Venting Stopped seeing my psychiatrist and now I don't know where to go from here.

[purgedXO]

I started seeing a psychiatrist last year in November and it was an absolute shitshow. I understand that she was the person who'd have to go to the hospital if there was a case, similar to my own and how I met her, and our scheduled appointment would have to be rescheduled. It was the lack of communication and even being lied to and gaslit by the front staff that was one of the reasons that made me want to stop going. Another reason I stopped was due to the fact that my husband and I were moving four hours away, we'd have different insurance, and it would have been such a hassle to transfer over to someone else. I just stopped going. I stopped taking lamictal. It didn't feel like it was doing much for me anyways, not that my psych would have known since I kept getting fucking canceled on.

Anyways, my husband and I are in a stable living situation now. We technically were before, but the situation just wasn't great. First world problems, who cares. I don't know how to tell my husband, "Hey, I need to start seeing a psychiatrist again." without worrying him to death. Last night, I scared the absolute shit out of him because when he got home from a day out, I'm not home. The door is locked. I'm not answering the door. The car is in the driveway, but the keys are missing when he finally did get into the house. I'm not in the house and there's blood on the bathroom floor and a towel. And he has no clue where I am. Not a fun time.

I don't want to scare him and have him think the same thing is going to happen, or worse. I'm also scared of going to a psychiatrist because I have a feeling they're going to tell me I should see a therapist. It sounds lazy of me, or like I'm not really looking for a solution. I just don't want to basically pay someone to listen to my problems, that's so bizarre to me. I know it's more than that, but still.

I know what my problem is, I just don't do anything to fix it. I'm too scared too. Everything is so fucking overwhelming and complicated. I don't know how I'm supposed to function like an actual adult?

 

[savory]

I agree, everything is overwhelming and complicated. I understand your concerns being open to your husband. There's growing pressure to rely on ourselves emotionally, or else get a therapist. Last year when I was so depressed I couldn't hide it, my dad asked me if I was taking my medication. That's all he asked or had to say.

Going to therapy and seeing a psychiatrist feels shitty when you don't know what else to do or feel obligated; that's the 'responsible' thing, not necessarily what you've found beneficial. It may make other people around me feel relieved knowing I'm "getting help", but they don't know the reality of it.

It is bizarre sitting across from a stranger you're barred from having a mutual relationship with and telling them your most intimate thoughts. Especially when you have to pay. Worse if they insult and emotionally manipulate you, and it can get worse still. Seeking treatment can be work in itself and easily overwhelming and demoralizing. You're not lazy.