ScaredOfMachines
I am who I am
- Nov 8, 2024
- 96
My dad is the only person I have left, and I've been thinking over the past few days about how my death will affect him. I don't want to hurt him, but it seems inevitable if I make this choice. I'm his only child, and he never really recovered after my mom left. I know he has close friends and a family that cares about him, so he won't truly be alone if I leave him. But I know it would damage him a lot more, and I'm not sure if it's something he could recover from. I know that he's better off without me even if he doesn't realize it, and that he really only cares about me because I'm his flesh and blood. But it still stings to think about.
A spiteful part of me wants to say that it's equivalent exchange, that since he made my life worse by refusing me to let me transition and generally just being transphobic, among somewhat neglecting me during childhood. But I'm horrified about that thought as well. Everyone says that to truly make it somewhere, you have to be selfish occasionally. I wonder if it applies to this as well.
A spiteful part of me wants to say that it's equivalent exchange, that since he made my life worse by refusing me to let me transition and generally just being transphobic, among somewhat neglecting me during childhood. But I'm horrified about that thought as well. Everyone says that to truly make it somewhere, you have to be selfish occasionally. I wonder if it applies to this as well.