Venting struggling tonight

[opheliaoveragain]

I don't make too many posts about myself. usually I can deal but not tonight. i'm angry, i'm sad and scared for any future I might have. it feels so pointless to go on much longer. I tried.

for anyone in recovery (from hard drug abuse) that sees this: I desperately want to just say fuck it and relapse. I just want to feel nothing. I don't have a group locally bc of reasons. I don't feel like I can mentally handle a zoom meeting but I don't have anywhere to express this. I just want that shit in my veins and if this block of text doesn't apply to you be grateful. because it's just one more thing. and once you get to a point of being fully ok with dying that way, your tolerance is through the roof and you merely flirt with death. I have 406 days clean from fent and I do not care. I don't fucking care.

I just want everything to stop. my head is so loud.

 

[-Link-]

You've given so much of yourself to our community here. I hope on a night like this you can take something from it too.

I hear you, and I am very much hoping this loudness comes down for you, asap.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

You've given so much of yourself to our community here. I hope on a night like this you can take something from it too.

I hear you, and I am very much hoping this loudness comes down for you, asap.

you know I always appreciate your words. mean it.

im gonna get some ketamine. it's a safer alternative to what I really want.

in past recent moments like this, practicing partial was something I did. it feels foreign to me at the moment.

not gonna be impulsive despite how bad I feel right now. there's also knowing no one would look for me for 12+ hours.

i'm just gonna get this k and cross my fingers the feeling of wanting to use / act impulsively lessens.

 

[CatLvr]

I am so sorry you are having a tough go of it tonight. I swear it our own voice that does the most damage to us sometimes. I don't have a problem (which is actually pretty amazing given what I am on for pain and how long I have been on it) but that doesn't mean I can't have a ton of compassion for you. I'm around if you wanna chat.

 

[LukaParrot]

Somedays are really hard, when I'm having a heavy day, i take prescribed calming drugs, a little more than i should.

Helps to make the mind to stop going into a spiral of thoughts and makes me sleepy.

Sleep always help a little, it's like a little break to calm down. Hope you get better.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Days like that are horrific. Waking up with your mind screaming the most horrible shit. The urge to just give in and go back to old habits even if it will make things even worse. But on days like that all you can think is, ,"What the fuck does it matter? Everything is shit and not going to get any better and besides, on my own anyway, not like it's going to hurt anyone". I'm describing it kinda poorly, I know. But I also understand the feelings and intensity of what you are going through. I also know it's incredibly difficult to put into words that can make people understand. It's a horrible feeling and you never know when it will suddenly strike. Waking up. Middle of the day when you see or hear something triggering. Sometimes just suddenly out of nowhere with absolutely no rhyme or reason. And people treating you like a pariah. It's brutal and lonely, but, and this is no confort, I know, you're not alone in feeling like this. Just wanted you to know I understand and feel your pain. I hope it passes soon without things getting too out of hand.

 

[SVEN]

A reformed alcoholic myself, I know the type of nightmare you're going through. You know this will pass, if you can only fight on through it. Take what you need to help you endure, just try to make it not to much.
We're thinking of you.

 

[Tig]

Sorry your going through this.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

thank all of you. it's comforting to recognize names and so on. I got my k and it's helping. i'll get through the night.

it's fucky bc my impulse side a long time ago set up a rope. I know my anchors, things have been tested. I still have said rope. back up to back up to the back up plan.

to everyone recovering etc. thank you for GETTING IT. it's a mindfuck to feel like you'd let them chop off a finger for a bag of real H or hell, even fent at this point. but the supply is mega fucked.

the k is somehow still fully safe ie no fent or weird cuts.

thanks for giving a fuck sasu. ily.

 

[glassbottom]

I'm so sorry you are struggling tonight. I hear you. I've been clean for a while myself. I try to remember that when it comes to the many addictive substances and behaviors I've been through, the urges always pass, unless I give into them.
Which doesn't take away the pain or the heartache. I'm glad you found what you need to take some of the edge off and that feels safe to you.
I appreciate you. And I'm sorry that it's like this.

 

[rozeske]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't know what it's like but I only hope you find ways to pull through and keep going.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I'm so sorry you are struggling tonight. I hear you. I've been clean for a while myself. I try to remember that when it comes to the many addictive substances and behaviors I've been through, the urges always pass, unless I give into them.
Which doesn't take away the pain or the heartache. I'm glad you found what you need to take some of the edge off and that feels safe to you.
I appreciate you. And I'm sorry that it's like this.

feel free to dm me. maybe we can share war stories and somehow find humor in it. if no one has told you today, I am proud of you. mean it. I know it's not easy.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't know what it's like but I only hope you find ways to pull through and keep going.

thank you Roz. I always appreciate seeing you around.

the fog is dense tonight. it makes me have intrusive thoughts about car attempts or jump attempts. doing my best to stay still bc we know impulsivity skews results towards failure.

