick me out so I should just kill myself but then I decided since I was going to kill myself I may as well quit school and do it after I saw what happened.

I quit my school and transferred to an easier and less competitive school although finding the drive to commute is going to be super hard. I should've picked an online or close by school. My mistake honestly. And I'm privileged enough to not have been kicked out by my parents after making that choice. My Dad did still beat me cause I didn't want to talk about why I quit since i didn't want to worry them with my suicide thoughts but now they just call me lazy cause I sleep a lot and make fun of me for failing.

But despite how shitty it is to live at home again I no longer feel like killing myself over every inconvenience because I've taken myself our of the environment that increased my suffering.

But while I was there things that kept me sane was celebrating the days I did wake up. Or rewarding myself for those random productive days. And in my second year my roomate was so nice and would also praise me on those days too.

So long story short, you're incredibly strong for getting this far despite your upbringing and I'm proud of you. Even on those days you lay in bed or those days where you do nothing. I'm proud of you for staying alive and I'm delighted for you on days where all you can do is brush your teeth. And I'm ecstatic on the days you're super productive. Good job and I believe in you.

 

[okuhvtuji]

how do you quit this suicidal state?
attempted sn unsuccessfully, from that moment on i been like fuck it, lets try to do smth at least, im too much of a pussy anyway for any other method
but sometimes i still fail to do basic things like making my bed or brushing my teeth, sometimes i just wake up and dont feel like it, like im still in that state i was in before i attempted ctb
kkinda like bipolar shit, barely eat, barely sleep, doing nothing. but sometimes ill wake up and live my most productive day ever, maybe even 2 or 3, and then weeks of nothing
i cant really control this shit, sometimes slight failure will spark a chain reaction of self-reflecting that will lead to the final thought of me recalling i was bred by poor alcoholics, they cursed my life by following their monkey instincts to FUCK)) like all 0iq NPCs do, therefore, they didn't care about me, so why the fuck would i even continue living. this fucking thought cant let me rest, it always haunts me, fills me with grief, prevents me from doing a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g. but if i dont do anything, it will be even worse later. god i wanna kill myself fr with this mess in my head, not even kill, simply disappear, like that card from hearthstone, that removed a minion, like it never existed. at the same time i wanna be a biorobot that knows no emotions.

sorry for this mess i might have developed adhd from endless doomscrolling i hope yall got my message

How did you survive SN? I'll be ctb soon and I'm worried about all these ppl saying they failed

 

[muteallchat]

I get what you mean. I'm on the path to recovery myself and one thing that has rely helped is learning to hype yourself up for basic shit even if no one cares. Also leaving situations that make you feel worse even if you may face backlash.

Now im not saying quit your job immediately if you have one and it's making you feel worse cause if you have no backup job you're gonna feel a different kind of suffering. But I'll try to recount things I did when I was at a point where me spilling a bowl of rice made me want to jump from my window, so my first problem was that I really hated my school. It was very competitive and I couldn't even switch to the major I wanted because of how bad my GPA was from failing and my poor attendance from rotting in bed all day.

I was like if I just quit school now my parents will kick me out so I should just kill myself but then I decided since I was going to kill myself I may as well quit school and do it after I saw what happened.

I quit my school and transferred to an easier and less competitive school although finding the drive to commute is going to be super hard. I should've picked an online or close by school. My mistake honestly. And I'm privileged enough to not have been kicked out by my parents after making that choice. My Dad did still beat me cause I didn't want to talk about why I quit since i didn't want to worry them with my suicide thoughts but now they just call me lazy cause I sleep a lot and make fun of me for failing.

But despite how shitty it is to live at home again I no longer feel like killing myself over every inconvenience because I've taken myself our of the environment that increased my suffering.

But while I was there things that kept me sane was celebrating the days I did wake up. Or rewarding myself for those random productive days. And in my second year my roomate was so nice and would also praise me on those days too.

So long story short, you're incredibly strong for getting this far despite your upbringing and I'm proud of you. Even on those days you lay in bed or those days where you do nothing. I'm proud of you for staying alive and I'm delighted for you on days where all you can do is brush your teeth. And I'm ecstatic on the days you're super productive. Good job and I believe in you.

man i was writing a long ass message but i couldn't finish my thought and bother you with reading that mess. i just want to say thank you for this post, it was a great read. unlike my day, that went incredibly terrible

 

[hoppybunny]

man i was writing a long ass message but i couldn't finish my thought and bother you with reading that mess. i just want to say thank you for this post, it was a great read. unlike my day, that went incredibly terrible

It would never be a bother. I hope u have better days

 

[muteallchat]

How did you survive SN? I'll be ctb soon and I'm worried about all these ppl saying they failed

it was most likely not pure enough, i didnt bother testing it at all, simply woke up 11 hours after with terrible stomachache and headache

 

[derpyderpins]

how do you quit this suicidal state?

What a question. Of course there is no easy answer.

I wanted to say that I relate to the productivity issues. It's how I live my life and it is stressful. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, then bam I can do a bunch (normally because I HAVE to.)

As to the question, everyone's situation and issues are different. I recommend learning and understanding that. A lot of people here and on other places I see have a hard time accepting that, seeing only themselves and those similar to them and then all other people lumped in a box called "other." You have to try and identify what it is that you need to improve or change, then take reasonable steps in the right direction, accepting that there might be setbacks. Learn from others. A lot of people have struggled and found a combination of various methods to help push them in that better direction.

If your parents were shit, just say "fuck 'em." The fact is that you are alive now, so what you do is up to you. What they think or care about ultimately doesn't matter.