Venting Stuck in a never-ending loop of self-sabotage

[eatantz]

I tried to convince myself that I'm not scared. I told myself that I'm not scared of dying or attempting, that socialising is easy and fitting into society isn't that hard. I swore to myself that I could finish all my work and get into uni, I felt like I could continue going for maybe 5 years.

But once again I fall back like I always do, back into the pit of suffering I dug for myself.

My life is just a continuous circle going from sadness to hope to minor success which convinces me it's alright back to even worse sadness. And this horrendous lope is what keeps stalling my ctb. I keep praying that something will snap and the circle will either stay down or go up, I'm fed up of being stuck.

Friendships and relationships are futile. As my life declines so does my mental health and I didn't realise how bad it impacts other people. Like I can't hold onto friends at all, and it kills me. I want to have connections with people but I distance and isolate myself. I don't know why, a mix of self sabotage, insecurities, depression and jealousy.

I'm an awfully sad person, the definition of a crybaby. I want things but I don't do anything to achieve them. And then I cry and cry like my tears will somehow drown me. Time is my enemy because I'm always wasting it, I just rot like a zombie and bathe in envy when I see people live the life I want.

I'm a year behind in school. At the start of the year I was ok and the cycle happened and I'm here, terrified and hateful. It's hard to explain to people that I'm just academically disabled, that my only talents are in the arts yet society seems to not place much value on it. A normal person would make it work, push through the workload and make themselves successful. But I'm too tired to even pick up a pencil lately.

I don't understand why I have to be so stupid, like I genuinely got nothing good from my autism. I can't read, can't do math, I can't focus and I'm overly sensitive which stuns me in improving. I haven't met anyone who suffers with education as badly as me and it feels so lonely

My physical health and chronic pain is actually improving insanely quickly. I guess its the only positive I have

My friend became a drug dealer and this gave me hope but my fear and lack of ability to save money has blocked me from trying to escape that way. My other friends tell me overdosing is a shit way to go, but aren't most methods? A friend of mine died by hanging so that method is also tempting but I find it to be a bit complicated in terms of location. Dying in a forest is a bit intimidating.

I wanted love and a relationship to save me, I really thought having a boyfriend or something would fix it all, but that naivety is over (partially) and I see suicide is genuinely all I have. I have no motivation, I can't maintain connections with anyone, I'm stupid and disabled mentally and well I'm ugly so I can't do anything really.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Most people tend to have a hard time keeping up with the workload, not just you. Most who are able to keep up with it are able to do so due to having very good self-discipline and time management skills, and even then, many of those same people will talk about feeling like they can barely keep afloat. Not doing well in school doesn't make you an idiot, especially when your mental health is clearly going down.

Your academics don't define your self-worth and while it might be harder to find some jobs if you were to become an artist, there are still career options available to you (commercial artist, art editor, advertising designer, etc).

Have you tried going to your teachers after or before class to get more help? Does your school offer a peer tutoring program you can sign up for?

 

[eatantz]

Most people tend to have a hard time keeping up with the workload, not just you. Most who are able to keep up with it are able to do so due to having very good self-discipline and time management skills, and even then, many of those same people will talk about feeling like they can barely keep afloat. Not doing well in school doesn't make you an idiot, especially when your mental health is clearly going down.

Your academics don't define your self-worth and while it might be harder to find some jobs if you were to become an artist, there are still career options available to you (commercial artist, art editor, advertising designer, etc).

Have you tried going to your teachers after or before class to get more help? Does your school offer a peer tutoring program you can sign up for?

Your replies are always so thoughtful, you're seriously one of my fav people on here. I tried communicating to my teachers but they have so much faith in me, I think I'll try to be even more honest this week because I'm desperate for help. I hope your doing alright

 

[DiniMom]

I relate to you so much, it's the worst living a life like this. I am so sorry for you, I wish you find peace