I genuinely appreciate every person who's able to empathize etc. this community means a great deal.

 

[nir]

good on you for going for something safer instead of risking it with the fent!!! it's impressive to choose harm reduction even when you're in such a bad headspace. you should be proud of yourself :) sending you love <3 hope it gets lighter for you soon :)

 

[opheliaoveragain]

good on you for going for something safer instead of risking it with the fent!!! it's impressive to choose harm reduction even when you're in such a bad headspace. you should be proud of yourself :) sending you love <3 hope it gets lighter for you soon :)

appreciate your words always. trying my best.

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

Thank you for sharing and always being so caring on here. Sorry that you are going through this, sending you love in this time

 

[J&L383]

Sleep always help a little, it's like a little break to calm down. Hope you get better.

 

[dontwakemeup]

I hope your night has gotten better and you are resting now. I always take a nap when I feel overwhelmed and need a mental break.

Try taking some sleeping pills on those difficult days and close your eyes.

 

[bigbang33]

I don't know what drug addiction feels like, so I don't want to give advice or express my sympathy simply because I can't relate so that is not my place.

BUT I do want to acknowledge the enormous strength it takes to get clean, and STAY clean, especially during hard times. That is an incredible achievement and it amazes me.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

thank you for all your words. thank you for taking the time to type them. this community means a lot to me.

i'm not sure how much sleep i'll get.

love all of you. mean it.

 

[rozeske]

How are you feeling o? I hope you're better, even if it's just a bit. Keeping you in my thoughts.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm late. I'm sorry you have to go through this but I hope you're feeling better today

 

[opheliaoveragain]

How are you feeling o? I hope you're better, even if it's just a bit. Keeping you in my thoughts.

I'm late. I'm sorry you have to go through this but I hope you're feeling better today

thank you both. I got through the night. things are still a bit loud but I gotta take care of some stuff today so just trying to push myself. the minute I get home i'm going back to bed.

 

[CatLvr]

thank you both. I got through the night. things are still a bit loud but I gotta take care of some stuff today so just trying to push myself. the minute I get home i'm going back to bed.

I sincerely hope that the fact you are not online means you are getting some well-deserved rest. And the loudness has quieted down for the most part. The kids came over this afternoon and so the dogs and I are wiped out. Lol I think I'm about to call it an early evening also.

Stay safe (and keep up the good work!!) my friend!! Message me anytime!

 

[madscotsman]

I don't make too many posts about myself. usually I can deal but not tonight. i'm angry, i'm sad and scared for any future I might have. it feels so pointless to go on much longer. I tried.

for anyone in recovery (from hard drug abuse) that sees this: I desperately want to just say fuck it and relapse. I just want to feel nothing. I don't have a group locally bc of reasons. I don't feel like I can mentally handle a zoom meeting but I don't have anywhere to express this. I just want that shit in my veins and if this block of text doesn't apply to you be grateful. because it's just one more thing. and once you get to a point of being fully ok with dying that way, your tolerance is through the roof and you merely flirt with death. I have 406 days clean from fent and I do not care. I don't fucking care.

I just want everything to stop. my head is so loud.

I couldn't care either about relapsing, almost 4 years of a pretty spotless record, two years straight of nothing and all I can say for it is, yes I feel some sense of pride for doing that for myself, while on the other hand not even worth it, all that noise and nonsense is gone with blowing my money and the chase for the stuff but the truth is I'm fucking bored, this isn't worth it.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I sincerely hope that the fact you are not online means you are getting some well-deserved rest. And the loudness has quieted down for the most part. The kids came over this afternoon and so the dogs and I are wiped out. Lol I think I'm about to call it an early evening also.

Stay safe (and keep up the good work!!) my friend!! Message me anytime!

my online thing is something I disabled. but thank you for real. you're wonderful.

tonight is less loud but as the year draws to a close I feel kinda lost. i'm having a lot of intrusive thoughts. but we're out here scrappin with em. trying my best.

sending you and the little ones and fur babies all the love and warmth!

I couldn't care either about relapsing, almost 4 years of a pretty spotless record, two years straight of nothing and all I can say for it is, yes I feel some sense of pride for doing that for myself, while on the other hand not even worth it, all that noise and nonsense is gone with blowing my money and the chase for the stuff but the truth is I'm fucking bored, this isn't worth it.

it's such a shit mental cycle. I see and hear you friend. I relate to your words.