TheHatedOne
Death is salvation
- Sep 26, 2021
- 2,028
Today I'm gonna write about my last suicide attempt and how frustrated I am with myself.
Last year I tried to do partial hanging but it didn't work because, just like with many people who attempted this method I couldn't even make myself pass out.
Things have changed this year and I moved out into a place where I have a good anchor point for full hanging. These days I got a pretty good rope (last year I was doing it with alternatives). So I decided that my new method is full hanging, which is scary imo, even depicted in movies it would scare the shit out of me. But that wasn't a reason for me to give up on it.
Sunday was the last straw for me, having problems in my relationship, being bullied by people on Reddit and in games, realizing that university starts soon and me dreading the subject I study and the people there, having to keep contact with my abusive parents, generally existing in this country, and existing itself which makes me hurt physically every second. Sunday my thought that everyone, ABSOLUTELY everyone on this planet hates me has consolidated. I couldn't take it anymore so I resorted to my new suicide method.
I was getting ready for it (it was a bit of a hassle with the knots but I got it in the end). The setting was finished and ready for me to finally release myself from this suffering. I couldn't wait to go back to the eternal nothingness (or that's how I prefer to think, I have a thought at the back of my mind that life after death isn't probably like this). Couldn't wait to get rid of these hateful, corrupt to the core species who hated me ever since I was born and never wanted me to be part of them. I thought it'd finally be free.
I got standing on the chair and put my head on the emptiness of the rope. At that moment something happened... I started to feel overwhelming anxiety and I felt like I had to throw up. It was too much. It never happened to me before. That feeling of having to throw up was too much. So I got down. I got down on the couch and lied there for hours. Without moving. I hate myself even more since then.
I'm such a fucking pussy and I fear everything, I could be on the Guinness World Record for the most coward person to exist. To think that I have the final salvation seconds away and I can't do it because: 1) I fear that I would fail and that something would go wrong in the 15-30 minutes of being unconscious and I'd end up a vegetable, worse than I was. It's very possible since I'm clumsy and braindead. But that's how it is with the most suicide methods, since we can't kill ourselves as we should with euthanasia, because ''mUh PrOfIt tHaT mY wAgE sLaVeS bRiNg To Me''. 2) The fear of death itself and what could happen after death that I talked about in one of my posts.
I can't believe that I prefer to suffer and I prefer to be stomped on by humans instead of just escaping of this hell. I hate myseslf. I feel like mutilating myself. I'm so desperate so fucking desperate and frustrated. I need help. I wish I was killed.
TL;DR I'm a pussy that can't even kill themself because they're afraid of everything.
Last year I tried to do partial hanging but it didn't work because, just like with many people who attempted this method I couldn't even make myself pass out.
Things have changed this year and I moved out into a place where I have a good anchor point for full hanging. These days I got a pretty good rope (last year I was doing it with alternatives). So I decided that my new method is full hanging, which is scary imo, even depicted in movies it would scare the shit out of me. But that wasn't a reason for me to give up on it.
Sunday was the last straw for me, having problems in my relationship, being bullied by people on Reddit and in games, realizing that university starts soon and me dreading the subject I study and the people there, having to keep contact with my abusive parents, generally existing in this country, and existing itself which makes me hurt physically every second. Sunday my thought that everyone, ABSOLUTELY everyone on this planet hates me has consolidated. I couldn't take it anymore so I resorted to my new suicide method.
I was getting ready for it (it was a bit of a hassle with the knots but I got it in the end). The setting was finished and ready for me to finally release myself from this suffering. I couldn't wait to go back to the eternal nothingness (or that's how I prefer to think, I have a thought at the back of my mind that life after death isn't probably like this). Couldn't wait to get rid of these hateful, corrupt to the core species who hated me ever since I was born and never wanted me to be part of them. I thought it'd finally be free.
I got standing on the chair and put my head on the emptiness of the rope. At that moment something happened... I started to feel overwhelming anxiety and I felt like I had to throw up. It was too much. It never happened to me before. That feeling of having to throw up was too much. So I got down. I got down on the couch and lied there for hours. Without moving. I hate myself even more since then.
I'm such a fucking pussy and I fear everything, I could be on the Guinness World Record for the most coward person to exist. To think that I have the final salvation seconds away and I can't do it because: 1) I fear that I would fail and that something would go wrong in the 15-30 minutes of being unconscious and I'd end up a vegetable, worse than I was. It's very possible since I'm clumsy and braindead. But that's how it is with the most suicide methods, since we can't kill ourselves as we should with euthanasia, because ''mUh PrOfIt tHaT mY wAgE sLaVeS bRiNg To Me''. 2) The fear of death itself and what could happen after death that I talked about in one of my posts.
I can't believe that I prefer to suffer and I prefer to be stomped on by humans instead of just escaping of this hell. I hate myseslf. I feel like mutilating myself. I'm so desperate so fucking desperate and frustrated. I need help. I wish I was killed.
TL;DR I'm a pussy that can't even kill themself because they're afraid of everything.
